“Turn On the Cameras. Let's Start the Freak Show”

Whenever I hear Pour Some Sugar on Me, I feel compelled to strip. This isn't an issue that comes up often. I've been a high-functioning pervert—stripper clean and thong free since '93, when the song all but disappeared from the airwaves. Still, to this day, whenever I hear it, my clothes become encumbrances, and I become a burning hunk of churning funk, a writhing, grinding danger to my employment opportunities and relationships.

I don't know why that is. Maybe, I wasn't hugged enough as a child. Maybe, I was hugged too much. Maybe, I have unresolved Daddy issues. And, maybe, I just like dropping my ass like it's hot onto a stage covered in sweaty dollars to the delight of strangers. Thinking about it just makes my head hurt.

You probably don't understand where I'm coming from. That's okay. Conan does.

Whew, is it me, or is it hot in here?