Two Words Sum Up What We've Got to Do: 1. Cleansing 2. Fire

Don't look at me. This guy made it.

Biff Answers Prudence's Mail

Dear Prudence:
I did something recently that concerns me on many levels. I am under a large amount of stress because I'm in an unhappy marriage (which we're trying to work out) and because my company laid me off. I am under treatment for depression. A week ago, my doctor doubled the dosage of my antidepressant and, because I'm not sleeping well, he prescribed Ambien. On Saturday morning, I confused the vials and took two Ambien. I told my wife what happened and that I would probably sleep all day and went to bed. At around 10 p.m., my wife commented on how productive I had been: mowing the lawn, cleaning up, grocery shopping. I remembered none of this and said so. She said her only concern was that I left for “errands” and returned two hours later with nothing in hand. I talked to my doctor Monday, and he told me Ambien can cause amnesia and that some people have reported walking, driving, and cooking in their sleep. I know now what filled the missing two hours. This afternoon, I got a call from a woman who called me "lover" and asked when I wanted to come back. She called me her f—k buddy. This is a woman I had talked to only twice before in social situations. I do not even know where she lives; maybe I phoned her for directions. I do find her attractive, but I am stunned that I did something like this. My wife is vindictive, and if I say anything to her, it will end our marriage. I do not want to continue a relationship with the other woman. What should I do?

—Scared Sleepless

Dear SS:
I feel you, dog. Once, while medicated on tequila tonics, I tripped and fell penis-first into my sister-in-law’s vagina. Medicated off my ass, I couldn't get up, and, in fact, the more I tried to stand, the more I failed, falling repeatedly in and out of her inopportunely placed orifice. Finally, when I could fall no more, my testicles—also medicated—vomited their baby batter into her devil hole. After which, I passed out. When I awoke, like you, I couldn't remember a thing (you know, besides the stuff I just told you). Long story short, my son calls me, “Uncle Biff.” (Really, it’s better this way.) So, I know what you’re going through.

My advice: take two Ambien and sleepwalk your cheating ass over to a divorce attorney’s office. Unlike me, you are in big trouble.

— Prudent Biff

Actual Worth It-ness May Vary

Lessons Learned

The message of the video is clear: when women trick you into getting naked, bad things can happen—really, really bad things that are so, so worth it, like, getting-hit-by-a-bus worth it.

Or that's been my experience.

Tighty-whities! Tighty-whites! Check Out the Video, Motherfuckers, 'Cause It's about the Tighty-whites!

I'm in a Snuggie!
I'm in a Snuggie!

Everybody, look at me
'Cause I'm all up in a Snuggie.

I'm in a Snuggie!
I'm in a Snuggie!

Take a good, hard look
At the motherfucking Snuggie.

I wear a Snuggie, motherfucker, take a good, hard look at me.
It's like a blanket, but my Snuggie's got two sleeves.
I got my arms out, feeling all warm and fuzzy.
You can't stop me, motherfucker, cause I'm in my Snuggie…

Never thought I'd be this warm.
I wish they made Snuggie Porn.
I'm nake-ked: Look at me

Never thought I'd see the day,
Blanket with sleeves coming my way.
Believe me when I say, “Fuck yeah, Snuggie!

Say what you will about the Snuggie. It's still better than the Smitten.

Anyone with one of those is dead to me.

I Can Admit when I'm Wrong

BRIEF:
Promote the fact that Silk soft is 100% recycled and make some awareness on a low budget.

IDEA:
To communicate that Silk soft is truly 100% recycled we put stickers on standard toilet tissue dispensers on selected public toilets around Copenhagen.


I stand corrected. There is an argument to be made for having your bunghole bleached.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment.

“Some Folk'll Never Lose a Toe, but then again, Some Folk'll, like Loman the Slack-Jawed Yokel”

Voice Over: We wanted to find out if—under any circumstance—it's possible to pancake a compact so much you'd lose it in the wreckage of a two-truck collision. And to do it, New Mexico Tech has loaned them their straight-track roller coaster…

So, we've kept you waiting long enough. Let's get down to business.… “3-2-1.”

Awesome is such an overused word, but that truly inspired awe—and then some.


Or meh. I use to drive a '73 Pinto. Back then, cataclysmic explosions that slackened the jaws of the most jaded yokels were a Wednesday afternoon for me.

If you didn't own a Pinto back before owning Pintos was cool, though, you're going to want to stick around for the 2:51 minute mark, 'cause, seriously… Wow.

Why Vagina? (Vagina? Hell, What Else You Got?)

Eggs are precious, sperm are cheap.

Sperm come by the millions, but not eggs.

I might have four hundred eggs.

If I were a female—any female—I would want to protect my precious eggs. I would want to hide them in a hole. And I would want that hole to be in a place that is hard to reach. Unless I want you to reach me.

Penises. Different penises. All trying to get as close as possible to my eggs.

But, I would have a tunnel and it would be a labyrinth. It would be intricate. It would be unique. It would be species-specific—so I that I am not screwed by a bear.

Penises. Species-specific. Each one unique to its respective vaginas. A cozy fit. Like a hand in a glove.

That's why I want my vagina.


And that's why I want your vagina, too.

No.1 North Carolina 89, No.2 Michigan State 72

At UNC, we’re proud of our champions on the court and in the classroom. This year, two students won Rhodes Scholarships,
securing our lead among state universities for the most Rhodes over the last decade. When three Tar Heels took home the Luce Scholarship, Carolina beat Harvard in overall numbers of Luce Scholars since that program tipped off. Carolina students also won a Truman, a Churchill and two Goldwater Scholarships.

At the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, we have a lot to cheer about. Go Heels!


Speaking of which…

If any town is skeptical of happy endings, it is this one.

There is too much bad news about the economy, too many people unemployed and too many boarded-up houses to believe in made-for-Disney story lines.

With No. 2 Michigan State having upended two No. 1 seeds on its ride to the N.C.A.A. tournament title game Monday night, the Spartans took a downtrodden city and a hope-starved state along for a joy ride.

But No. 1 North Carolina reminded everyone that talent can mean more than pluck, experience more than depth, and that 35-point victories are hard to disregard as mirages.

North Carolina blasted Michigan State, 89-72, to win its fifth national championship.

…well done, guys.

Go, Tar Heels!

When North Carolina forward Deon Thompson jogged off the Ford Field court in December, his Tar Heels 35-point victors over then-13th-ranked Michigan State, he never imagined he would see the Spartans again this season.

Particularly not in tonight's national championship game.

“It just shows how crazy college basketball is,” said the junior, whose team will face off against MSU (31-6) at 9:07 tonight. “That a team at that point and time, playing the way it did that night, can motivate itself and rally itself to get that much better from December to April — that shows you how good a team they must be.”


My alma mater plays for the national championship of Division I men's basketball tonight thanks to the amazing talent and effort of some of the best student athletes in the country. They should be proud of themselves for making it this far. I sure am, just as I am proud of my university for giving them the opportunity to get an education and play a sport they love. The national championship title would be icing on a already very rich cake.

Now, there are some who think it would be better if Michigan State won, as it would mean so much to the people of Detroit and Michigan as they try to find any glimpse of sunshine in these dark economic times. We call those people losers, and they can die screaming and writhing in a fire. So fuck 'em.

It's Go time, bitches.