While Your're at It, Toss Me One of Those Deep-Fried Cupcakes. I'm Feeling a Little Peckish

What’s for dinner at the Charlotte Motor Speedway during the Coca-Cola 600 this weekend?


Deep-fried cupcakes oozing melted frosting. Funnel cakes topped with chocolate sauce and piles of chopped bacon. Vegetarian burgers on whole wheat buns.


Wait — run that last one by us again?


Yes, what goes around and around has come around to healthful. Food stands at the speedway have started carrying everything from gluten-free beer to turkey burgers and fruit cups.


You can blame — or thank — new NASCAR driver Danica Patrick, whose smiling and svelte image graces the stand that carries the veggie burger. But speedway spokesman Scott Cooper says it was time to add healthier options.


“It’s not for the majority, but there is an element that wants it,” he says. “Two years ago, we didn’t get any requests for gluten-free. Now we’re getting requests every day.”


…“Three years ago, we couldn’t give a veggie burger away,” says Levy chef Sam Carlsen. Now they’re selling 150 during a weekend event. That’s barely a drop in the fried-chicken bucket compared to the 13,500 hot dogs sold over two weekends, Cooper admits. But it’s a step forward.

And people say American has a weight program. How is that possible with nutrition-positive actions like that going on all higgledy piggledy across our great nation.

And isn't wheezing an aerobic activity? It's got to be. I mean “labored breathing“ has “labored” right there in the name. We should be barely exhaling our way to our ideal weights.

It's just weird that we're not.

What? You say that woman in the picture is holding a Pimento mac & cheese burger with a pork rind topping? Oh, now, I see.

Do they ship those?

Oh, Tracy, How I Love Your Monkeyshines

Tracy Morgan: [In response to who he supports in the U.S. presidential election] I might have to go with Obama, because he's doing a great job with the economics. We need money… It's bad out there, man.


It's getting bad out there. Do you know The Rock is wrestling again. That's how bad it's getting out there.


I want to know what happened to that Witch Mountain money, Dwayne!


Conan O'Brien:: I'm curious. Some people think it's going to help Obama that he killed Osama bin Laden. Do you think that…


Tracy: Yeah, he's a gangbanger. You assassinate four dictators, you bangin'.


He should get a tear drop right here. [Points beneath his eye].


…


Conan: Any other tattoos?


Tracy: He should get “Michelle” across his neck right here, like a NBA basketball player.

My love-hate relationship with Tracy Morgan continues.

I want to hate him, because I feel like his well publicized brand of minstrelsy is holding back the Movement more than a little bit, but I just can't, because — fuck me — he's funny.

And possibly, crazy. But mostly, funny, which, as you know, I support.

"I am the Least Difficult of Men. All I Want Is Boundless Love"

MEDITATIONS IN AN EMERGENCY
FRANK O'HARA

Am I to become profligate as if I were a blonde? Or religious as if I were French?


Each time my heart is broken it makes me feel more adventurous (and how the same names keep recurring on that interminable list!), but one of these days there’ll be nothing left with which to venture forth.


Why should I share you? Why don’t you get rid of someone else for a change?


I am the least difficult of men. All I want is boundless love....


Now there is only one man I love to kiss when he is unshaven. Heterosexuality! you are inexorably approaching. (How discourage her?)

Don't discourage her. Embrace Lady Heterosexuality in all her forms. Join me, my gay brothers. Come to the Dark Side. We've got vaginas.

Except for Me, of course; I'm Very Discriminating

When men were asked where they wouldn't stick their penises, time passed; a tumbleweed rolled across the abandoned thought spaces; in the distanced, a lone wolf howled. Why? Because there is no place on earth that a guy wouldn't stick his penis.

And while some guys might suggest a few places, a quick Internet search will prove them at best hopeful, more likely liars.

Here, in the video, women restricted their lists to guys and classes of guys. That's so cute.

My guess is, the guy version of this video played in the heartbeat between clicking the play button and the start of the video. Seriously, nowhere is safe.

So, if you're the kind of lady that likes a penis, one, god bless you and, two, make the dude wear a condom, because you honestly have no idea where that thing might have been.

That's a No on the Kindle; Yes on the Target Gift Card

When I think of Mother's Day, I think of daffodils, bright, spring days, and the sacrifice, love, and support given to me by the woman who birthed me, who's probably somewhere rubbing one out to a poorly written sex scene in 50 Shades of Gray.

For pointing that out to me, I say, “Thanks a lot, SNL.”

Or so, Friends Have Said

Butter is slipperly. That's why we eat as much as possible — to lubricate our arteries and veins.

Yet, four out of five fisting enthusiasts when given a choice of food-based lubrication prefer Crisco for their anal-spelunking needs. Sorry, butter.

The Feet of the Master Is Really Where You Want to Be for This

“Oh, hi there. I'm G-money. You may recognize me from the Pee Wherever You Like video.


I was just practicing a technique I learned from the YouTube video How to Piss in Public.


So here we are: ‘How to Piss in Public for Women’


…Let me just address something that's on every woman's mind right now. You're probably thinking, If I do these techniques, I'm going to get piss all over myself. That's what WetWipes are for! That's right. I like to call them piss erasures, because it's like the urine drips never even happened.


But it doesn't matter because…no matter how much you smell like urine, guys are still going to hit on you.

I didn't need a video to teach me public urination techniques. I learned at the feet of a master, my mom.

Happy Mother's Day, mom! I love you!

Don't Judge Me

Stephen Colbert: This afternoon, your marriage started feeling a little weak, didn't it? You got a sudden urge to abandon your family and go antiquing up at the Cape. And it's all because, today, Barack Obama became the first sitting president to push the Rainbow button and launch Gay-mageddon.…


I cannot believe a sitting president endorsed gay marriage in the Oval Office, sullying a room once reserved for straight hummers from interns.…


And, folks, I will tell you the reason the president is doing this right now, and it's called political cover. This August, he'll be taking the Democratic National Convention to North Carolina, which last night, bravely defended traditional penis-in-vagina marriage. Ha! Suck it, gays! by which I mean, “Do not.”


…So, congratulations, North Carolina. Today, you struck a decisive blow for loneliness. And tonight, as you go to sleep beside your heterosexual life mate, you can rest assured that all across your great state, a gay man or a lesbian woman is crying himself to sleep in solitude and making your relationship stronger with every tear.

Until now, I thought “Making our relationship stronger one tear at a time” was something I said after a fight to get a little more mileage out of a bad relationship.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Little Girl: (To her dog) So, this is how you poop. You sit down and push hard. Then, you come up, and your mommie comes and picks up your pee or poops.

MOM! WIPE ME!

Nor Did She Call Them “Fudgy Pickaninny Squares” although It's Clear She Wanted To

SAVANNAH, GA—Celebrity chef and restaurateur Paula Deen announced Monday that her recently launched Step for a Cure Foundation would host its first annual .05K fun walk on May 20 to raise money for Type 2 diabetes research.

The star of the Food Network shows Paula's Home Cooking and Paula's Best Dishes said the .031-mile course would cover a half block of Whitaker Street in Savannah's Historic District and would be open to walkers of all skill levels.

…“I want to show people that just because you're diabetic doesn't mean you can't get out there and move around a little,” Deen added.

Deen, who has suffered from the disorder since 2009 but only recently revealed her diagnosis while endorsing a diabetes drug for a pharmaceutical manufacturer, told reporters she had begun an exhausting training regimen to prepare for the 164-foot event, walking slowly on a treadmill for up to 15 seconds each day.

According to the food media mogul who made a name for herself by drinking straight liquid butter on television, the .05K should take about an hour to complete and will provide a fun family atmosphere, with a band playing at the halfway point and walkers at the starting line being cheered on by spectators at the nearby finish line.

In addition, Deen assured participants the walking route would include 32 water and aid stations, which will serve deep-fried, melt-in-your-mouth garlic cheese biscuits “just in case anybody gets the butter tingles.”

…“I'm sure I'll stop and rest part way and take a 20-minute breather myself,” Deen added. “It's easy to lose steam once you hit that wall around step 72.”

…“We're asking folks to give whatever they can to help out, because if there's a more urgent cause than finding a cure for adult-onset diabetes, I sure as heck don't know what it is,” said Deen, explaining that part of the fun-walk proceeds would be used to purchase insulin so those afflicted with the disease can continue eating as many “yummy treats” as they desire. “Ain't it just the worst?”

“Believe me, honey, I know how sad it is to say ‘no thank you’ to that second pan of brownies…," Deen continued.

Deen in no way referred to “brownies” as “darkies” as originally reported. Deen says and wants everyone to understand, she knows that even when modified with the adjective “scrumptious,” the d-word is inappropriate in situations in which those people can hear you.

The Truth regrets the error.

I Laughed, I Cried: It Moved Me

Better — more genuine and moving — than half the Oscar nominees: “Misery Bear Goes to Work” or, as I like to call it, “Someone Filmed Me at Work Today.”

On the Anniversary...

The Navy Seal Who Killed Osama Bin Laden from Rob Riggle

In an undisclosed ceremony,

The Admiral: Lieutenant, this award is for your service in Abbottabad. To have shot bin Laden and led that mission, you define the term American hero.

The Lieutenant: Thank you, sir.


The Admiral: You must never tell anyone. Your action that day must remain anonymous; your medal, hidden; your pride, only within your heart. There will be no record of your name. No one will know of your bravery.


The Lieutenant: Absolutely, sir. Discretion, assured.

Later, at an undisclosed bar,

The Lieutenant: I FUCKING SHOT BIN LADEN!

Lest we forget.

For Children of All Ages

“He smells like what I would imagine syphilis smells like.”

If I say any more, I may spoil it for you.

I don't have to say anymore, though, right? That's enough to set your mouse a-clicking, isn't it?

If it isn't, I should confess: I'm incapable of writing anything that will intrigue you.

Okay, if you need me, I'll be on the pole at Centerfolds (Amateur Night), dancing to get the love and attention from strangers that I can't get from you here.

Guess Who's Getting Ready for Derby Day?

 Joshua Soule Smith's Ode to the Mint Julep

Then comes the zenith of man's pleasure. Then, comes the julep, the Mint Julep. Who has not tasted one has lived in vain. The honey of Hymettus brought no such solace to the soul; the nectar of the god's is tame beside it. It is the very dream of drinks, the vision of sweet quaffings.

The bourbon and the mint are lovers. in the same land they live, on the same food they are fostered. The mint dips its limpid leaf in the same stream that gives the bourbon what it is. The corn grows in the level lands through which the small streams meander. By the brookside the mint grows. As the wavelets pass, they glide up to kiss the feet of the royal mint. It bends to salute them, gracious and kind it is, living only for the sake of others. The crushing of it only makes its sweetness more apparent. Like a woman's heart, it gives its sweetest aroma when bruised.…

How shall it be? Take from the cold spring some water, pure as angels are; mix it with sugar till it seems like oil. Then take a glass and crush your mint within it with a spoon — crush it around the borders of the glass and leave no place untouched. Then throw the mint away — it is the sacrifice. Fill with cracked ice the glass; pour in the quantity of Bourbon which you want. It trickles slowly through the ice. Let it have time to cool, then pour your sugared water over it. No spoon is needed; no stirring allowed- just let it stand a moment. Then around the brim place sprigs of mint, so that the one who drinks may find the taste and odor at one draft.

Then when it is made, sip it slowly. August suns are shining, the breath of the south wind is upon you. It is fragrant cold and sweet – it is seductive. No maidens kiss is tenderer or more refreshing, no maidens touch could be more passionate. Sip it and dream — it is a dream itself.