The Truth*

Of Course, Do This in Your Car Any Other Day and the King Co. Sheriff's Department Is Going to Want to Have a Word with You (Don't Ask Me How I Know)

2012-01-19T00:44:00.000-08:00

Cool. Hip. Artsy. Edgy. Well played, New York. Well played, indeed. But you know if you hoist a funky pole, Seattle will run a freak flag up it, so by sponsoring this event, you knew it was only a matter of time before we replied, “Game on!”

True, Seattle doesn't have a subway system, only bus service, but if you've been on one of our buses, you know pants-less passengers pop up unexpectedly more than once a year. You also know it's neither cool nor hip nor artsy when it happens, and it's only edgy when incontinence is involved, as is, shamefully, too often the case. (It's generally the motive behind the pants-lessness—sad, I know.) As it turns out, the only thing the pants-less and incontinent love more than air drying their weeping brown eyes is free metro transit to all downtown locations. It doesn't make a good canvas for freak flag fun.

Which is why, partially, we opened our Light Rail Service last year. Yeah, ostensibly, we built it because we needed a commuter train linking the city to the airport, but I like to think we also did it so we could participate in the annual No Pants Ridge.

Game on, mofos!

That's right, NYC. It. Is. On.

Punch Someone in the Chest for MLK Day. It's What He Would Have Wanted

2012-01-17T00:08:00.000-08:00

My goal for MLK Day wasn't to do something grand, like spread justice throughout the land. It was to do something meager, something a person with my moral defects could manage. My goal: Don't put any more injustice into the mix.

Goal met.

Since there're still a few minutes left in the day, I'm going to bed before I screw this up.

Happy MLK Day, everyone!

2012-01-09T18:42:00.000-08:00

Philada. July 5. 1775

Mr. Strahan

You are a Member of Parliament, and one of that Majority which has doomed my Country to Destruction. You have begun to burn our Towns and murder our People. — Look upon your hands! They are stained with the Blood of your Relations! — You and I were long Friends:— You are now my Enemy, — and

I am,

Yours.

B. Franklin

There's much to admire in Ben Franklin. He was a activist, a revolutionary, a publisher, and a lech. But the title of his I admire most is letter writer.

I've always been an avid letter writer. When I was a kid, I was a pen pal. When I was in college, an activist with Amnesty International. It hasn't been until recently that I've slacked off, e-mail and text messaging filling in the void.

As convenient as those media are, they are not the same. Letter writing — pen to paper, stamp and post — is artful; it remains one of life's great pleasures for me. I hope I'll have more time to do it this year.

When I do, I hope I can follow Ben's example: concise, poetic, and clear. “I am yours.” Indeed.

That letter comes from this website, Letters of Note.

I've recommended it before, when I discovered what a misogynistic shit Mickey Mantle was. Keep in mind, “misogynistic shit” does not mean “not funny” because I laughed aloud when I read his contribution to the site. It's worth revisiting.

In 2012, You Can Still Get Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price at Loman & Associates, Ltd.

2012-01-06T18:38:00.000-08:00

A 36-year-old woman was accused of causing $10,000 worth of damage to a painting by the late abstract expressionist artist Clyfford Still, a work valued at more than $30 million, authorities said on Wednesday.
A police report said Carmen Tisch punched and scratched the painting, an oil-on-canvas called "1957-J no.2", at the recently opened Clyfford Still museum in Denver and pulled her pants down to slide her buttocks against it.
Tisch was charged with felony criminal mischief on Wednesday and has been held on a $20,000 bond since the incident in late December, said Lynn Kimbrough, spokeswoman for the Denver District Attorney's Office....
Tisch will be formally advised of the charges on Friday, Kimbrough said.

“Bifferson Loman, Esq. for the defense, Your Honor.”

“And how does your client intend to plea, Mr. Loman?”

“The same as all of my clients, Your Honor—Innocent.”

“Naturally.

“I'm sure the district attorney is as curious as I am as to how you plan to argue Innocence. Any chance we could have a preview of your strategy?”

“Certainly. Your Honor, my client's only crime is that like so many artists before her, she is misunderstood in her lifetime.…”

“Oh, jesus…

“In the early 20th century, Duchamp signed an urinal and asked, ‘Is it art?’

Exhibit A

“When my client was so rudely interrupted, she was in the midst of turning Duchamps' proposition on its head—looking at art and asking, ‘Is this the urinal?’ ”

“Your client is an artist? Who works in urine?”

“You have heard of the Piss Christ, haven't you, Your Honor?”

“Okay, but she seen rubbing her derrière against the painting…”

It was after she'd urinated, Your Honor. She was simply patting the dew off the daisy, as it were.”

“So the punching and scratching, …?”

“Part of the act: She was miming the frantic motions that go into setting off motion detectors for the soap dispenser, water, and paper towel machine, her point being, you can be an artist, and a lady.”

“So, your client is innocent of criminal mischief, guilty of conceptual art? I'm not buying it, Mr. Loman.”

“Of course, not, Your Honor. I wouldn't expect you to. But you give me one incontinent jurist, and my client is going to walk out of here an innocent woman.”

“I look forward to your day in court, Mr. Loman.”

God's Blog

2012-01-03T01:04:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: Pretty pleased with what I’ve come up with in just six days. Going to take tomorrow off. Feel free to check out what I’ve done so far. Suggestions and criticism (constructive, please!) more than welcome. God out.

COMMENTS (24)

“Spoiler — One of them is going to eat something off that tree You told them not to touch.”

“Beta version was better. I thought the Adam-Steve dynamic was much more compelling than the Adam-Eve work-around You finally settled on.”

Shit Just Got Real

2011-12-26T13:45:00.000-08:00

Santa Claus is coming to town.

He knows if you are Jewish.
He knows if you are poor.
Don't matter if you're bad or good.
He will skip your house for sure.

Oh, you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, 'cause that's all annoying.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

The elves are at work.
They're making your toys,
And by elves we mean Chinese girls and boys.

Santa Claus is outsourcing your future.

So leave some milk and cookies for jolly Ole St. Nick.
He'll eat them while he's shirtless taking picture of your dick.

So, …

Finally, proof that Santa Claus really was my father.

Hope you enjoyed the miracle of the holiday, everyone.

“I French Kiss.” “Phbbt! Everyone Does that.”“But Momma Says I'm the Best”

2011-12-16T21:23:00.000-08:00

The gag at Thursday's pep assembly at Rosemount High School was supposed to be a joke. But when it went viral on YouTube some people didn't find it the least bit funny.

“As principal I am responsible for everything that happens in the school so, ultimately, I am the person that needs to answer for this," school principal John Wollersheim said Wednesday.

Staff at the school planned a prank for the assembly during which each of the winter sports team captains were blindfolded and kissed.

The idea was that the students believe the kisser was another student and then guess who it was but the joke was the mystery kisser was that student's mom or dad. It was a gag that ultimately went awry.”

“I know there are people who are upset about what they have seen and as principal I am responsible for what happens here. For all the people who are offended, they are genuinely offended, and I owe them an apology,” Wollersheim said.

“This is supposed to be a fun event and it should leave everyone feeling pepped and if it is leaving people not feeling good or embarrassed or hurt that is absolutely the opposite of what we are trying to do.

“Needless to say, we're postponing the Parent-Student Key Party until further notice.“We're going to get at least one event right this year, gosh darn it.”

“This is supposed to be a fun event and it should leave everyone feeling pepped...” Unless “pepped” is midwestern slang for “homicidal with humiliation and shame,” I have no idea what you're talking about.

Seriously, you just tricked a bunch of kids into playing Seven Minutes in Heaven with their parents. Given the circumstances, “pepped” has got to have a secret meeting for you that those of us outside of Minnesota know nothing about.

If it helps you to explain, I'll give you an idea of where my head is on this.

Have you seen The Ring?

That's what “pepped” would come to mean if this had been done to me. It would mean I killed everyone in the gym that day who watched me make out with my mother, and then, tracked down everyone who watched this video online, and savagely murdered them.

Let's recap:

1. Kill everyone in gym.

2. Call everyone who watched the video on YouTube and ask,“Did you just watch me make out with my mom?”

3. After confirmation say, “Seven days, motherfucker!”

4. Deal deaths to all online viewers in ways so gruesome they would make the producers of the SAW films turn their heads in disgust.

Does that sound like the kind of pep you were going for?

Frankly, all things considered, this ended well for you.

He's Not Wrong: A Courtesy Lick Would Be Nice

2011-12-14T15:11:00.000-08:00

Eric Cartman: Why did you do this to me, god? Next time you're going to get my hopes up, would you please take me to grease monkey, 'cause I like to get lubed up before I get fucked! Huh?!Some lube would be nice!

Or, at least, a courtesy lick, god. How about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to fuck me?!

Wow. My mother should apologize to me for all the times she accused me of throwing a tantrum. Mom, those were not tantrums. These are tantrums.

That Shit's Crazy, Japanese-Game Show Crazy. Seriously, It Might Be Time to Separate Those Country by More than a Sea

2011-12-12T20:04:00.001-08:00

Holy shit, Russia! You almost made me want a Whopper. Almost.

I'm Laughing to Cover Up the Fact that I'm Dying Inside

2011-12-12T18:06:00.000-08:00

Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall

Jim Haggerty: And if you thought things couldn't get more infantile and aesthetically insulting than Fergie, Keesha, or Katy Perry, then you obviously haven't met 22-year-old K'ronikka, the latest and most horrid talent-bereft pop monstrosity the music industry has ever sadistically forced down the American public's collective throat.

She's here with us in the studio right now…

K'ronikka: Whut-whut!

Tracy Gill: Welcome K'ronikka! God, you're just the worst.

Jim Haggerty: Now, tell us K'ronikka, how did you first decide that you wanted to be the cypher through which the cynicism of a morally bankrupt industry is channeled?

…And, right now, our avarice-soaked, unscrupulous corporate advertisers require that we play a little bit of the Booty Wave video…

As it turns out, a booty wave is like a booty tsunami, and the song isn't any worse than the standard pop hits playing on the radio right now.That's not sad. That's not sad at all.

Why Can't Wearing a Condom Be This Much Fun?

2011-12-07T23:56:00.001-08:00

You win this time, Birth Control Ninja, but my white-tailed penis demons will beat you, yet.

If Not in My Text, Where? Where Should I Hide My Bullshit?

2011-12-01T17:57:00.001-08:00

I think I might have broken it

Wait: How'd I End Up the Bad Guy in This Play?!

2011-11-28T18:00:00.001-08:00

Don’t you just hate it when someone’s phone keeps ringing at the movie theater? And then someone tells them to shut it off and they don’t?

You know the drill. Inevitably, an irate movie patron will try to choke the owner of the ringing phone. Then the police show up and before you know it, you missed an important plot twist in “Tower Heist.”

Sheesh. It’s like some people just don’t have any respect for Eddie Murphy movies anymore.

That’s how a ringing phone was finally silenced at the Majestic Bay Theatres in Ballard last week.

KOMO News reports police were called to the theater after a series of strange events unfolded, culminating in a disgruntled patron trying to choke a man who was talking to himself and letting his phone ring during a 5 p.m. showing of “Tower Heist.”

Look, I wasn't disgruntled. He was letting his cell phone ring and talking throughout the movie. Under the circumstances, I believe I was just the right amount of gruntled.

What's sad is this whole 30-second choke-a-thon could have been avoided. Dude could have turned off his cell phone when he was asked politely. Barring that — and he did bar that — dude could have tapped out.

I mean, I'm not a monster.

There Are Worse Forms of Child Abuse than Corporal Punishment

2011-11-26T16:35:00.001-08:00

Exhibit A

It's just wrong on so many levels.

Now if You'll Excuse Me, I've Got to Go Update My “Motherlover” Profile on Craig's List

2011-11-23T19:50:00.001-08:00

Jordan, Tyler, come here. Sit down. I wanted to speak to you today about something that's been on Mommy's mind a lot lately. As you know, it's been almost two whole years since your father passed away, and we all miss him very, very much. But after a long period of mourning, I think we've finally healed enough as a family to begin moving forward with our lives. So, after giving it a lot of thought, your mother has come to the decision that she is finally ready to start fucking again.

It's time, kids. Your mother can't go on grieving forever.…

What I'm trying to say is sometimes your mother gets lonely and feels like spending some time with a person her own age. A special friend, you might say. A special friend who will tenderly lick your mother's breasts, and her clitoris, and maybe pull her hair when she asks him to. …

And please don't think that once I get a little deep dicking things won't be the same around here. You might worry that these new friends I'm inviting back to my bedroom at all hours of the night to turn me inside out will become more important to me than you. Well, let me tell you right now: Even an 18-year-old quarterback with a face like Johnny Depp's and the dong of a Clydesdale could never, ever make me forget that you are the most important things in my life. His perfect, smooth cock would still pale in comparison to you two. Even if it had a big thick throbbing head.

And no, you won't have to call this person daddy. I will, but you don't have to.

There's no good way to have this conversation. That's why I always leave it up to the mom. Learn from my experience. Help me help you.

If You Yelled, “Obama!” You've Probably Been Watching Too Many Republican Debates. Stop.

2011-11-19T19:11:00.001-08:00

The Fluffer (2011) - Official Trailer HD - watch more funny videos

Dale Murphy: I'm not gay. I just get dicks hard with my hands, and that one time with my mouth, and a half time with my butt…

Understanding but Troubled Love Interest (UTLI): We haven't had sex in six months!

Dale Murphy: That's because I don't know how to get you hard.

UTLI: That's because I don't have a dick, Dale!

Dale Murphy: Whose fault is that?! WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?!

Do you ever get the feeling that you're missing out on a lot of very interesting conversations by not being married?

“That Stinging Means It's Working”*

2011-11-16T18:25:00.001-08:00

*That's what they said about gonorrhea, and let me tell you, “working” does not mean “Good.”

Thanks, Law Guy, for Pointing This Out to Me!

2011-11-16T17:00:00.001-08:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Vodka Tampons

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

Video Archive

Stephen Colbert: Now that you have a child…, I also need to share with you my wisdom as a father.

Being a parent is a sublime and beautiful adventure, filled with unexpected joys and unimaginable terrors.

I hope you've enjoyed sleeping, because as a parent, the rest of your nights will be haunted by local news stories like this:
Elizabeth Erwin (CBS NEWS): Two things that I never thought would appear in the sentence: tampons and vodka. Do I have your attention?
Stephen Colbert: Yes. Yes, you do.

Elizabeth Erwin (CBS NEWS): Good. Because if you're a parent, you really need to hear this.

Officer Chris Thomas spends his days patrolling the halls of a valley high school. He's heard firsthand how kids are getting tipsy.
Officer Chris Thomas: What we're hearing about is teenagers utilizing tampons soaked in vodka first before using them.
Elizabeth Erwin (CBS NEWS): You heard right: teens taking tampon, soaking them in vodka, and inserting them there.…
Stephen Colbert: Nation, I wish—I wish—I could say that this practice … is limited to teenage girls, but as KPHO, Phoenix's news leader, reports, this phenomenon is equal opportunity.
Officer Chris Thomas: This is definitely not just girls. Guys will also use it, and they'll insert them into their rectums.…
Stephen Colbert: Parents, everywhere in America, boys are soaking tampons in vodka and literally getting drunk off their asses. … If you are with a teenage boy right now, chances are they have a vodka-soaked tampon in their butts.…

A very important advisory to my teenage views: do not do this! It is very dangerous, and for god's sake, if you soak your tampons in tequila, don't salt the rim.

It's true. I'm literally getting drunk off my ass, now. And you know what? When I switch to tequila, I'm throwing caution to the wind: I'm salting the rim, and juicing the limes with my ultra-toned glutes. (I don't do all those squats in the gym for nothing.)

Another Alternative: Eat Shit and Die

2011-11-14T18:20:00.001-08:00

One too many bouts of flatulence and cramping has led a Florida inmate to sue the Department of Corrections, arguing that the prison’s soy-based turkey dogs and sloppy Joes amount to cruel and unusual punishment.

Eric D. Harris, 34, who is serving a life sentence for sexual battery on a child, said the soy in his prison chow is threatening his health by endangering his thyroid and immune system.

As an inmate at the Lake Correctional Institution, near Orlando, Mr. Harris, a former paralegal, has few culinary choices. He can eat 100 grams of soy protein a day, use his own money to buy food at the commissary or eat a vegan diet, he said in the lawsuit, which was filed in state court in Tallahassee and which The Orlando Sentinel reported on this week.

Gretl Plessinger, a spokeswoman for the Florida Department of Corrections, said inmates can choose an alternative vegan meal if they do not want soy. “We have a constitutional obligation to feed them healthy, nutritious food, but we don’t have an obligation to feed them beef,” she said.

“Excessive soy can be toxic to the thyroid gland,” said Sally Fallon Morell, the president and treasurer of the Weston A. Price Foundation, a nonprofit group that advocates a diet of whole, largely unprocessed foods and food high in saturated fats, and is publicizing the lawsuit. “It can have hormonal effects.”

Yeah, we wouldn't want to affect your hormones. You might lose control and do something crazy, like sexual battery on a child.

Oh, wait, you did that when you were normal, before the state started fucking with your thyroid. My bad.

To hear that you've got to serve a life sentence with tummy troubles, … Well, my ass bleeds for you.

Of course, I mean that only figuratively. Your victim would probably have to end that turn of phrase with “literally.”

Oh, right, you did sexual battery on a child, not sexual assault, which if this source is to be believed, means you didn't do any penetrating violations of the bleed-y kind. Nope, you went right up to the sodomy abyss, and only looked in. I hope they commended you for your restraint during sentencing; I'm guessing from the life sentence, they didn't: Tough break, that.

But—as is so often the case—I digress.

Where was I, then?

Oh, yeah, I can see why you balked at eating soy and taking up a vegan diet. I had to do that for health reasons once, and it was not fun.

While you're being forced to adopt this dietary change, too, let's be candid, and admit the obvious difference. Side effects from medication forced me to adopt a soy-heavy diet; the state of Florida is forcing you to. And why? Because you couldn't keep your hands (and other parts) off our children even when we—the rest of society—politely asked you not to. (We passed a law and everything.)

If your dining choices are now limited because you couldn't not bad-touch children despite our protests, I'm sorry, but I don't really give a shit.

Yeah, I think that was my point.

So, Pastors' Wives Don't Swallow. Good to Know

2011-11-13T20:03:00.001-08:00

Family Feud

Steve Harvey: Megan, tell me something that you put in your mouth, but don't swallow.

Wow.… You talk about the cat-that-ate-the-canary look.

Megan, I'm going to ask you a question. I want you to think about this show and all the years it's aired, how many families have enjoyed this wonderful form of Christian entertainment. So find a way to give me your answer and keep it where we can all be working when you're done.

Megan: Well, I'm a pastor's wife, but, um, I will say this out loud: There's sperm.

You know it's up there, Steve. Everyone knew it. It's up there.We're going for the money!

Steve: [mocking her] “We're going for the money, so that makes it all right! It doesn't matter that I'm a pastor's wife. Ticket to hell is worth $20,000.00. You know it's up there, Steve.”

No, I don't know a damn thing is up there. What you ain't going to do is drag me into your little nasty world…

You can drag me into your nasty, little world. If knowing this ahead of time helps, I'll put up little fight.

So, is there a line?

“Neighbor of Anus” Isn't Bad, Either

2011-11-11T17:51:00.001-08:00

Welcome to the first episodes of Christian Phrases with Bryan Blake. My name is Bryan Blake.

Today, I'm going to walk you through a couple of phrases you can use when you want to describe a woman's VAGINA.

That word alone is disgusting, and when you say things like that, you allow Satan to enter your body and take control of your mouth and use such vile words.

So, today, we're going to give you fifty-one different ways to say the word VAGINA, so you don't sound like a filthy whore with a dirty mouth.

So, let's get started: 1. PUFF PILLOW …

I like “Satan's Doorbell” for the clitoris. It just rolls off the tongue. (Sorry.)

If only I were a practicing Christian, I could have the added pleasure of feeling like a “filthy whore with a dirty mouth” after I've said it. It really sucks to be a heathen sometimes.

By the way, what whore has a clean mouth?

I Hope Her Father Doesn't See This, Either

2011-11-11T00:00:00.001-08:00

Quote from one of the girls: “OMG can you take a photo of us showing our tits?!”

Other girl: “OMG I hope my father doesn't see this.”

Other girl: “OMG look at us, we look soooo hot!!! Can you tag us in it please.”

What can I tell you? We really enjoy Halloween around here.

Lest We Forget

2011-11-09T19:44:00.000-08:00

Early this year, we told you about the movement to make November 11, 2011 officially Nigel Tufnel Day.

Tufnel, of course, is a protagonist of This is Spinal Tap, beloved for his amp that goes to 11, making it, of course, “one louder.”

And while we have fully supported this cause — which includes a dedicated tumblr page and nearly 20,000 members in a Facebook group — there's one problem.

With Friday fast approaching, no authority with the proper jurisdiction has taken the necessary steps to, in fact, declare it officially Nigel Tufnel Day. That is, until now.

Which is why, by the power invested in us by that big-bottomed spirit in the sky, we at West Coast Sound hereby declare this Friday, November 11, 2011, 11/11/11, to be Nigel Tufnel day.…

Governments the world over, therefore, are officially required to acknowledge that their citizens are in need of that extra push over the cliff. That a life turned up to 11 is the only one any of us are interested in living.

All employees everywhere shall be granted a paid holiday, and the laws of physics shall cease to apply. At 11:11 a.m. on this day we will all pay respects to a tiny Stonehenge, and at 11:11 p.m. we will smell the glove.

It would probably be okay to talk about bum cakes then, too, but don't let me influence you. Observe the day, celebrate the man, any way you choose — just as long as you turn it up to 11.

Is It Pizza Pthursday, Yet?

2011-11-09T18:58:00.000-08:00

Herman Cainâs Campaign Promises with Mike Tyson from Mike Tyson

“Hello, I'm Herman Cain…. I use to be the CEO of Godfather's, a restaurant so gross, it made my children hate pizza. Now, I'm running for president, and leading in the Republican polls.

“Why? Because the Tea Party loves Crazy more than it hates blacks, and I'm crazier than a shit house rat.”

I worked for Godfather's Pizza back in the '80s, so, technically, I worked for Herman Cain once upon a time, and, yes, he harassed me while I was on the job—if we agree that by “harassed” we mean “paid me minimum wage and made me wear a hair net.” I've barely been gainfully employed since.

A Lohan Is Born

2011-11-09T17:44:00.000-08:00

Authorities in Texas have charged a Dallas woman with forcing her 6-year-old daughter to repeatedly videotape her having group sex.
According to police records, the 24-year-old woman is charged with indecency with a child by exposure, a third-degree felony punishable by up to 10 years in prison and a $10,000 fine. The woman, who was arrested Saturday, was in jail Tuesday on a $50,000 bond....

The Dallas Morning News reported Tuesday the police went to the woman's apartment acting on a tip. The mother has since told police her daughter used a cellphone to videotape three separate incidents involving six men, the newspaper reported....

Marissa Gonzales, a spokeswoman for the state's Child Protective Services agency, said the 6-year-old was immediately placed in foster care after her mother's arrest.

“Physically, she's fine,” Gonzales said. “Artistically, she's burned out. I think she's gone about as far as she can go with amateur porn and cell phone cinematography,” she almost certainly did not add.

“In talks, she's expressed an interest in going mainstream. We think with the right script, we could be in Sundance this time next year. So, if you've got a project and a at least a hand-cam, we'd like to talk to you.”

The Perfect Accompaniment to that? Bourbon, Straight from a Flask

2011-11-08T17:28:00.000-08:00

Robert: Okay, you've got steak, mustard, mushrooms, what's this green thing?
Ian: That's a vegetable, Robert.

Well, you say that, but I don't see anything green on the ingredients list.

Seriously, what am I missing, because I'm starting to get a little peckish, and might need to make me a sandwich to get through the end of the day, till dinner?

By the Way, Every Bowel Movement at the Loman House Is Fêted in the Same Way

2011-11-07T20:05:00.000-08:00

A leading Nigerian comic actor arrested on suspicion of ingesting drugs to smuggle to Europe was on Friday freed on bail after 25 closely monitored bowel movements produced nothing suspicious.Babatude Omidina, known by his stage name Baba Suwe, was arrested last month at Lagos's international airport where he had been due to take a flight to France.But after 24 days in detention during which his bowel movements were earnestly followed by authorities and the media, an apologetic High Court judge in Lagos ordered his release.

As far as standards of justice go—reasonable doubt, preponderance of evidence, strict scrutiny, “because I said so,” etc.—an un-askance bowel movement has got to be the most rigorous.

Seriously, his bowel movements didn't produce anything suspicious? I can't imagine. Nothing leaves my body that isn't a little suspicious, and if it's been shat, you don't need a judge, a medical examiner, or a posse of deputies to confirm it: it's definitely shady.

True, it won't be drug-mule shady, but you wouldn't want it to babysit your kids.

I digress.

The point is by going to the bowel standard, Nigerian opened a huge justice gap on Western civilization. The world is watching America.

Having People Chant “Go! Go!” instead of “Go Away!” Would Be Nice, Too

2011-11-05T11:33:00.000-07:00

I'm going down to the barbershop, and when they ask me what I'd like, I'm going to pop out my iPhone, start this video, and say, “That. When you're done, I want my hair to look like that.”It's part one of my Scarface-esque master plan: first, you get the conked 'fro; then, you get the Jimmy legs; then, you get the women.Women can't say, “No,” to the Jimmy legs. True story.

It Looks Like Al Jolson in Black Face. (Or Is It Just Me?)

2011-11-03T17:37:00.000-07:00

When Canadian researchers recently conducted an ultrasound to examine a growth on a patient’s testicles, they expected to look at the mass, but didn’t expect the mass to be staring back.“It was almost like art coming out of this patient’s testicles,” said Dr. Naji Touma, an assistant professor of urology at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ont. “And that was before it began singing ‘Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen.’“I tell you, there wasn't a dry eye in the lab,” Dr. Touma in no way said.

“Them Sheep Ain't Nothin' But Liars, Every One of Them”

2011-11-01T18:44:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's what the sheep look like in Washington state. Jealous?

Quentin Tarrantino Wishes He Could Make a Movie This Good

2010-12-31T22:27:00.000-08:00

Run! Bitch Run! Trailer from Freak Show Entertainment on Vimeo.

God, you know I can't get enough of camp. This has turned the camp meter to eleven, so, yeah, I'm going to see it.

Plus, it's got “bitches, bitches, bitches.”

I Would Have Written Myself into a Corner with “I Think Your Ass Looks Delicious”

2010-12-15T00:18:00.000-08:00

I’d buy you a drink, but I snuck mine in (in),
So unless you want a shot of this generic gin (gin),
That I’ve been drinking in the corner since I don’t know when,
Then I won’t be much use to you.

But look,

I think your ass looks delicious.
(Uh huh.)
I got to get my dick in your britches.
(He will.)
Your body gonna make me religious.
(Hey!)
You know I wanna sex it with you.

But look, now,

I got a lot a bitches to plow,
So you can fuck me later,
But you should fuck-ah me now

What's it gonna be?
What's it gonna be? Ha!
I ain’t got all night.

I see that guy you’re with,
And I know he’s hot and I know he’s rich,
But he’s got nothing on me when it comes to fucking.

Ha! now,

If you even really cared about that vagina of yours,
You wouldn’t leave it in the hands of an amateur.
You’d put it on my dick, and you’d sit real good.
(You know that’s where you wanna be.)

Look, now,

I got a lot a bitches to plow,
So you can fuck me later,
But you should fuck-ah me now.

Come on.

What's it gonna be?
What's it gonna be? Ha!
I ain’t got all night.

Every generation redefines the sonnet for its times. I believe Mike O'Connell has done it for ours.

Suck it, Greatest Generation.

“Peach Tree” and “Petri” Are Not Like “Tomato” and “Tomahto”

2010-12-10T14:11:00.000-08:00

Sarah Silverman: All the women in America, I promise you, you do not need vaginal deodorant. You need a doctor.

The Funniest Thing Is, Louis CK is of Mexican Descent, like First-Generation

2010-12-06T20:03:00.000-08:00

Louie CK: I gave my daughter medicine the other day and it was bubblegum-flavored—so she'll take it—and she goes, “Ew!” I go, “Fuck you, ‘Ew’ You can't say, “You can't say, ‘Ew.’” I'm sorry.…

You're a little, white girl in America. You wear clothes made by children your age professionally. You don't get to say, “Ew”

And with that, he's just getting started up. From there, he launches into the privilege his daughters enjoy—definitely funny.

“A Lot of Things Are Dangerous, but Danger Is Sexy”

2010-12-06T19:37:00.000-08:00

Prenatal Pole Dancing DVD from Christina Applegate

Lonnie R: 7 Months Pregnant: I asked Roxy Fedaro, “Hey, is it was okay for me to pole dance while I'm pregnant?” She said, “I'm not a doctor, but, yes, it's fine.”

Roxy Fedaro: I can't see my fucking lady parts anymore, but I can still show you how I work them.

Thank god for that.

Thanks, Ms. Parks!

2010-12-01T15:14:00.001-08:00

Google re-designed its logo today to honor the 55th anniversary of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus and sparking the modern Civil Rights Movement. Good for you, Google.

But that design sucks. The subject is totally lost to the image. There's little about today's logo that speaks to the event or the Movement or the woman behind it all.

More important, given the subject, how could you use an image that had the black kid being the last one off the bus?!

Yeah, That's Why I Never Got into Lost

2010-11-24T20:26:00.000-08:00

Why isn't there more fucking on this island?
Don't they know that they could have all this?
I should plow that ass before I smother them with gas.
I'm evil, but I still have needs.

Amen, brother.

I was taught that Christianity was founded around the first question asked of god in the bible: “Am I my brother's keeper?” and that its teachings go on to the answer the question. (It's “Yes.” Yes, you are.) I can see why that is so appealing for so many people.

But for me, any religion that hopes to win my soul has to have a more sensual question at it's center. Now, I'm not saying “Why isn't there more fucking around here?” is right for everyone, but if a community of like-minded others wanted to get together and explore the rapturous nature of that mystery every Sunday morning, using a book that answers the questions for us with stories and parables and testimonies and pop-up cutouts, I would be interested to know where they would be meeting. (And I'd be willing to bring the holy lube.)

Nero Fiddled. Biff Baked

2010-11-24T17:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Children of the World being Kept Alive by U.N.-Supplied Gruel,

You know how much we've helped you, and, no doubt, it's led you to ask yourself what you can do to show your thanks in return. Here's what you can do.

You know how we've wired your schools and public spaces. Well, to say, “Thanks,” this Thanksgiving, stay off the Internet, and if you can't do that—say, you have a project or Nigerian Prince scam that needs attending to—if the Internet can't be avoided, then just don't google “Thanksgiving” or search for it on YouTube. I'd appreciate it. I think everyone else would, too.

It's not that we're trying to hide anything. It's just that we don't want to hear your hearts break while we're trying to eat our second and third helpings of pig stuffed with five kinds of fowl (turkey, duck, chicken, cornish hen, and quail) and meat gloop. It's bad for the digestion.

Sincerely,
Biff Loman

Let the Eye Glazing Begin

2010-11-22T19:47:00.000-08:00

No, I get that you're having a bad day, but here's what I don't get—whether you're having a normal bad day or a Nic Cage bad day? Just so you know, if you're not having a Nic Cage bad day, I'm probably going to lose interest in the rest of your “I'm having such a bad day” story.

It's True. You're Not a Whore if It's for Charity.

2010-11-15T20:04:00.000-08:00

“It's that time of year again. It's November, the time of year where men everywhere are sprouting patchy, little lip sweaters for Mo-vember. Movember is a cause in which men grow mustaches to help fight testicular and prostate cancer.

But you know who also hates cancer? Women hate cancer.

Cancer is a real a-hole.

Cancer steals titties.

Cancer steals balls.

I saw Cancer kick a dog.

Cancer loves Glen Beck and it hates nachos.

Cancer gave me crabs, and didn't even call me back. Thanks alot, Cancer.

As a woman, what can I do?

Most women can't grow a mustache—you know, I can't grow a full mustache.

Sure, I can grow a beard and a few hairs on my boobs, but that's it.

Women can have sex with a guy who has a mustache. That's why Asylum.com has established the women's answer to Mo-vember—Have Sex with a Guy with a Mustache Day…You're not a whore if it's for charity. So women of the world, on November 18th, we ask you—we beg you!—bone down with a dude who has a mustache.

Together, we can eradicate cancer. Use your vagina to make a difference. Cancer doesn't stand a chance.

All right. Here's my sacrifice. Here's me throwing myself on the grenade, taking one for the team. If any ladies out there have trouble finding a mustachioed-American to bone down with, you can call me. I'll brush the crumbs off your cookie. Because that's the kind of guy I am—generous to a fault. One day, it'll be the end of me, but until then, I'll continue to do what I do. What can I say? I'm a giver.

"Party in the Back Philosophy"

2010-11-13T17:29:00.000-08:00

There's just no stopping an idea whose time has come.

If You Think I'm Going in There, You're Crazy

2010-11-05T19:38:00.000-07:00

Meet Melissa Lee Williams. The West Virginia woman, 41, is facing assault and weapons charges after allegedly waving a knife at two men who declined her demands to engage in sexual conduct at a West Virginia motor inn.…

According to investigators, Williams—who lives four doors down from her estranged husband at the 77 Motor Inn—showed up at his door and asked Danny Williams and another man to “eat my pussy.” At this point, Williams, pictured in the mug shot at right, “commenced to undress herself,” reported Deputy Ross Mellinger.

While Danny Williams “declined said invitation,” the other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he “agreed to perform at her request.” However, as Watson approached Williams, “he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams.“ Watson, understandably, “declined to proceed any further.”

This is when Melissa Williams allegedly “produced a lock-back folding knife,” opened it, and pointed the weapon at her estranged husband. She then reportedly uttered a line never before memorialized in a police report: “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat.”

If I'm hearing that, it can only mean one thing. It's Friday night. You'd think it would get old, but it never does.

By the way, Ms. Lee, we have a saying around Fayetteville, which you would be smart to take to heart. It goes like this, “If you're going to invite people over to eat, you've got to wash your dishes.” Those simple words have allowed the women of Fayetteville to keep their knives tucked away until they really needed them—like when they wanted to cuddle.

*Thanks to PK for sending this to me

Fuck Me, I Loves Me Some Shatner

2010-11-05T19:31:00.000-07:00

And when Shatner isn't rocking the mike, George Takei is.

I'm an unabashed Star Trek: The Original Series fanboy, but who knew these guys would still be on the scene forty years later.

Live long(er) and prosper, Kirk, Sulu.

Jackie's Back

2010-11-03T23:47:00.000-07:00

Introducing Jackie Chiles: For the People from Jackie Chiles

“There's nothing better for you and worse for that person trying to take advantage of you than for you to have Jackie Chiles on your side.”

Well, duh.

As Usual: Out of Paper

2010-10-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

This one was created at the request of one of my cousins and it was a big hit at breakfast with the family. I guess toilets are inherently funny, Allie got a big laugh out of it. I made it by stacking a bunch of layers all together, a few chocolate chips at the bottom of the bowl complete the effect.

Dude, you spend waaaaaay too much time thinking about ways to get your 3-year-old to eat her pancakes, but in this case, it was time well-spent. Well played, sir.

Sorry. I'm on a Lewis Black Kick at the Moment

2010-10-09T16:52:00.000-07:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Exclusive - Lewis Black: A Look Back in Anger

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Rally to Restore Sanity

Lewis Black: “On the list of things that we have to worry about, Same Sex Marriage is on Page Six, after Are We Eating Too Much Garlic as a People.”

“Turn On the Cameras. Let's Start the Freak Show”

2010-10-07T19:03:00.000-07:00

Whenever I hear Pour Some Sugar on Me, I feel compelled to strip. This isn't an issue that comes up often. I've been a high-functioning pervert—stripper clean and thong free since '93, when the song all but disappeared from the airwaves. Still, to this day, whenever I hear it, my clothes become encumbrances, and I become a burning hunk of churning funk, a writhing, grinding danger to my employment opportunities and relationships.

I don't know why that is. Maybe, I wasn't hugged enough as a child. Maybe, I was hugged too much. Maybe, I have unresolved Daddy issues. And, maybe, I just like dropping my ass like it's hot onto a stage covered in sweaty dollars to the delight of strangers. Thinking about it just makes my head hurt.

You probably don't understand where I'm coming from. That's okay. Conan does.

Whew, is it me, or is it hot in here?

Because What Americans Need is More Confidence

2010-10-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Back in Black - Education Crisis

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Rally to Restore Sanity

Voice Over for the narrator of Waiting for Superman: For these kids, there only chance for getting into a great school depends on whether their number is picked in a lottery.…

Lewis Black: Unfortunately, for those kids who aren't picked, it won't be the last time they pin all their hopes on winning the lottery.

Lewis Black went to school inside an empty carton of Pall Malls (which, sadly, still beats where I went to high school).

He also went to my alma mater, The University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, where he majored in Raging Bitterness. (That was my minor.)

Bonus Sexy Points for the Crossword Puzzle.

2010-10-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

They once asked, “How Ya' Gonna Keep 'em Down on the Farm (after They've Seen Paris)?”

Well, there is the Loman Method:

Raise hot farm girls.

Train them in the art of the da' sexy

Have a bourbon. Relax. (You've earned it.)

Well played, Austria.

“Sorry, Fellas! She's Taken”

2010-10-01T17:46:00.001-07:00

I love her so much.

You Probably Thought It Was Part of the Video

2010-09-28T20:23:00.001-07:00

That sound you hear is me moaning in anguish. Don't let it alarm you.

But set your faces to Stunned.

“Fill Your Hands, You Son of Bitch!”

2010-09-28T19:20:00.000-07:00

This version is suppose to be closer to the the Charles Portis novel, while incorporating elements from the John Wayne pic. Whether that means it'll be any good, who knows, but I'm looking forward to it—really looking forward to it.

But then, I love Charles Portis, I love the Coen Brothers, and I really love the original True Grit. Consider that a disclaimer.

I Really Want an Ass Car

2010-09-27T01:19:00.000-07:00

I feel I wasn't made for running, but to kick you tender till the end of time.

Yours,
Diesel Sneakers

Vaginas: Is There Nothing They Cannot Do

2010-09-18T19:42:00.001-07:00

You win, Japan. Your kung fu is stronger than ours. For Now.

I Think I'll Just Make a Donation, You Know, with Money

2010-09-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

Interactive Lower Back Tattoos from Kat Von D

Fight diabetes by ejaculating on a Wilford Brimley tramp stamp. Ask me how.

“It Must Be Hard to be a Guy Who's a Girl's Toy”

2010-09-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

This is mortifying. I still shiver and block it out when the memory arises: I tended to use whatever was available at the age of 16; in my case, my little sister's ken doll was just the right size. Being widely uneducated about how it all worked down there at that point, I would just sit on it and rock.

Well, we all know how easily those ken heads popped off…yep. Into the the vajayjay. The problem was, I could not get it out myself. I flipped completely out, thoughts of it going up into my uterus and damaging my internal organs (again, not properly educated!) flying through my panic-induced brain.

What did I do? I told my mother. Took a deep breath, then blurted, “I was masturbating with a ken doll and the head came off inside me!”

The look on her face was a mixture of anger, disappointment and embarrassment. But she took me upstairs, and attempted to get it out. I was crying, mortified to the core.

It got worse. She couldn't get it out. So she: got. my. FATHER.

…who then got his pliers. That worked.

Dad never talked about it again; mom walked out of the room, scolding me, saying “come talk to me next time you want to do that!”

At least I didn't wind up at the hospital?

(Top that, someone. I dare you.)

Yep, she won the Absolute Worst Masturbation Story contest with a Ken doll, some pliers, and her dad. Well played, madam.

Freaky Japanese Television — Now with Three Times More Ass

2010-08-29T17:59:00.000-07:00

I've been saving money for a trip to Paris, but, really, who am I fooling. I'm not a cultured man about town. I'm a man with a freak flag begging to wave freely. It's time I stopped denying it, and let my vacation choices speak for me.

“Titkerchief” May Be My New Favorite Word

2010-08-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

Just kidding “callipygian.” No sniglet could ever take your place.

Mostly, It's a Class-Issue, but Whites and Blacks Do Experience the Justice System Differently

2010-08-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

Chappelle's Show

Tron Carter's Law & Order

www.comedycentral.com

Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs

Black Comedy

True Hollywood Story

I've only been on a jury for two days, but my impression is that most criminals would be better off if they pled the Fifth, as in one-two-three-four-FIF.

I'll tell you more about my experience in the jury box when my trial is over.

Justice Begins Tomorrow

2010-08-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

Chappelle's Show

Celebrity Trial Jury Selection

www.comedycentral.com

Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs

Black Comedy

True Hollywood Story

I'm going in for jury duty tomorrow. I expect it to go something like this, so, yeah, contempt of court will be cited, and, yes, I'll need you to bail me out.

Don't wait too long. A pretty man like me won't last long in lock-up. If you're not there within the first hours, you'll have to ask for me using my prison name, Cries like a Bitch.

No, wait. That's my Sioux name. Or, maybe, my porn name.

Anyway, hurry. One of the reasons I'm so attractive is my “purty mouth.” That's bound to make other men think things, things I'd rather not think about.

Hey, Elin, if You Find that You Really Can't Go Back Now that You've Gone Black, I Might Know Someone Who's Your Type. Call Me!

2010-08-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

Ms. Nordegren and Mr. Woods issued this joint statement:

We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us. Okay, one of us puts keeping his dick wet 24/7/365 (and 366 on Leap Years — Hollar, bitches!!) ahead of the kids, but reasonable parents can agree to disagree on the proper position of kids in one's life. But we digress. Where were we? Oh, yes, once ~~she~~ we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure ~~her~~ their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern.

“Can someone sign my name to this? I'd do it, but if I don't leave now, I'll never be able get in 18 holes of golf and the wait staff of Denny's before sundown.

How Much Would You Pay Not to Have Your Ass Sewn Up Tighter than a Christmas Goose?

2010-08-20T17:05:00.000-07:00

Police in southern Shenzhen City confirmed a patient's claim that her anus had been sewn by a midwife suspected of taking revenge during the patient's labor because she failed to receive a good tip.

A medical report by the police showed the anus had been sewn with black threads and needle near her bleeding hemorrhoid, reported Nanfang Daily yesterday.

The midwife surnamed Zhang had denied it.…

Zhang claimed she applied the ligature treatment to cure the woman's bleeding pile out of generosity, though it violated professional practice.…

The director of Fenghuang Hospital in Luohu District, where Zhang worked, said she couldn't comment because she didn't see the report. But she said further investigation was still needed.…

According to the patient's husband, surnamed Chen, the midwife had hinted that he give her extra money before the child's birth on July 23. But Chen gave her only 100 yuan (US$15), which she thought too meager and sparked her revenge.

The answer, then, is, “More than $15.00.”

Seriously, dude, there's a time to haggle and there's a time to pay the retail price. This was the time for the latter.

Live and learn.

Thanks, LawGuy for Pointing This Out to Me

2010-08-11T20:07:00.000-07:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Alpha Dog of the Week - Steven Slater

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

2010 Election

Fox News

A JetBlue flight attendant left his job in dramatic fashion yesterday, allegedly cursing out passengers on his flight before exiting via the plane's emergency exit — beer in hand — and eventually driving off in a car he had parked at the airport.

…ABC says "one of the passengers apparently got out of his seat to grab a bag from an overhead compartment. The flight attendant walked over to tell him he had to sit down. The two reportedly got into an argument and somehow the flight attendant got hit in the head with either the bag or the compartment door."

That's when things got interesting, according to the various media reports.…

If by “interesting,” you mean he went home and got laid, then, yes, things got very interesting, indeed.

Shaft in Star Wars, Starring Billy Dee Williams's Cousin Ray Ray

2010-08-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

“Get between this brother and his woman, and space ain't black enough to hide from him.”

It's True. I'm Not Bragging. It's Just a Fact.

2010-08-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

Question: What is evil?

Michael Stone: Well, evil is a very fascinating topic. Are we really permitted as a legitimate for ordinary folks to use that word “evil,” because it tended for thousands of years to belong to the sphere of religion and philosophy, but I noticed, as we all do, people used the word evil all the time, people in ordinary life, journalists, prosecutors, judges, etc.

So, I began to create a scale of evil. I ended up at first with just a few numbers on my scale, but I then got it up to 22 of which the first one was “not evil,” just justified homicide. Number two was crimes of passion, all the way up to 22 where there was usually a serial killer subjecting victims to prolonged torture. So, that's about as bad as it gets.

“Oh,” Dr. Stone did not add. “I almost forgot. If you have big brothers, you should add Nos. 23-25 to your scale for those sick fucks, but, of course, only Biff Loman will ever need No. 25.”.

This August 25, Justice Carries a Badge.

2010-07-25T13:56:00.001-07:00

I've never been called for jury duty before now. I have a feeling after August 25, I'll never be called again.

I'd like to think it'll because of some “Let Justice rule, though the heavens fall” stand I'll take, but more than likely it'll be because somewhere in the selection process, I slip and reveal my bias, which will be so shocking to those who haven't been exposed to my Biff-ness that the clerk will make a notation in the files.

“Woo, I Wonder Who that Super-Angry, Pissed Off Scrap of Paper Is”

2010-07-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

Just a Bill with Cedric Yarbrough & Gary Anthony Williams from Cedric Yarbrough

Bill:

I'm just a bill.
That's right. I'm only a bill.
And these suckas need to sop up that spill.

The folks at British Petroleum said they're giving it all they got.
How are you going to fix the floor of the ocean from the deck of a fucking yacht?!

Spouting lies and spilling all that oil,
Killing crawdads and spoiling the soil,
Fuck BP and go sue Susan Boyle.

Li'l' Boy: Gee, Bill, Susan Boyle has nothing to do with it.

Bill: Well, neither does Barack Obama, but people want to blame him, and whether Barack Obama wants to or not, he may have to go Obama-bastic on their behinds.

They broke the ocean, man!…

It's as simplistic as its predecessor, and it's just as funny. Oh, yeah!

Some Sentiments Are Best Expressed with Flowers

2010-07-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

And under the circumstances, you should probably go with a less jizz-y color of icing for the message.

I Write Like...

2010-07-14T18:58:00.000-07:00

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Well, if he weren't dead already, I'm pretty sure the comparison would kill him.

Geez, Mom. Get a Job Teaching High School. Then, You Can Fuck All the 14-Year-Olds You Want. Until Then...

2010-07-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

Maybe that'll teach her.

A Michigan mom who pleaded guilty to having sex with her 14-year-old biological son she gave up for adoption and later found on the Internet, will face at least nine years behind bars, according to the Detroit Free Press.

Aimee L. Sword, 36, of Waterford, apologized at her sentencing on Monday in Oakland County Circuit Court on Monday. The former Macy's makeup clerk could face up to 30 years in jail.

Sword tracked her teenage son, who is now 16, on Facebook in 2008 after she didn't receive an annual update from the boy's adoptive family in Grand Rapids.

"When she saw this boy, something just touched off in her—and it wasn't a mother-son relationship, it was a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship," Sword's attorney, Mitchell Ribitwer, said to the newspaper.

Sword said she only has sex with her son once.

That's the most vile, despicable, reprehensible, disgusting… Oh, you only did it once? Well, that's all right, then. Forgive my outrage. Carry on.

You Don't Have to Like the Product, but You've Got to Love Its Name

2010-07-10T18:20:00.000-07:00

Shhhhh…Women have their beauty and fashion secrets and this is one of them. If you are an active, fashion conscious or contemporary woman then Camelflage panties are for you. These aren't your ordinary panty, they were specifically designed to smooth out your feminine parts under tight clothing. Yoga and exercise pants, leggings, tight shorts, skinny jeans or even some work trousers can have a shorter inseam. You have enough to worry about these days; the last thing you need to think about is your panties riding up during your cardio kick boxing class.

Really, between the Camel Toe Annie and this, I don't know where women stand on the the “smoothing of their lady parts”

If it helps, as long as you're not sporting a Mumbler, guys don't mind reading your tea leaves. I know you don't dress for us; I'm just saying.

One for the “I'll Never Regret Getting This Tattoo” File

2010-07-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

The lawyer for a Bells man who faces sentencing in a plot to kill more than 100 black people, including President Barack Obama, has filed a motion asking that he be transported to the Madison County Jail for tattoo alteration before he is sent to federal prison.

Daniel Cowart, 21, pleaded guilty in March to eight federal charges including threatening to kill Obama — who was a candidate for president at the time authorities discovered the plot — and transporting firearms, ammunition and a short-barreled shotgun in interstate commerce for the purpose of committing robberies, burglaries and murders.

Cowart and Paul Schlesselman, of Helena-West Helena, Ark., were arrested in October 2008 and charged with planning a multistate robbery and killing spree, which would end in an attempt to kill Obama.

Schlesselman was sentenced to 10 years, and Cowart faces a possible 12- to 18-year sentence at a hearing scheduled for Aug. 13.

Cowart's lawyer, Joe Byrd Jr., filed a sealed motion on June 27, along with several sealed exhibits.

The government's response, filed on July 2, is not sealed and references Byrd's request that Cowart be transported to Madison County to have his tattoos altered. Cowart is being held in the Obion County Jail.

Pictures of Cowart show he has at least two large tattoos — a swastika on his right shoulder and an iron cross on the left side of his chest.…

The government's response asks that Cowart not be granted transport, arguing that giving Cowart special permission to undergo voluntary cosmetic surgery would cause several problems for the U.S. Marshals Service.

“The Marshals Service is wary of setting a precedent whereby they are obligated to devote substantial resources to transporting and escorting inmates between facilities for the purposes of voluntary cosmetic surgery,” the response says. “Besides,”" a Marshall Service representative said, “how often do you get a ringside seat to the Karmic wheel turning?”

Ah, Savage Love, You Never Fail to Entertain Me. Same Time Next Week?

2010-07-10T17:21:00.001-07:00

I am a married white guy in my 50s. My wife and I do some role-playing where I am “Ted,” her real-life father. In her script, I yell at my “bad daughter” (my wife) over some infraction and send her to her room. Later on, I sneak in and tell her that she could “make Daddy very happy” if we were to do some “secret, special things” together. I usually end up fingering her still-virginal butt while “forcing” her to suck my dick. Then I roll her over and rape the hell out of her.

Um, honey, I'm not judging — really, I'm not — but I think I'm going to need a re-write on this script. I like the ending; it's the journey I'm having trouble with.

That's What Happens when Cunning Linguists Drink

2010-07-10T16:29:00.000-07:00

A New York high school fired two female teachers who were found one recent evening allegedly drunk and at least partially naked in a classroom, officials said.

New York High School Superintendent Linda Waite's report of the Nov. 20 incident said James Madison High School French teacher Cindy Mauro, 34, and Spanish teacher Alini Brito, 30, were found in a classroom at 8:50 p.m. by maintenance workers, the New York Daily News reported Friday.

Waite said the workers reported seeing “a woman lying on the floor naked from the waist up” and a school safety officer summoned to the classroom said the women were “naked,” with one “on her knees” and one “lying on the floor.”

Waite said there were students in the building at the time of the incident, as the annual SING! competition was underway.

Mark Nussbaum, an attorney for Mauro and Brito, said the teachers have requested a formal hearing to contest the allegations. “Although my clients don't have qualms with most of the facts,” said Nussbaum, “neither is welling to admit to being over 30 at this time.”

To be fair, you would have to promise me nudity, alcohol, and possibly some on-knees action — if you know what I mean, and I think that you do — to get me within a mile of a high school SING! competition. I'm not saying these ladies didn't do something wrong, I'm just saying, I understand.

And what kind of maintenance workers reports naked, drunken teachers up to no-good?! I assumed when they saw something like that, they just said, “Beats the hell out of changing lightbulbs,” and then posted the video on YouTube. That my assumption was false saddens me a little.

I've been reluctant to add my voice to the cause before, but if this is standard behavior for high school support staff, I would like to add my craggy voice to the call for reform in post-secondary education. This cannot stand.

My Bike?! Where Is...Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

2010-07-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

It's great to watch two old friends give each other the “red ass.”

“Freedom, Horrible, Horrible Freedom”

2010-07-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

Escape-obsessed monkeys used springy tree branches to catapult themselves over a five-metre electric fence to freedom.

The Japan Times said the trees were a little over 1.8-metres high and about 1.8-3 metres from the high-voltage wire fence at Kyoto University's primate research centre.

Nevertheless, a dozen monkeys used them to leap over the barrier.

“Their jumping power was greater than we thought,” said Hirohisa Hirai, deputy head of the institute in Inuyama.

However, the monkeys seemed not to know what to do with their new-found liberty following Sunday's great escape.

Most of them were found hanging around the outside of the fence and at least five were lured back inside with peanuts.

If that isn't a metaphor for the current state of America, I don't know what is.

Hmm, I Believe I Might Be a BlueBal Corporation Credit Card Holder

2010-06-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

I'm basing that on the PowerPoint presentation, and the way it hurts when I sit down.

“Oh, Nein, He Di'n't”

2010-06-11T14:09:00.000-07:00

Sport Report - Soccer Debate - Marc Fisher & Mark Starr

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Fox News

This clip pairs some of the best things in the world: First, it brings together the rhythmic poetry of African American street slang with the clipped and guttural expectorations of German (what doesn't sound wonderful in the tongue of the Fatherland), and then, it weds Michael Jordan with the sweet human equivalent of pudding, Charles Barkley. If that didn't already fill it up with Win, it's got soccer to boot — so good.

Oh, and, get use to hearing “Oh, Nein, He Di'n't” because if I have any say in it — and I do (I've got that kind of juice) — it's going to be a thing.

A Sign Sex Tapes Have Jumped the Shark: Cloris Leachman Has One

2010-05-31T00:28:00.000-07:00

Add this to the list of things you thought you'd never say during sex:

“Oh, yeah, Grandma, don't stop! Your wrinkled hand feels so good on my schlong.”

The Stuff Wet Dreams Are Made of—if You're a Nerd, like I am

2010-05-30T23:24:00.000-07:00

The librarians at the University of Washington got bored with the usual librarian sexiness, so they upped the ante. As a result, I'm going to need some alone time.

I'll be back shortly.

The World Is Hardest on the Clumsy 'Ho's

2010-05-05T23:33:00.000-07:00

Whoreders from Brandon Johnson

Compulsive Whoreding is a mental disorder marked by an obsessive need to acquire and keep whores, even if the whores are worthless, hazardous, or unsanitary.

Captain P: I don't know why I keep all these bitches. Maybe, it's because I love, but I know now that some of these 'ho's have got to go.…

Dr. Michael Littlefield: I work with people who suffer from OCD, whoreding, and lots of stuff.

Frequently, compulsive whoredoms will make excuses for why certain whores should not be discarded.

Dr. Littlefield: How did she hurt her eye, Captain?

Capt. P: She ran into a door.

Dr. Littlefield: You have to get rid of the clumsy whores. I'm sorry.

Capt. P: You gotta' leave, Li'l' Bruises. You gotta' go.

Finally, a reality show I can get behind.

I'll Remember to Gas Up the Buick, if You'll Remember to Lube Up the Butt Plug. Deal? - Walter

2010-04-29T15:10:00.000-07:00

The people at Huffington Post found this shopping list “unconventional.” Maybe it is for most of the country, but for Seattle, it's ho-hum, pretty much standard supplies for a Moist Town pantry.

In fact, the only thing shocking about it is that the writer is planning on fueling up for a night of passion and bondage with Hamburger Helper.

Really, Seattle lady? Well, slap the ball-gag on Walter early if you don't want to get an ear-ful about that.

Shake Weight – The DVD

2010-04-23T19:40:00.001-07:00

Testimonial #1: “This DVD is great for anyone who likes to watch women get all porno with a gym weight.”

Testimonial #2: “I like that forward-lunge reach-back position. She looks like she's about to run a marathon, but, first, she's got to help a guy out.”

The faux-mercials and shorts are really the only reason to watch SNL anymore.

Dear Japan, I Love You, Too. Yours, Biff

2010-04-19T18:43:00.000-07:00

Ah, Japan, just when I thought I couldn't love you more, you put two tastes together into one delicious entertainment confection, strippers and zombies, and then, you kicked the flavor up a notch with a Bam!-load of camp.

As the kids say, “I heart you.”" (Oh, they're saying it.)

…Oh, Sure, Paris Is Beautiful and Rich with History, but Can You Get a Little Man-on-Mouse Action while There? Point, Washington State.”

2010-04-18T12:42:00.000-07:00

A Whatcom County man's friendship and aggressive support for a man convicted in the infamous Enumclaw horse-sex case led to his arrest this week for allegedly operating a bestiality farm just south of the Canadian border, federal prosecutors said Friday.

Douglas Spink, 39, a one-time dot.com millionaire, convicted drug smuggler and horse trainer, was quietly living on rural property south of Sumas when he connected with James Tait, who was in a Tennessee jail on a bestiality charge.

Tait had earlier been convicted of trespassing in 2005 in the Enumclaw case, in which a Gig Harbor man died after having sex with a horse.

The two men's communications set in motion an investigation that resulted in Spink's arrest Wednesday at the Sumas farm for suspicion of violating his federal probation for drug smuggling. Federal prosecutors and Whatcom County sheriff's officials say Spink also allowed people to come to the farm and have sex with animals.

He was "promoting tourism of this nature for bestiality," Whatcom County Sheriff Bill Elfo said Friday.…

On Wednesday, authorities took several animals, including horses and large-breed dogs, found on Spink's property into protective custody, Elfo said. Several mice were euthanized, he added. "At this point, we don't know how many people visited this location or how many engaged in illegal conduct," the sheriff said. "We'll see as the federal investigation unfolds."

The property, Exitpoint Stallions, is reportedly owned by Spink's mother.…

"These are just allegations," Spink's attorney, Howard Phillips, said after the hearing. "My client said he has not been engaging in bestiality at all."

Reporting on a Washingtonian for bestiality or anything related to it amounts to reporting a dog-bites-man story. Well, it's more like a dog-bites-man-and-man-gets-a-throbbing-erection story, but why quibble over that when there are more important things to quibble over—namely, the reporting of the matter of the mice.

Ms. Sullivan, Jennifer, if I may, I don't mean to tell you how to do your job. I'm sure you went to one of the finest schools of journalism in the nation. Upon graduation, you, no doubt, honed your investigative and writing skills working on the staffs of the most reputable newspapers in the country. Kudos for your hard work and accomplishments; but, with all due respect to your education and training, you dropped the ball on this one.

How so? Well, I don't know if they dropped the ball at j-school or if your editors didn't mentioned it when you were a cub reporter just learning your beat, but when you're reporting on bestiality and you're told by the police that they had to euthanized several mice, you don't just leave that comment hanging. You, my friend, have follow-up questions to ask.

For future reference, you can start with these:

“Did you say, ‘Mice?’”

“You know they're such a lesser species that scientist regularly subject them to otherwise intolerable abuses in the name of progress, right?”

“So, knowing what little regard we have for rodents in general and knowing what little consciousness is available to them, what, possibly, could Mr. Spinks and his Johns have been doing that could traumatize a mouse so much that you would have to put it down?”

“This doesn't involve a hollow, wooden dowel, a vat of lube, and Richard Gere, does it, because that guy…?”

Whatever it was, dude, that must have been some fucked up shit right there, and the public has the right to know the gory details (and by “the public,” I mean “I do.”).

It's 11:30 p.m., April 15. Time to Stick It to the Man One Mo' Time, I Mean, Do My Taxes

2010-04-15T23:58:00.000-07:00

To everyone else up at this hour doing his taxes, cheers!

Death and Taxes: Neither accomplished this year. (I've got until midnight on at least one of them.)

2010-04-15T18:14:00.000-07:00

Rosa Parks? Dead.

This guy? He's got the indomitable will of a cockroach.

Run into the light, fucker. You've already stayed too long at the fair.

If Aretha Franklin dies before he does, I'll never believe in any sense of justice ever again.

“This Is Where Pies Go to Die”

2010-04-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

Man from Another Place: Where we're from the birds sing a pretty song, and there's always music in the air.

When I moved to Seattle, the first road trip I took was to all the locations used by David Lynch to make Twin Peaks. I've hiked down to falls, eaten at the Double R Diner (“Damn fine coffee—and hot!”), slept in the Great Northern Hotel, got lost out in the woods, looking for Glastonbury Grove, and had a drink at the Road house. I couldn't help myself. Even when it was losing steam in the second season, I was (and still am) the biggest fan of that show.

Tonight marks the anniversary of the premiere of Twin Peaks. I'm going to pop in the DVD, drink some bourbon, and do the Man from Another Place dance. Excuse me, won't you?

“Was That Wrong?” He Didn't Ask. “Because if Someone Had Told Me that Was Wrong, I Wouldn't Have Done It”

2010-04-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

“The proclamation issued by this Office designating April as Confederate History Month contained a major omission. It failed to include a specific date for when the South will rise again and smite the New England hypocrites, the milquetoast Midwesterners, and the effete, Left Coast, PC thugs that have oppressed us lo these many years.

“That date is 12 April 2015. Mark your calendars.

“Apparently, there was a minor omission in the proclamation, as well—the failure to include any reference to slavery. That was a mistake (more like a slip, really when you think about, not really a big deal), and for that, I apologize to any Virginian-Americans—if you know who I mean and I think that you do— who may have been offended or disappointed.

“(When I say ‘disappointed,’ I'm only referring to Sheila Johnson, my black supporter. Hey, girl. Shout out. No one else can really make that claim, that they are disappointed. I mean, belittling slavery? ‘Duh,’ right? But I digress.)

“The abomination of slavery divided our nation, deprived people of their God-given inalienable rights, and led to the Civil War. Slavery was an evil, vicious and inhumane practice which degraded human beings to property. It has left a stain on the soul of this state and nation, and, my hand to God, it totally slipped my mind when I was writing the proclamation. Hey, black folks and race-betraying Virginians, my bad.

“In 2007, the Virginia General Assembly approved a formal statement of ‘profound regret’ for the Commonwealth’s history of slavery, which was the right thing to do, because it was the kind of empty-handed gesture legislators love and the Virginia General Assembly excels at—all talk and no statutes or state action. God bless 'em.

“I, myself, just don't see race, partly, because of my hiring practices and, partly, because of my constitutional right to associate with persons of my choosing. And I exercise that right and only frequent places where a man can enjoy the company of like-minded and similarly hued others—golf clubs, churches, Sandra Bullock's vagina—bastions of racial exclusivity where a person of no color can be alone with his thoughts. So, if I'm occasionally insensitive to the feelings of roughly 20% of you, you'll have to forgive me.

“It's not that I don't know better. It's simply that I don't care.

“Thank you for giving me this opportunity to clarify my remarks. God bless you, and God bless most of the citizens of Virginia”

Because I Do Find Her Sexy

2010-03-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

She Gotta Bump - watch more funny videos

To all you pregnant ladies I direct this rhyme
Whethereight-month preggers or just got the blue line.

You got hormonal imbalance, feeling fat and gassy too
But there's one man here who wants to get with you, see.

Don't want no flat stomachs or hour-glass figures
Want to get with a woman who's preparing to deliver

See, I'm a man obsessed with givin' the loving'
But only to women with a bun in the oven.

Your belly's looking fine, and the extra weight, nice
I wish that I could make you pregnant twice.…

Your body so beautiful, makes me wanna grind
With your milk-producing breasts and expanding behind.

You think its awkward, but we'll make it our mission
To get our freak on in some brand-new positions.

With the woman on top and the side-by-side,
You could even flip it around for a cowgirl ride.

I'll be real gentle and there'll be no rushin'
To make sure we avoid a fetal concussion.

Ohhhhhh-oh, don't wanna' bruise your baby's head.
Don't wanna' punch your cranium, don't wanna' get it in the head.

She gotta' bump.

Man, there's a lot of baby talk around this blog lately. My biological clock must be ticking.

As a Friend Once Said to Me as He Explained Why His Children Were so Well-Behaved: “Biff, Even the Simplest Organism Understands Pain”

2010-03-31T18:18:00.000-07:00

What a great book! It's from the Baby Be of Use series, and what can I say about that other than “Well played, my friends,” because I can't think of a better use for a baby than as a bartender. (That's way better than doorstop.)

I know, I know. I hear you: “Biff, babies get a little heavy-handed with the Vermouth.” That's true, but if the research of B.F. Skinner has taught me anything, it's that when it comes to babies, perfect Martinis are just a few well-timed tasings away. (It's called tough love, people, and it didn't harm me none.)

When I think about how useful babies could have been to me, I regret having never been a father.

And You Made the Baby Jesus Cry

2010-03-30T19:12:00.000-07:00

David B. Stone Sr. and his wife, Tina, made no secret about the fact that they were part of a militia, neighbors say.…

“In Michigan, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal to be in a militia,” said Tom McDormett, a neighbor.

Tom, seriously, you're going to play the All God's Chilluns Gots Militia card? Seriously?

Hold that thought while I go to the indictment.

In an indictment against the nine unsealed on Monday, the Justice Department said they were part of a group of apocalyptic Christian militants who were plotting to kill law enforcement officers in hopes of inciting an antigovernment uprising, the latest in a recent surge in right-wing militia activity.

The court filing said the group, which called itself the Hutaree, planned to kill an unidentified law enforcement officer and then bomb the funeral caravan using improvised explosive devices based on designs used against American troops by insurgents in Iraq.

Is it a big deal now, Tom, or is everyone in Michigan locking-and-loading and chomping at the bit to get his Armageddon on?

If that's the case, let me point this part out to you:

The Hutaree Web site features the motto “Preparing for the end time battles to keep the testimony of Jesus Christ alive” and a video showing rifle-toting men in camouflage running through woods and firing weapons.

“Jesus wanted us to be ready to defend ourselves using the sword and stay alive using equipment,” the Web site says, adding, “The Hutaree will one day see its enemy and meet him on the battlefield if so God wills it.”

From your arrest and imprisonment, I'm guessing He doesn't. Based on how things turned out, I'm guessing your bat shit crazy talk scared Him into dropping a dime on you.

(By the way, if you're starting a pool on which strategy will be deployed first in their legal defense, put down $10 for me on Play the Race Card. I'm good for it.

“Penis Kisses” Is the New “Peace Out”

2010-03-12T19:07:00.000-08:00

Sin-thia: Oh, hi.

Been a while since anybody's given a high five to your vagina? Do you want to feel, deep, sensual intimacy with someone other than your cat? (No offense, Sprinkles.)

Is your cervix covered in moss, guarded by a tiny, mean-spirited leprechaun?

Hi, I'm Sin-thia, and I'm a professional dating professional. And I'm here to help you.

I guarantee that if you follow my dating tips that within the first week, you'll have a steamy night of S-E-X-Y. Come on. Trust me.

After that, how could I not? I don't have a vagina, but if you're willing to work with me, I'm willing to learn.

Penis kisses!

Nope, Still Looking at Your Chest, Ms. Cotillard, but Nice Try

2010-03-12T00:32:00.000-08:00

Forehead Tittaes w/ Marion Cotillard from Marion Cotillard

In America, anything is possible. It is the land of opportunity, a place where dreams come true.

But women in America must still deal with sexual objectification wherever they go—especially in the workplace.

French women have known for centuries that to earn a man's respect, you must make him look you in the eyes.

Introducing Forehead Tittaes® by Janae, France's best-kept secret.

Lab test prove that Forehead Tittaes® actually redirect the male gaze from the chest to the general area of the brain.

Forehead Tittaes'® sleek, elegant designs earns their respect without sacrificing your femininity. Forehead Tittaes® are safe, reusable, and easily applied.…

Forehead Tittaes®: Make them almost look you in the eyes.

Announcing the opening of the first Tittaes® bar in three, two, …

For the LawGuy

2010-03-03T01:11:00.000-08:00

I need to make a comeback.
I ain't worked in years.
The good times are over.
Someone call Norman Lear.

I made my rounds in the Hollywood circles.
But now I'm getting dissed by Urkel.

Unemployment is overpowering.
Maybe, Mickie Ds is hiring.
At this point, I would beg or steal.
For some of Thelma's oatmeal.…

So why does Mama always scream and shout?
J.J., get your ass out!
Mama gon' kick me out!
Mama gon' scream and shout!
Gonna' smack me all about.
Mama gon' kick me out.

I think he and I were the only ones that ever thought this was funny.

Of course, Baby Got Snacks remains my favorite.

I'm tired of magazines saying you always gotta' be lean.
You want to put a big girl in a real good mood,
She gotta' have some food.

When Did Ass Fucking Become Gay? Oh, Competitive Ass Fucking. Thanks for Clearing that Up

2010-02-26T19:01:00.000-08:00

Bryan Safi: Is Johnny Weir too gay for figure skating? Wait. Is that even possible.…

Figure skating is the gayest sport of all time. In fact, let's take a look at where it falls on our official sports sexuality spectrum. On the hetero- extreme, there's football, then hockey, then baseball, then tennis, croquet, wrestling, ascot-tying, scented candle-making, competitive ass fucking, figure skating.

The sport is gay. Deal with it.

Honest to god, if it weren't for Johnny Weir, I wouldn't have watched a minute of Olympic figure skating, but after I saw Johnny wearing that outfit with the merry window corset, epaulets, and tassel for his short program , looking very much like Frankenfurter on ice, two thoughts went through my mind: one, why can't tomorrow be Halloween? and, two, I am never changing this channel.

So he didn't medal in figure skating. Big Deal. Injustices like that can happen when you leave the outcome of sporting events to judges. There's nothing I can do to rectify that, but I can try to alleviate the sting of the loss.

To that end, starting today, Johnny Weir is the Truth*'s Man of the Week.

Just let me know where to send the trophy, Johnny.

Yeah, I Know. I'm Getting Help.

2010-02-24T00:00:00.000-08:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Ricky Gervais

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

Ricky Gervais: If we were in prison, … If you had to choose—toss a coin— would you rather be mommy or daddy?

Jon Stewart: In modern times, mommy still has to work and also do the duties. I think, daddy, because there's moments where I could say I need to be by myself.

Ricky Gervais: Okay. Then, come over here and suck mommy's cock.

Yikes. That just brought back some painful moments from my childhood, as did seeing Jon spitting, not swallowing.

* Thanks Jezebel for the entry.

I'm on a Horse, Too, with Two Tickets to that Thing You Like

2010-02-17T18:46:00.000-08:00

Wow. That guy is the greatest pitchman since, well, this guy:

Happy Valentines Day!

2010-02-14T03:02:00.000-08:00

Bret: If you want me to,
I will take off all my clothes for you.
I'll take off all my clothes for you
If that's what you are into.

Jermaine: How 'bout him
In the nude
If that's what
You're into?
In the nude in front of you:
Is that what you'd want to do?

If it's cool with you,
I'll let you get naked, too.
It could be a dream come true
Providing that's what you are into.

Is that what you're into:
Him and you in the nude?
That's what he's prepared to do.
Is that the kind of the thing that you think you might be into?

And then maybe later,
We'll get hot by the refrigerator.
In the kitchen next to the pantry,
You think that might be what you fancy?

In the buff,
Being rude, doing stuff with the food.
Getting lewd
With his food:
We heard that's what
You are into.

And then on our next date,
Well, you could bring your roommate.
I don't know if Stu is keen to,
But if you want
We could double team you.

How 'bout you
And two dudes —
Him, you, and Stu in the nude—
Being lewd with two dudes and food?
Well, that's if Stu's into it, too.

All the things I'd do,
Things I'd do for you,
If I only knew
That's what you're into.

It was the most romantic song I could find.

Nobody Puts Aretha in the Corner of the Car

2010-02-12T18:37:00.000-08:00

You know I loves me some Aretha Franklin, so it should come as no surprise that I'm jealous of the actor in this commercial, because it would be a highlight of my life to catch a backhand from the Queen of Soul.

Oh, man, how sweet would it be to be on a road trip with Aretha Franklin? That's now playing on a loop on my daydream video player—me and the Queen driving around the country solving crimes. No, wait: that's too industrious. Me and the QoS driving around the country, going from town to town, eating Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. That's the ticket. Awesome.