Thursday, May 31, 2007

"A Three-Way, You Say? No, I'm Sorry. Even I Draw the Line at Condi"


Laura: *girlish giggle* Okay, I'd love to, but what about her?

Bill: Her? Oh, she's cool with it. Just try not to get any semen on your dress.

And while You're at the Doctor's Office Having Your Nipple Hair Washed, You Might Have Someone Look at that Thumb, because . . . Damn


Some people’s greatest talents remain hidden for their entire lives — but this Saturday, Doug Williams will put his on display and, he hopes, achieve ever-lasting fame.

Williams, you see, has a five-inch nipple hair.

That’s not a misprint. It’s a single hair, growing from his left nipple, and it’s five inches long.

On Saturday, the Williamsburg resident will have the hair officially measured and logged by the folks from the Guinness Book of World Records, who believe Williams’s follicular feat may be the greatest on the planet.

There’ll also be a barbecue. . . .

As with so many things in life, size matters — but it’s not the only requirement. In accordance with the Guinness Book’s regulations, the hair will be washed and then measured three times by a local doctor. Anything over 4.5 inches will break the record — yes, there is a current record-holder, Simon Mould of Great Britain.

Trouncing Mould at his own game would, of course, come with worldwide publicity, but that’s not why Williams got into the nipple-hair racket.

“I am not attempting this record for the money,” he said. “It is enough for me to know that I have inspired an entire generation of young people to grow long body hairs and achieve their own dreams.”

He's assuming, of course, that the next generation of young people has no interest in ever knowing the touch of woman.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

My Friends Send Me Things


"I was watching . . . Me and my momma was watching this movie, and this man had kick him . . . [Deep Breath] The man . . . I . . . was fend to . . . tried to punch him . . . He kicked him down on the ground. When he was fend to kick him while he was on the ground, do you know what he did? He kicked him in the penis.

"He was injured, injured bad."

And den the injured man called Blue Cross/Blue Shield, and do you know what they did? They sent a claim representative over to tell him they didn't cover "kicks" to the groin.

And to take his wallet.

[Shakes head in disbelief] That man forgot all about the pain in his groin.

I Like the Way the Washington Post Tried to Find an Unattractive Picture of Her. I, on the Other Hand, Didn't Even Make an Effort. For Shame, Me


Early this month, 18-year-old Allison Stokke walked into her high school track coach's office and asked if he knew any reliable media consultants….

In her high school track and field career, Stokke had won a 2004 California state pole vaulting title, broken five national records and earned a scholarship to the University of California, yet only track devotees had noticed. … A former gymnast, Stokke had tried pole vaulting as a lark as a freshman in high school. Two months later, she set a school record. She won the 2004 state championship three months after that. Stokke had augmented her natural, pole-vaulting disposition -- speed, upper-body strength and courage -- by lifting weights three times each week. College programs including Harvard, Stanford and UCLA also recruited her.

Intelligent, talented, and smoking hot: People think it's an easy life. At our secret meetings, where we discuss world philosophies and compare the magnitudes of our hotness, we call those people "Fatties." And we laugh at their ordinariness. Oh, how we laugh.

You Can Always Tell when It's Sweeps Month at the Networks


The weather's getting warmer and necklines are dipping lower -- sometimes, too low.

From the beach to the mall to the office, women seem to be showing off their cleavage more than ever before. Why? According to Elisabeth Squires, author of "Boobs: A Guide to Your Girls," American breasts are getting bigger while shirts are getting smaller.

"We are seeing more cleavage these days for a few reasons. First, the fashion of the day is tight and skinny. At the same time, women are bigger than they were even 15 years ago. Bra fitters tell me that an E cup is the new C cup," Squires said on "Good Morning America."

"We have to remember that while more women are showing more cleavage, you really have to use your breast power responsibly," Squires said.

And to meet you women half-way, I agree to use my penis power only for good -- unless I'm drinking. Then, the only thing I can promise is that I won't let it drive. (Really, you only need to do that once to understand that it's wrong, so very wrong.)

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

It's the Easy PTA Members that Make It Fun

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.

* * *

Question: You must know Made, [the show] on MTV where people get to live out there secret dreams? I want to be a jock. You obviously can provide very non-expert advice on how I can live out my secret dream. Thanks and keep up the good work—Rob

Answer: Before you wrote to us, the first question you should have asked yourself, Rob, is, “Why do I want to be a jock?” Etymology tells us that “jock” is a diminutive of “jockstrap,” or, the thing men put their junk in when they play sports. A jockstrap is typically made from a poly-cotton blend. I can’t really give you any advice on how to become one, but I assume the human equivalent of something that men put their junk in is referred to in the community as a “bottom” or “catamite.” If you have to look up those terms, or don’t know which community I’m referring to, then perhaps this isn’t your ideal line of work.

Generally speaking, however, jockstraps are also known as “athletic supporters,” which can include anything from cheerleaders to PTA members, some of which men also put their junk in, but usually only the easy ones.

Friday, May 25, 2007

I Don't Tell You Where to Go on Your Vacation. Don't Judge


I'm on vacation and seeing the sights. I'll be back and blogging on Sunday. Meanwhile, enjoy my blog roll.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

"Excuse me. I Speak Jive."


Jon Stewart:Now our coverage of the run up to the preparation for the early stages to the race to the White House continues tonight in our acclaimed segment "CLUSTERFUCK to the WHITEHOUSE."

Last weekend, four of the 2008 front runners hit the Sunday news circuit to show they were the kind of men who would leave their mothers alone on Mother's Day to go do some stupid interview with some report who most certainly did not carry them for nine, painful months.

Sorry. My throat's a little dry. Let me just see if I can quench my thirst with a CUP OF THEIR MOTHERS' TEARS! (Mmm, apparently, their mothers cry vodka.)

... On to ABC, where Barrack Obama, in the midst of the full Stephanopoulos, tried valiantly to stay on message. . .Guess which issue Obama was forced to talk about?:
George Stephanopoulos: You have a very cool style when you're out doing those town meetings, when you're out on the campaign trail, and I wonder, how much of that is tied to your race?

Barrack Obama: I can't lie to you, George. Being white has helped me a lot. I use complete sentences, consisting of words and phrases familiar to most people, inoffensive, well-structured sentences that don't end with me asking "You know what I'm saying?" or with me throwing my gang signs. If I win this election, it'll be because my capacity for speech completely whitewashed over the fact that I'm a barely literate, urban monkey, like the rest of my father's people. I appreciate your letting me clear that up.

Of course, I'm translating for those of you who don't speak the language.

I Disagree with Hitchens on a Great Many Things. This Isn't One of Them


HITCHENS: The empty life of this ugly little charlatan proves only one thing: that you can get away with the most extraordinary offenses to morality and to truth in this country if you will just get yourself called Reverend.

Who would, even at your network, have invited on such a little toad to tell us that the attacks of September the 11th were the result of our sinfulness and were God's punishment if they hadn't got some kind of clerical qualification?

People like that should be out in the street, shouting and hollering with a cardboard sign and selling pencils from a cup. . . .

I think he woke up every morning, pinching his chubby, little flanks, and thinking I've got away with it again.

Despite that, my favorite quote is this one, which is a response to Anderson Cooper's first question, "I'm not sure you believe in a Heaven, but if you do, do you think Jerry Falwell is in it?":

"No, and I think it's a pity there isn't a hell for him to burn in."

Amen, brother.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

- Click -


I am a leading NEE party senate candidate in Belgium. And due to popular demand, I will give 40,000 blowjobs to anyone who requests one on this page.

It started with our response to incredible claims that were made by other parties in Belgium, several parties promised new job opportunities in ridiculous amounts. We responded with a parody campaign for which I posed naked and promised our voters 400,000 new jobs.

This national campaign resulted in international media attention and I received hundreds of e-mails asking for 400,000 blowjobs. If this would get us even more media attention, I'm willing to give 40,000 blowjobs to make the statement.

According to my planning this would take me 500 days to tour around the world, visiting all the ones who signed up for a blowjob on this page, giving 80 blowjobs per day. So the offer is limited, sign up while you still can.

Click the button if you would like me to give you a blowjob.

Okay, but only if I can be first. Nobody likes sloppy 39,999nths.

Kidding: I do. I totally do.

Pump It Up All You Want To, but If It Doesn't Yell "Polo" when He Yells "Marco," He's Still Not Going to Find It


The G-SHOT® (clinical description: G-Spot Amplification® or GSA®), is a simple, nonsurgical, physician-administered treatment that can temporarily augment the Grafenburg spot (G-Spot) in sexually active women with normal sexual function.

GSA is a patent pending method of amplifying or augmenting the G-Spot with a human engineered collagen, specifically, an FDA approved collagen. To make this collagen, it is carefully treated and preserved, and is then supplied to physicians in a form that can be injected. The collagen is a natural, biological substance. The collagen is typically processed gastrocnemius fascia.

The FDA approved collagen is a specially developed and processed collagen which doesn’t require pre-injection skin testing like most available collagen products on the market.

G-Spot Amplification was invented and developed by a gynecologist David Matlock, MD, MBA, FACOG.

In a pilot study, 87% of women surveyed after receiving the G-Shot reported enhanced sexual arousal/gratification. Results do vary.

The affect can last for up to 4 months, and does vary.

So why not ask your doctor if G-Spot Amplification is right for you?


Well, since you asked, how about this -- because the following is just a partial list of possible side effects:

Bleeding, Infections, Urinary retentions, Allergic reactions, Sexual function alterations, Hematoma (collection of blood), Collagen site ulceration, Urethral injury (tube you urinate through), Urinary retentions, Hematuria (blood in urine), UTI (Urinary Tract Infection), Urinary Urgency (feel like you always have to urinate), Urinary Frequency, Increased/worsening nocturia (waking up several times at night to urinate), Change in urinary stream, Urethral vaginal fistula (hole between urethra and vagina), Vesico-vaginal fistula (hole between bladder and vagina), Dyspareunia (Painful intersourse), Need for subsequent surgery, Alteration of vaginal sensations, Scar formation (vaginal), Urethral stricture (abnormal narrowing of the urethra), Local tissue infarction and necrosis, Yeast infections, Vaginal Discharges, Spotting between periods, Bladder Pains, Overactive Bladder (OAB), Bladder Fullness, Exposed Material, Pelvic Pains, Pelvic Heaviness, Collagen injected into the bladder or urethra, Erosion, Fatigue, Damage to nearby organs including bladder, urethra and ureters, Alteration of bladder dynamics, Intractable pain, Relationship problems, Decreased sexual function, Embolism.

I did say this was a “partial list,” didn’t I?

Sure, most of these are minor, and the chances you’d develop the more serious of them, slight, but as my pulmonary physician said to me when he was explaining the worst cases scenario of a lung transplant, “Some dying may occur.”

That seems to negate all the pluses of the procedure.

I mean, seriously, do you think I’d risk dying just to improve my sexual arousal and pleasure by some marked amount?

Okay, yeah, but that’s me. I’m a risk taker.

You should be a little more circumspect with your genitals.

**This has been another Public Service Announcement of Biff Loman and this blog.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Not So Superior Now, Are You?


All over Japan, retailers are scrambling to keep up with a new look known as "bon-kyu-bon." It means "big-small-big" and it signals a change in the way Japanese women look: they're getting curvier. . . .

Today, the average Japanese woman's hips, at 35 inches, are around an inch wider than those of women a generation older. Women in their 20s wear a bra at least two sizes larger than that of their mothers, according to Wacoal. Waist size, meanwhile, has gotten slightly smaller, accentuating many young women's curves. . . .

The physical changes are largely the result of an increasingly Westernized diet, say nutritionists. Meals that used to consist of mostly fish, vegetables and tofu now lean heavily toward an American-style menu of red meat, dairy and indulgences such as Krispy Kreme doughnuts and Cold Stone Creamery ice cream.

In other words, they've adopted the diet and figure of a Southern, teen-aged girl. Ancestors help them when they discover barbecue and hushpuppies (with molasses).

Friday, May 11, 2007

In Washington, It's Illegal to Get a Full Contact Lap Dance -- unless The Dancer Rubs Your Crotch with the Family Pet. Then, It's All Good


One Seattle cop reported that he grabbed an exotic dancer's breasts several times as she gyrated in his lap.

Another undid his belt for the dancer grinding against him -- allowing her to slide her hand into his pants.

A third paid $100 to a stripper for four lap dances in a row as he tested whether she'd offer sex for money (she didn't).

The three Seattle cops were part of a strip-club sting operation aimed at catching dancers who cross the line. But did the officers themselves violate department rules, or the law?

. . . In a dozen of the 30 reports reviewed by the P-I, officers described how they allowed their hands to be placed on the dancers' breasts or buttocks. In 11 reports, dancers fondled the officers' genitals through their clothing while performing.

After being questioned by the P-I, [Vice Unit Chief Lt. Eric] Sano reviewed some of the stripper-related arrest reports and said he had concerns with a couple of them.

One officer, who Sano said was inexperienced in undercover work, said in his report that he grabbed one dancer's breasts several times. With another dancer, he wrote in his report, "I grabbed her buttocks with both hands and kept them there throughout the dance."

A second officer, also not a regular vice cop, said he undid his belt, enabling the dancer to unzip his pants and rub his genitals through his underwear. She then grabbed his penis under his shorts before he could stop her hand, according to his report.

Before he knew it, he was tipping the dancer $40 dollars for a blow job he also couldn't avoid. Said Sano, "Clearly, this officer doesn't have the reflexes for this line of work."

I'm a Guy, but Still, Even I Doubled Over in Sympathy when I Read That


A midwife has been struck off after being found guilty of pulling a woman's umbilical cord so hard that she was dragged down her bed.

A disciplinary hearing of the Nursing and Midwifery Council yesterday found 46-year-old London midwife Cecilia Wanayana Kituma guilty of misconduct.

Said Ms. Kituma, "I followed the manual to the letter. I tied the umbilical cord to the doorknob and slammed the door shut -- or, at least, I tried to slam it shut -- but after the third try (and the third time of dodging that rebounding door) it was apparent to me that sucker wasn't coming out through normal means. Given the means at my disposal, I really don't see what else I could have done.

"All I can say is, it's childbirth, you know? Things get a little rough."

Just Look at Those Eyes. You Know She Wanted It


A Pierce County jury has acquitted a man accused of having sex with the family dog.. . .

"I'm glad that justice was able to see it wasn't an action of my doing," McPhail said as he left the court building.

He said he believes his wife made up the story because she is seeking to end their marriage.

It was Jesika McPhail who contacted police and told them she'd caught her husband engaged in sexual intercourse with their pit bull, Sara, last October. Jesika McPhail was not immediately available for comment about the verdict.

When McPhail becomes available for comment, expect her to say something like, "I turned over the picture I took of my husband fucking the dog to the DA. Hell, what does it take to convict a dog-fucker in this state, audio?"

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

"Where Is Your God Now?"


“Nappy Headed Ho’s” Movie May Fund Imus Retirement

$1 From Each DVD to be Donated to Imus

Glendale, CA - Adult video company Kick Ass Pictures today announced that it is releasing a movie called Nappy Headed Ho’s, and that $1 from each DVD sold will be donated to a retirement fund for radio personality Don Imus. Pre-sales and more information about the movie can be found at web site nappydvd.com.

“We see this as a free speech issue,” stated Kick Ass president Mark Kulkis. “As an adult media company, we’re especially defensive of free speech. Don Imus is a loudmouth and perhaps a bigot. However, CBS Radio was hypocritical in hiring Imus to be blunt and outspoken, then firing him for the same reason. Fellow broadcast personalities Ann Coulter and Pat Robertson spew anti-gay slurs, yet they are not fired by their networks.”

On April 12, syndicated radio personality Don Imus was fired by CBS Radio for calling the Rutgers University women’s basketball team “nappy headed ho’s.” The incident gained worldwide publicity and is still ongoing. Just last week, it was reported that Imus is suing CBS Radio for money owed on his contract.

“If Imus doesn’t prevail, then there’s a good chance he’ll need some help with his retirement fund,” said Kulkis. “If he doesn’t choose to accept the money we collect, then we’ll donate it to the United Negro College Fund.”

Nappy Headed Ho’s stars girls with closely twisted or curled hair (the dictionary definition of “nappy”), who have sex for money (the dictionary definition of “ho”).

Kick Ass Pictures is headquartered in Glendale, California and is the only porn company in the world to guarantee all natural breasts in all of its movies.

Sunday was the anniversary of the Hindenburg tragedy. In remembrance (and because it is apt, here), I'll quote Herbert Morrison to describe this turn of events: "Oh, the humanity!"

Monday, May 07, 2007

I Am to Asses What Ron Jeremy Is to Penises



Brad Pitt, 43, has refused to show his bare ass in his upcoming film, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and has reportedly demanded a “butt double.” Although he appeared semi-nude in 1991's Thelma and Louise, a 1997 issue of Playgirl and 2004's Troy, Brad Pitt is said to be “concerned” about his nude scenes.

Brad, my friend, you are in luck. I'm currently between ass jobs at the moment, and am available for new bookings. I've done this sort of work before, having doubled for Henry Simmons for his NYPD Blue work. (Don't bother calling him. He'd only deny it.) He, like you, had let himself go, while I, at roughly the same age as you, have maintained what my doctors call a “smokin' ass,” the callipygian ideal. With some CGI for color, doubling for you should be no problem.

If the scene requires the camera to pan around for a shot of the abs, though, the gig will be up, as a lifetime of beer, doughnuts, and McRibs have not been kind. Your director would be wise to remember that.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

When the Pervs Rule the World, There Will Be Justice


In 1933 Lincoln Kirstein wrote a passionate 16-page letter to his friend A. Everett Austin Jr., the director of the Wadsworth Atheneum in Hartford, introducing a man named George Balanchine and a dream: to remake ballet for America. The plan, as Kirstein wrote, was to have “four white girls and four white boys, about 16 years old, and eight of the same, negros.”

What resulted from that letter — the School of American Ballet and New York City Ballet, both founded by Kirstein and Balanchine — have endured as major cultural institutions. But Kirstein’s plan for student diversity was never realized, and while other minorities have made inroads in classical ballet, the complicated reality of racial inequality persists, especially for black women.

I've been to the ballet 4 times in my life. I have received nothing in the way of dance training or critical knowledge that would allow me insight into whether or not discrimination exists at the top companies in this country (although the article makes a pretty good case.) But as Justice Stewart so eloquently put it, "I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know pornography, I mean, talent when I see it." (Of course, I'm paraphrasing.) And if Ms. Ash, pictured above, doesn't have her choice of dancing jobs, there's something horribly amiss.

I'm just happy she doesn't dance for the Pacific Northwest Ballet, because if she did, I have a feeling she'd strung out like a crack whore, in the sense that I'd spend everything I had to see her, end up homeless, and live out the rest of my days blowing sponsors for balcony seats to catch another performance.

I'm just saying.

That Said, There's Something to Suffering in Silence


Scores of veterans across the country are getting lifetime checks from the government for gonorrhea, genital herpes and other venereal diseases they caught while in the ranks. . . .

In Washington, D.C., a veteran who served from 1962 to 1965, and for eight months in 1991, filed for benefits for the six condyloma acuminata, or anal warts, which medical dictionaries describe as sexually transmitted. The vet said the growths had bedeviled him since his service during the Persian Gulf War in Saudi Arabia and, despite treatment, always return.


"Bedeviled?" Yeah, I'll bet.

I'd offer a more scathing indictment of this policy, except I'm pretty sure the founding fathers of my hometown incorporated our little corner of the "bedeviled" world after Viet Nam with the money they got from their first disability checks.

Did I say "founding fathers?" I meant, founding heroes.

"Degrees of Blackness, Scales of Soul" I'm "Straight Black with a Shot of Hennessy"


At a party one night I had a fascinating conversation with a Brazilian professor, but as I recounted it to our hosts the next day I realized I didn't know the name of the man I had talked to. "Was he black or white?" they asked. My answer, which stunned me, was, "I don't remember."

Now, I am from Savannah, Ga. I had never in my life not noticed whether someone was black or white. I felt an overwhelming sense of exhilaration. It was possible, then, to see someone as just another person, regardless of color. I felt good about myself.

I was reminded of this the other day watching Barack Obama. I realized that when I look at him, I don't see a person of color. I see a really smart, appealing, thoughtful person. There is something about his manner that seems to demand that he be seen for who he is and not for what color he is. . . .

I recently took [a] trip . . . around the world, and everywhere I went, all that people wanted to know about was Obama. In every country, when people learned I was American, the questions were the same: Could a black man possibly be elected president of the United States? . . .

The doubts about Obama in this country are usually twofold: He's too young and he doesn't have the necessary experience. People tend to forget that in fact, if Obama were elected next year, he would be older than Teddy Roosevelt, Jack Kennedy and Bill Clinton were when they became president. . . .

The biggest problem that Obama has is this: We don't know who he is. Who are his people? Whom does he surround himself with? Whom does he listen to? Who gives him advice? He's so new to the national political scene that he hasn't had time to choose the team that would be with him in the White House. The more we see him in action, he's still just campaigning. He still has the quality of an unknown. And as attractive and likable as Obama is, we still need references, and so that there is no misunderstanding in this, we need white references.


What Sally Quinn is saying is, she needs assurances that you won't turn the White House into Big Momma's House.

A piece of advice: Make sure none of your references is from a chubby, white girl in a beret.

What Can I Say? I'm a Big Nerd


I have a man-crush on William Shatner, and I don't care who knows about it.

Some of these other posters are funny, too.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Here at "Piss and Guzzle" How Do We Make Alcoholism Affordable? Why, the Old Fashion Way, of Course. We Cut Out the Middle Man


When people ask me why I never married, I tell them "because I want to marry a girl just like dear, old mom, and they don't make 'em like that anymore." It appears, I was wrong, so very, very wrong. As we all can clearly see, I was looking in the wrong places. My bad.

P.S. Hi, Momma!

Friday, May 04, 2007

First Thing We Do Is Kill All the Lawyers—Except That One. That One Pleases Me



Blair Sibley is tall, trim, soft-spoken. He likes to play bagpipes and indoor soccer. He's friendly and personable.

With all the scandal and ruckus of the past week, it seems sensible to talk to him in quiet, in person. His letterhead lists a K Street address, the 1600 block, just up from the White House.

It's in a big office building of the type that his father, Harper Sibley Jr., one of the richer and more powerful developers in Florida, builds in Miami. You punch the elevator button, and when it stops, you expect the glory wall and the fresh-cut flowers and the attractive-but-not-too receptionist with the Scandinavian accent and the dawning realization that the Persian rug beneath your feet retails at more than your net salary for last year.

Instead, you find that the K Street offices for Montgomery Blair Sibley, Chartered, are in what amounts to a broom closet in the landlord's office.

It's next to the mailroom and the women running the building's switchboard. The one who tells you that Sibley's not in wears a T-shirt that appears to read, “Where's my SUGAR DADDY?”

…His most prominent client of the moment is an alleged madam who is said to possess the names of 10,000 Washington clients, some of whom are alleged to be high-profile, he is also a busy, busy lawyer …

Something is amiss here, and we haven't even gotten to the part where he sued the U.S. Supreme Court for treason (twice!), asking for $1 million in damages. Or that he spent 77 days in a Miami jail for refusing to pay child support. Or that Maryland has stopped him from running a law office in the state. Or that federal prosecutors in Palfrey's case say Sibley's filings are so ignorant of basic legal tenets that they are “almost incoherent.”

All of this is bad, because it also means we haven't even mentioned “Big Pimping Pappy” yet.

I don't want to like him, but I can't help myself. Litigious, misogynistic, he's the son of power, practicing law until the empire is his—and yet, he's a friend of the working girl. And I can't stay mad at guys like that.

Don't judge.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

SBM Seeks Depressed, Lonely and Vulnerable Alcoholic Needing Attention, Adoration and Admiration for Game of Hide the Vodka Bottle


A woman who had sex with a 15-year-old boy will not spend time behind bars despite her “foolish lapse.”

Judge Lance Pilgrim sentenced Diana Nicole Bennett this morning after she pleaded guilty in the County Court to one count of sexual penetration of a child under the age of 16, a charge that carries a maximum jail term of 10 years …

Bennett, a volunteer worker, went to the boy's house in January 2005 dressed in underwear and a cardigan after he had telephoned her at home one morning and invited her to his house.

The pair were caught by a friend of the boy's who walked into the room while they were having sex. The court heard Bennett drank three bottles of vodka straight each week and her alcohol problem played a role in her offending.

Defence lawyer Richard Backwell said at the time Bennett was a depressed, lonely and vulnerable alcoholic who had sought “attention, adoration and admiration.”

He said three weeks after the incident, she voluntarily contacted police to make full admissions without which a case could not have been mounted.

While the boy's parents still spoke to Bennett who had visited them on several occasions, he was now rude and unpleasant towards her, although he did not write a victim impact statement.

I'll bet. I'll also bet that when he called her he wasn't expecting her to show up at the end of a bender, to have sloppy sex with him, and then hide her vodka bottle in his anal cavity when she “thought she heard someone pull up.” (Point of information: tonic makes a terrible lube.) That's just the sort of thing to make a 16-year-old turn rude and unpleasant. It's also the only thing that would prevent a young man from writing about his fling with a older woman.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

"Happy Mother's Day, Mom! What Is It? It's Just Something I Had Made for You. Why? What Does It Look Like?"


Looking to wow your co-workers at the upcoming office meeting? How about a box of chocolates from The Incredible Edible Anus. What’s that? You’ve never eaten a piece of chocolate shaped like someones asshole before? Well, there’s no better time than the present. According to the folks at TIEA, chocolate has aphrodisiac properties and is also good for helping to ease a hangover. So, why do they have to be in the shape of a rectum? You ask such silly questions. Get your mouth on a piece of chocolate anus and see for yourself. The only question I have is, how did they get a model of the shape to form the chocolates? Hmmm.

I was young! I was in grad school! I needed the money! They said, it was for an art project! I liked the feel of warm chocolate on my anus and would've paid them for the sensation!

Um, you should probably ignore that last one.

Proof that Pleasuring Females Is a Learned Behavior; Genetically, Males Haven't a Clue


Judging from her reaction to his technique, I think it's time a certain primate -- I'm looking at you Bobo -- learned how to use simple tools that vibrate and throb. And fast.

Coco's only going to be happy counting grains of sands until you climax for so long. Then, she's going to go looking for a chimp who knows what a banana is for.