Thursday, April 24, 2008

“And I Think I Might Be a Little Bit Gay” – Willow


I think the quiz was picking up on my Sapphic tendencies.

“What Sapphic tendencies?” you may ask. Well, I think it was picking up on my deep attraction to impulses like these:


Don't judge.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

“Shaggy, You, Fred, and Velma Go Check Out Old Man Jenkins' Septic Tank. Daphne and I Will Search the Sex Dungeon…for Clues”


Two local women claim they've been sexually assaulted by ghosts.

According to a police report, the two women told officers a paranormal person has been placing sensors on their bodies and having intercourse with them at their apartment in the 28600 block of 25th Place South. …

The maintenance man in charge of the apartment complex said the women keep calling him saying the ghosts are raping them on weekend nights. He finally told them to call police.

It's an odd case for cops, but it's right up Ross Allison's alley. He's a ghost hunter.

“Cases like this don't pop up that often,” he said. …

Candid questions help ghost hunters sort the eerie from the unstable.

“A lot of times you'll find it might be medications that they're taking or something psychological,” Allison said. …

Police declined comment on the unusual report other than to say they do not have any investigative leads, but when pressed, did admit that they'd ruled out Casper McFadden, largely because he is reputed to be a “friendly ghost.”

“I'll Have a Mocha Labia Latte. Hold the Foam”


A barista called 911 to report that she and a co-worker were being harassed by a customer at Espresso Gone Wild, where workers in revealing outfits serve the coffee drinks.

The 18- and 19-year-old baristas said a pickup truck carrying three men drove up and they ordered several drinks on Wednesday. All three were recognized as regulars at the coffee stand near the interchange of Highway 3 and Highway 16 in Gorst.

The barista said that she saw a passenger in the front seat pull a digital camera out of the glove box while he waited for his order. She warned him that photos weren't allowed, and that if he took any she'd call 911 and report harassment.

"I don't care," he said, and then took several pictures, according the a police report.


It must have been Pastie Day. You always see the degenerates on Pastie Day.

Well, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck

The Blog-O-Cuss Meter - Do you cuss a lot in your blog or website?
Created by OnePlusYou
I have such a low score because I abhor profanity and all its forms.

* Thanks LeeSee

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Apparently, It's Ass Week on The Truth* Now, about Wednesday: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid


A video posted on the internet showing Philippine doctors laughing while removing an object from a patient may lead to charges against the surgeons and cost them their medical licenses, officials said Wednesday.

The nearly 3-minute video of a noisy operating room shows doctors and nurses laughing, giggling and cheering. …

As a doctor gingerly pulls out the 6-inch long canister from the male patient's rectum, someone shouts, "Baby out!" amid loud cheers.

The video has angered the unidentified patient who plans to press charges, his lawyer Guiller Ceniza said Wednesday. …

The 39-year-old patient received surgery on Jan. 3, three days after a New Year's drinking spree and a “one-night stand” with a male partner, Ceniza, the lawyer.

He said his client was too drunk to remember how the body spray canister ended up in his body.


Well, I don't remember huge portions of New Year's, either, so there's a chance that if you were spraying that crap near me, I shoved that canister up your ass. If I did, “Hey, my bad.” I just really hate that product, and in general, the people who use it.

But there's an even better chance that you got it lodged up there during sexy play time with your one-night stand, and if that's the case, dude, dummy up. Unless I missed something or unless there's a large population out there who can identify you by your anus alone — in which case, salute! My compliments to you — you still have your anonymity. Your dignity is intact. Let it go. Move on. Drop the lawsuit and remain an unknown guy who people only believe has had objects in his ass. It's for the best.

“Billie! You Got Some 'Splainin' to Do


He's an albatross around her neck, isn't he?

Monday, April 21, 2008

Let Me Drop a Deuce. Then, I'll Show You My ‘O-Face’


Clearly, I've been missing out on some serious bidet orgasms, a sad state of affairs I will be rectifying in a few weeks.

That's good and bad news for the Bush administration. The good news is I'm going to spend their stimulus check just like they said I should. (Savings be damned!) The bad news is that they are not going to like what I'm going to be stimulating with their money.

Not Safe for Anything — But definitely Not Safe for Work. (Dude, Seriously)


I don't know what hers says — it's kind of blurry — but my sphincter tat reads, “WORK OF ART. PLEASE: NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY.”

(See the other tattoos in unusual places here.)

I Can See Them Now, Sisters, in Leather, Aside Their Harleys. Um, I'm Going to Need Some Alone Time


ColorWars 2008 has a great contest going in which participants re-create childhood photographs, putting their current selves in their former poses. As with most things, the results are mixed, but the best ones are really inspired. I recommend that everyone give it a try.

And by everyone, of course, I mean these two:





I'd do it myself, but no pictures of “young me” survived the Great Picture Purge of '79. (No one knows who instigated or executed the destruction or loss of the photo album containing all of the pictures of young Biff — including the ones taken by a lamenting and depressed post-natal Babs Loman of her young son in pink and frilly baby girl's clothes, because she was having trouble letting go of the idea that she once again had not delivered a daughter. Let's just say mistakes were made. Records were damaged. Let's move on.)

Thursday, April 17, 2008

It's Always Smoky Burn-Out Time Here, at The Truth*.


Rub One out if You Want To

I Prefer Movies in which Twentysomthings Playing Teens Are Rewarded for Having Sex (Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow)


Ouch! That said, I only lost an arm, which is pretty good for someone who doesn't really go for slasher films.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I'll Have What Annie Oakley Is Having


Jon Stewart: Senator Clinton completed her transformation with the Red State Candidates Oath. Remember you're being graded on buzz words.

Senator Clinton: Someone goes to a closed-door fund-raiser in San Francisco and makes comments that do seem elitist, out-of-touch, and, frankly, patronizing.

Jon Stewart: Closed-door? San Francisco? Elitist? My sources tell me he was drinking a mint julep, wearing ass-less chaps while fucking the New York Times.


Translation of the question asked Obama: Why can't you seem to make any headway among voters who on the face of things have no reason to vote for your opponent, since their loss of jobs and industries are related to the free trade policies covered by her “35 years of experience” and since her chief political strategist is getting paid to lobby for a Free Trade Agreement with Columbia?

Translation of the answer offered by Obama: I'm black; they're bigots.

Obama says he was less artful in his response than he should have been. All things considered, I think his response was as artful as could be expected.

But at least it gave us a chance to watch Senator Clinton morph into a gun-toting, Bible-thumping, beer-swilling Archie Bunker (complete with dingbat spouse). I don't have anything against guns or religion or beer or blue-collared bigots (um…), but tell me people of the Intrawebs, why would a Democrat vote for someone like that?

Monday, April 14, 2008

Nine Out of Ten Babies Surveyed Chose Amy Winehouse as Their Preferred Sitter.


“Okay, you win, Amy. You wanted to hear me say it? Fine. Fuck it. ‘You win.’

“I thought you had got the message after the whole ‘Let's do lines off our genitals’ episode, but nope, you just trudged ahead, even after I peed in your eye when you bent over to snort coke off my wee wee, even after I got ‘colicky’ when it was my turn to do you. Do you remember? You just told me to ‘nut up and come on’

“Nut up, I did, but, still, hours later, when I'd really had it, I thought you knew I was tipping my hat to the victor when I batted the kit away after the third round of speed balls. You didn't. You just kept forcing the needle on me and screaming, ‘Find a vein, you little shit! Find a vein!’ I will never play Pin the Tail on the Donkey without thinking of you.

“Then, amazingly, I got a second wind. Watching the sunrise, rinsing the vomit (yours?) from my mouth with the remains of my 40-oz, I thought, ‘You know, I'm glad she didn't accept my surrender earlier because, seriously, now, in the promise of this new day, I think I can take her.

“That must have been the acid talking, because 15-minutes ago, when I was blowing that guy in the bathroom for shot money — ‘It'll be fun’ you said; ‘Just like sucking a long nipple,’ you said (Liar) — I realized I should have never chased you down this rabbit hole.

“So even though I've been matching you Spontaneous Abortion for Spontaneous Abortion, I'm done and I'm saying it. No more passive aggressive suggestions. No more angry gestures. No more febrile seizures. ‘You win.’

“Now, pass me over to my mommy. I'm going to hit some titty real quick and pass out. Call me later if you get your hands on some good shit.”

Happy Cake and Cunnilingus Day! (Or It Could Be)


















Cake and Cunnilingus Day is about celebrating female pleasure. It's about putting our orgasms on the agenda and demanding pleasure equality! It's about lying back and gorging on chocolate mud cake while our lover sticks his eager tongue into our pussy!

Valentine's Day is for lovers, no matter what their gender. It's about emotion, about committment, about relationships.

Cake and Cunnilingus Day is a little more carnally obsessed. Forget the roses! This day puts the focus on women, their sexuality…and their tastebuds!


Clearly, I've got the cake, so Ladies, the ball is in your court. Use me. Help me help you.

Friday, April 11, 2008

File Under Things You Didn't Need to Know about Me: Loves Me Some Meat Loaf


If at this moment, you are sweating with melodramatic abandon that no amount of blotting can stop — even when you use the most delicate of lace sleeves — then you're feeling the power of the Loaf. Revel in it.

* the chart courtesy of Whoopee

The Racial Draft


Chappelle: Good evening and welcome to the first and maybe only racial draft in New York City. Folks, this is for all the marbles. What happens here will state the racial standing of these Americans once and for all.

Rob: That's right. And the crowd is here to support their races.

Billy: Well, Rob, some of the biggest names in sports and entertainment are on the line tonight. And I'm excited to see who's to be drafted by which races. Seated behind me on the stage, there, are the various representatives, and believe it or not the blacks have actually won the first pick.

Chappelle: Wow, that's the first lottery a black person's won in a long time, Billy.

Billy: Yes, and they'll probably still complain. hahaha.

Chappelle: hahaha. Man, fuck you.


Sweet. We scored O.J. Konnichiwa, bitches!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

You Mean Everyone's Favorite Billionaire Baroness Is Also a Negress? Now, I Don't Like Her

Thanks to her support for Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey is now one of the most reviled women in America. In her presidential endorsement the once-beloved talk show host chose race over gender, thus earning the scorn of millions of old white women who had never before suspected their favorite billionaire media baroness was of the Negro persuasion. Now that the cat's out of the bag, Oprah's popularity has eroded considerably.

Once, a whopping 74 percent of Americans liked her. By December of 2007, a month she spent shilling for Obama, her favorability ratings sunk to around 55 percent — about on par with Adolf Hitler shortly after he was found raping a crippled baby in a Minneapolis airport men's room.


The key is that for the first time, a black person isn't worse than a white world leader who has raped a crippled babies. Who says American hasn't made any racial progress.

Oh, yeah, swing low, sweet chariot. I've seen it all. Come on and take me home.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

That Said, the Dude's Got a Point


John McCain's temper is well documented. He's called opponents and colleagues “shitheads,” “assholes” and in at least one case “a fucking jerk.”

But a new book on the presumptive Republican nominee will air perhaps the most shocking angry exchange to date.

The Real McCain by Cliff Schecter, which will arrive in bookstores next month, reports an angry exchange between McCain and his wife that happened in full view of aides and reporters during a 1992 campaign stop. An advance copy of the book was obtained by RAW STORY.

Three reporters from Arizona, on the condition of anonymity, also let me in on another incident involving McCain's intemperateness. In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy, as well as campaign aide Doug Cole and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, “You're getting a little thin up there.” McCain's face reddened, and he responded, “At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.” McCain's excuse was that it had been a long day.

I'm guessing it was an even longer night.

Dude, seriously, unless it's part of some naughty sex time and you're engaged in some eXtreme dirty talk, you cannot go around calling your wife a “cunt”—and even then, if it is part of naughty sex time, you should have a safe word (not “twat”)—so everyone knows the games afoot, it's playtime, and it's all good. Otherwise, someone could get hurt.

I thought they taught that on the first day of Husband School.

To ReeNee, with Love


In my defense, I actually had five semesters of Spanish.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Oh, Japan, Will You Ever Learn?














We first encountered the Placenta 10000 (has 10000 mg of placenta) from Nihon Sofuken at an expo a few weeks ago and had the following conversation with their rep:

Me: This has placenta in it?
Rep: Yes!
Me: From…
Rep: Pigs.
Me: Oh.
Rep: You know how placenta usually smells really bad?
Me: Mmm…I can guess.
Rep: Well, ours doesn’t have any smell at all!

Yes, because that's what's been keeping me from enjoying the placenta-ny goodness, the smell. Now that they've got that little bugaboo under wraps, I'm ready to start sucking it down like red Kool-Aid.

According to the article, “Placenta is said to have regenerative properties, especially concerning beauty, and can help with dieting as well.” At about $8 per drink, it’s unlikely you'll be able to afford to imbibe or ingest little else, so, yeah, I guess, it does aid in dieting.

¡Buen provecho!

Monday, April 07, 2008

What's an Askwith? It's like a Dickfor—Only More So


Dude, at some point, you're going to have to earn your keep (and, yes, that is a euphemism for use you like a living dildo to rub her lady ape zone). You really should be running with the others.

Seriously, I Hope These Were All Photoshopped. Otherwise, I'm Weeping for Humanity


For the last time, please check the background scenery before taking the photograph. I'm surprised I have to tell you this.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Dude, I Was Thinking the Same Thing

i don't really know how the idea came up... at some point after too many tequilas and my friend talking about how to get more men interested in her, someone said, "wait, men love bacon and boobs, why not combine the two? that's a million dollar idea right there!"


My favorite comment is “Where's the matching thong?”

Jimmy Kimmel Is Generation Y's Big Lebowski: The Dude Does Not Abide


There is no one better qualified than Richard Simmons to say, “Bibbity bobbity boo!” and there is no one better qualified to say, “Don't be a little piece of shit, America” than Sam Elliott.

But there are definitely people who are better qualified to freak dance to We Want Some Pussy than the people in Richard Simmons' Sweating to the Ambulance class. Oh, god! my eyes! (I'm going to go dowse them with kerosene and hope cleansing fire will rid me of that image.)

Thursday, April 03, 2008

All That Glitters Is Not Gold, and All Guys Who Can Sing Are Not Soul Singers


Girl, ooh, girl, you're looking so fine tonight girl, and I told you I'd make love to you all night long (all night long).

But girl (girl) —ooh, girl (ooh, girl)—let's try to be realistic, girl. Nobody really makes love all night long. (That's impossible.)

Though that would be impressive, girl, that would be a little bit excessive, girl (too much). And it would probably get uncomfortable to be that sexual (chafing). Don't forget that we have work tomorrow (8:00 a.m.). So we should really make sure we get some sleep.

But girl (girl), I'll make love to you the best I can, but it's not going to last real long (honesty). Well, I apologize in advance.

I can probably give you seven minutes (seven minutes) if you don't move around too much. Otherwise, I'll probably give you four minutes (four minutes)—uh—because when you move I get excited, girl.

Hey (hey), is it cool if I leave my shirt on girl, because I just had a big dinner (Boston Market), and I'm struggling with some negative body issues.

Girl, I would nothing more than to make sweet, honey-dipped love to you till the break of dawn, but, unfortunately, sex is something that I'm not very good at. So, please, girl, try not to laugh at me no matter how awkward this gets.

Girl (girl) let's talk sexual positions, girl. I hope you like the missionary (tried and true) because that's the only one I'm really comfortable with.

And g-ur-irl (girl) just one more quick, little thing, girl. Please feel free to fake an orgasm (I won't know) because that'll make me feel like I'm doing well.

Ah, girl.


Ah, dude, there really is such a thing as too much honesty in a relationship.

In Preparation for the L&R Whipped Cream and Chocolate Tour

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I Finally Understand What the Invisible Hand of the Marketplace Is For. It's for Fisting

bedroom toys
Powered By Cheap Toys

Apparently, an oral fixation and an Open Orifice policy are worth more than a college education. You'd think my friends would have told me that before I enrolled in graduate school (although for intellectual masturbation, you really can't beat a education in the arts).

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

No, Seriously, Happy April Fool's Day

As any good geek should know by now Japan has some of the wackiest and most unusual products anywhere. So when we were visiting Tokyo recently and saw lines of Japanese schoolgirls waiting to play an amazing new game for the Wii called Super Pii Pii Brothers we were only a little surprised. … Normally ThinkGeek doesn't carry video games, but we were so blown-away by Super Pii Pii Brothers that we immediately got our trusted Japanese importer on the phone and arranged to bring over a limited quantity of this amazing Wii game along with some cross regional boot discs to allow play on USA Wii consoles.

The play mechanics are simple. Prepare yourself by strapping on the included belt harness and jacking in your Wiimote. A series of toilets are presented on screen and the challenge is to tilt your body to control a never-ending stream of pee. Get as much pee in the toilets as you can while spilling as little on the floor as possible. … Get too much pee on the ground and your game is over. With realistic fluid dynamics for the pee and over 100 different bathrooms from bars and palaces to automatic Japanese style toilets you'll be entertained for hours. And wait until your friends see the multi-player mode with dueling pee streams...

According to the Japanese text on the box “Super Pii Pii Brothers promotes good bathroom skills and allows women to experience for the first time the pleasure of urinating while standing.” What we say is that virtual peeing is damn fun!


All I can say is, if my stream were that weak, I'd get my virtual prostate checked. And, yes—since you're thinking it, I'll say it—in the right relationship, I would let my partner lube up, strap on, and check it for me Wii style .

But that's at least a third or fourth date activity. At least. (Or a first date involving tequila.)

“So, Clarice, Have the Dolphins Stopped Humping Doggie Style”


Just like with every Rorschach blot I've ever encountered, I see people fucking. In this instance, they're fucking dolphins, but that's because I'm in touch with my inner-child—and from Washington state.

Click Video to Watch Honey-Covered Lesbians, Rubbing, Licking, Loving, and Spanking Themselves to Orgasm (Now with 100% More James Brown)


Sorry. I'm really bad at April Fool's jokes.