I May Never Write Again

No man, I don't eat pork

My money's in that office, right? If she start giving me some bullshit about it ain't there, and we got to go someplace else and get it, I'm gonna shoot you in the head then and there. Then I'm gonna shoot that bitch in the kneecaps, find out where my goddamn money is. She gonna tell me too. Hey, look at me when I'm talking to you, motherfucker. You listen: we go in there, and that nigga Winston or anybody else is in there, you the first motherfucker to get shot. You understand?

No, motherfucker

Now that there is the Tec-9, a crappy spray gun from South Miami. This gun is advertised as the most popular gun in American crime. Do you believe that shit? It actually says that in the little book that comes with it: the most popular gun in American crime. Like they're actually proud of that shit.

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The content generator's best friend is Samuel L. Jackson's filler-bot. It'll put text where you need it until you can create some real text for your site.


Cool right? I know, baby. I dig it the most.

Say What You Want about His Semen, but You've Got to Be Impressed by His Volume

Skittles - Newlyweds - Dir. Cousins [Not affiliated with Wrigley or Skittles. Contains explicit content not suitable for minors] from Cousins on Vimeo.


Candy porn means, yes, there's now such thing as a Skittles facial. I wish I were joking.

History Comes Alive (or Undead)

Before the Union was preserved, before the slaves were free, before Buffy was vampire-slaying, there was Abe — Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. And I can hardly wait.

I know what you're thinking: “3D? Really?" One, yes, you purist, really. This is a story so real, it has to be told in 3D. Two, 3D? Really? That's your problem with this?

Happy Valentine's Day, Everyone!

I love you, too, lovely, little French woman.

Dude, if It Makes Your Face Do that, How Good Can It Be?

I've never really got the Tumblr thing. I know it allows you to post the things that you love, that it makes sharing easier. I just never saw anyone create a Tumblr site that justified the new medium — until now. Now that I've seen Seventies Blowjob Faces, I get it. I totally get it.

Ladies, Gentlemen, prepare to lose a few minutes of your lives, because you're going to want to see more than just this:

You're going to want to see mustaches like you've never seen them, or if you were alive in the 70s, like I was, like you've tried to forget. (How, pray tell, did the mustache survive after that decade?)

And you're going to want to see nearly perfect blowjob faces, like the one posted below.

(I say it's nearly perfect because we don't know if he's watching the Stooges or not.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go trim my mustache and practice my Oh-face.

Girls Gone Wilding

If your response to the mugshots of those delightful flowers of femininity is “Pollinate. Oh, yeah, Pol-Lin-Nate!” you might want to hold fast to your stamen, at least, until you've had time to read more about how they ended up in those mug shots.

On Oct. 6, sheriff's investigator Brandie Hart went to Somerset High School and met with an 18-year-old man named “Joseph” [Full Name Withheld because he's a special needs young man and needs a little more privacy protection than most] in regard to an assault that occurred on Oct. 1. Joseph told Hart he was sitting at home playing video games when he received a call from Johnson inviting him to come over to her house and “hang out.”

…After sitting around for a while, some of the individuals in the group allegedly began smoking marijuana. Joseph said he declined to smoke with them and went outside. He began playing around outside with Avery Johnson. Joseph said he joked about punching Avery in the stomach. It was at that point the evening took a frightening turn.

“Joseph said that the next thing he knew, Amanda came up behind him and pushed him,” reads the police report. “Joseph said that after Amanda pushed him, he started running and while he did so, KJB came over and tripped him and he fell on his face. Joseph told Investigator Hart that as he tried to get up on all fours, KJB kicked him in the rib cage and Valerie kicked him in the leg. … Joseph said that Valerie then put her foot on the back of his neck and stepped down on it. Joseph said he also saw Amanda stomp on his left arm with her foot.”

Joseph was eventually able to break free from the group and ran off. When he returned to the home, he found one of his shoes in the toilet and another in the bathroom sink. He grabbed his shoes and sat on the porch, where he told investigators that he thought to himself, “I cannot do this anymore.”

I know what you're thinking.“Biff, who hasn't been there?  Who hasn't been promised sweet, sweet love, and, instead, been curb-stomped, left unshod and desolate outside on the porch, contemplating the decisions that led him to rock-bottom and a soon-to-be-had, barefooted walk-o-shame home?”

And if the story of Shoeless Joe ended there, I'd be with you on this, waving this whole tale of woe off, saying to Joe, “Dude, it gets better, hang on, some time in the future the right bad girl will come for you.”

But it doesn't end there. It goes on, and it gets worse.

Read more »

Whitney Houston 1963-2012

Rest in peace, Whitney. I'd say we hardly knew you, but after that reality show, I think we can all agree that's not as true as we would all like it to be.

I Am So Getting One of These

This is a completely hand-made by me, crocheted hat made to look like a breast when worn by a baby/toddler/child, while nursing!

It's made of 100% organic cotton, and is very soft and warm. You have the option of a pink nipple or a brown one and I can also make it in a different skin tone, or size, if you'd like

Four out of five babies surveyed* said breast milk tasted more awesome while they were wearing a boob beanie.

Said one baby, through a translator, “It's like the crocheted nipple served as an antennae for every pleasurable thing in the room, channeled all that goodness through my fontanel — or pleasure center, as we babies call it — and delivered that amplified ecstacy to my taste buds, uncut, pure as my itty, bitty soul. When the milk hit my tongue after that, it was like a rave in my mouth, little glow sticks exploding in my brain.

“Don't ask me to explain the science behind it. I'm just a baby. What do I know from science? What I do know is, if you love your baby, you know, really love him, you'll get him boob beanie.”


*Actual babies survey = 0.