Sassin’ Your Mother when She's Trying to Bathe Your Narrow Ass? Oh, You'd Better Believe that's a Tasin’

A police officer who used a stun gun on an unruly 10-year-old girl after he said her mother gave him permission has been suspended—not for using the Taser but for not having a video camera attached when he used it.

Mayor Vernon McDaniel said officer Dustin Bradshaw was suspended Wednesday for seven days with pay. McDaniel said the suspension is for not following department procedures because he didn't have the camera on.

McDaniel wants Arkansas State Police or the FBI to look into whether the use of the Taser was proper. The girl, who hasn't been identified, wasn't injured and is now at the Western Arkansas Youth Shelter in Cecil.

Police were called to the home Nov. 11 after the girl's mother couldn't get her to take a shower.

Bradshaw's report says the girl was “violently kicking and verbally combative” when Bradshaw tried to take her into custody, and she kicked him in the groin. He said he delivered “a very brief drive stun to her back.”

“Her mother told me to tase her if I needed to,” Bradshaw wrote. “Needless to say, after she kicked me in the jimmies, I needed to Tase her.”

Attempts to reach the child at the Western Arkansas Youth Shelter were unsuccessful. According to the director of children services, Gladys Gates, the child was still in the shower.

“She pretty much lives in there. She goes in when she wakes up, and stays in there until we turn the water off at night.

“She gets out of the shower, puts on her little gown, and rocks herself to sleep, whispering what I thought at first was a lullaby. I now know it's just her talking to herself. ‘Unclean. Unclean. Can't get the Tasing off,’ is all she says until sleep takes her away.

“The poor, li'l thing: that'll learn her.”

It's called “Tough Love,” people, and if more of you would practice it, the world would be a much better place for me to be in, because I wouldn't have to share space with your bad-ass kids. The only problem I have with this story is that it doesn't end with the cop getting a medal.

Now, that's a crime.

“I Know How the Gates Got Pearly”

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* I believe that's a Maya Angelou poem.

“Thank You, Oprah. I Agree. It Is the Greatest Book You've Ever Read.”

Posting has been light, as you've probably noticed (or, more likely, didn't). It's National Novel Writing Month, and I've been distracted, spending way too much time on my roman à clef of a young boy coming of age in the 70s, struggling to understand what it means to be a man in the new age of women's liberation, black militancy, and “passing” in post-Civil Rights Movement America.

To explain the plot further at this point would be difficult, but if you can imagine a story that marries Shaft and Sounder, you're half-way there. It's tentatively entitled Please Don't Dunk This Oreo.

And, yeah, it's practically writing itself, page after page after page. It almost feels like I'm cheating. I mean, at this rate, I might write two novels, this one and its sequel, What Part of ‘Please Don't Dunk the Oreo’ Didn't You Get?

So until I'm back to blogging in full force, I hope stuff like this video of snowboarding gone wrong will tide you over.

I'll Have What He's Having

Tinky Winky, the teen years

What I'm Watching: Patrick Duffy and the Crab

Patrick: So what, Meredith had to choose between that one guy and Dr. McHottie? …

The Crab: [exasperated] Yes! It's ridiculous. She could've had them both at the same time, you know, had a little ménage action going.

Patrick: When have you ever been with two women?

The Crab: Nineteen ninety-four. First-season wrap party for a little show I like to call Friends, me, Courtney, and the wardrobe girl.

Patrick: You're telling me you had a threesome with Courtney Cox…

The Crab: Uh huh.

Patrick: …and the wardrobe girl.

The Crab: And her name was Bettina. Jealous?

Patrick: No. More “surprised.”

The Crab: Look, Patrick, I know you're into this whole marriage thing, but you've got to loosen up, man. It's The Aughties.

Patrick: Not everyone is interested in that.

The Crab: Are you telling me that if you were single and I showed up at your door with Courtney Cox, you wouldn't jump on board, make a little Courtney sandwich?

Patrick: No, I don't think so.

The Crab: You don't find her attractive?

Patrick: No, she's very pretty.

The Crab: [pause for realization] Oh. I see.

Patrick: It would be a little awkward, yes.

The Crab: Wow.

Patrick: I'm not trying to hurt your feelings.

The Crab: You're repelled by me.


In Patrick's defense, not everyone is into a Devil's Three-way. A certain level of awkwardness is inherent, which is why one is never proposed, only fallen into.

Anyway, that exchange, alone, would have been enough to make Patrick Duffy & The Crab my favorite web series, but then, in the American Idol episode The Crab gave one of my favorite line readings ever when he discussed the Idol age limit, and that sealed it.





They're all worth a few minutes, so watch them when you get a chance.

You're welcome.

Three Dudes Shaking Their Weights. That's Got to Be More Awkward than Satisfying

If there were any benefits to this workout, I would have been the most ripped thirteen-year-old in the history of masturbation humankind, because I was doing that exercise a lot back then—a lot—much more than the stated “six minutes a day.”

Had I been able to limit myself to six minutes a day, who knows what would have been possible for me? Any suggestion would be speculative, but I would have certainly had the time to unlock the mysteries of cold fusion, isolate the weakness of the common cold, count the licks to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. It's hard to imagine what accomplishments would have been out of my reach had I reached for my Shake Weight only six minutes per day.

Science is the poorer.

The Ghost of Michael Jackson Is a Vengeful Ghost. He Will Teach You to Desecrate His Memory with Punk-Ass Moves. Smite Him, Michael. Smite Him Hard

Thank you.

Putting the Black in Blaxploitation since 1971

You know how I've been waiting months to see this movie? Well, it's playing in select cities. Guess which city was selected?

I'm going to see it after work. Jealous?

Don't worry. I'll bring you back a tee shirt.

Oddly, Their Usual Tagline Is “The Magic Is in the Hole”

Voodoo Doughnut owner Tres Shannon doesn’t understand why Bitch magazine declined from running his store’s new clothing ad in their publication. According to him, the only thing that might be controversial about the ad is the fact that the woman, whose underpants-clad privates are being depicted in the ad, is unshaven. “It’s just pubic hair,” says Shannon. “I thought Bitch would be happy the woman isn’t plucked and shaved, but all natural like a real woman.”


But is that the way to go when you want to sell doughnuts? I'm not sure it is. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's the opposite of what you should be going for. No one says the best part of the doughnut is the coif—and for good reason, which you're, obviously, forgetting. Bitch did you a favor by refusing that ad.

It wouldn't have worked on anyone, but me, and as badly as I want a doughnut right now, you would never have been able to recoup the cost of the ad with me alone, and I could eat a lot of doughnuts right now.

I Feel You, Little, Plastic Guy. On Any Given Day, That's What Life Is Like for Me, Too

Now, for your amusement, street art. It's even more amusing to me because I have good friends in Winston-Salem, NC and Washington DC, two of the featured cities.

I'm not saying they had anything to do with this. I'm just saying you're not fooling me with that blue sleeping bag, Law Guy. We've been camping together too many times for me to fall for that. (Plus, isn't that just around the block from your office?)

Vulvas of Color Representing, Yo! Hollar!

Celebrate your own beauty.

Each piece is an original, one of a kind hand sculpted image of its owner to remind her that regardless of what the world and the people in it may tell her: she is beautiful.

After purchasing you can e-mail 2-3 photos of your Yoni to: VulvaLoveLovely. Please include chain choice: Antique copper or gunmetal (shown in the final photo) in the 'message to seller' section at checkout.

The pendant on this necklace will measure about 1.6" x 1" and will be hung on a 17.5" chain. Each pendant will be coated in a protective satin glaze.

If you are not comfortable sending pictures you also have to option of sending me a description of your Yoni.

In your description please include:

• The shape of your inner and outer labia


• colors


• how much or how little your inner labia extend out from your outer labia


• how well hidden your clitoris is, is it heavily hooded or can you see it fairly easily?

*If no photo or description is sent you will receive one of our beautiful flesh-toned Vulva pendants*


I'm sure if I thought about it, I'd be able to figure out why this strikes me as wrong—so very wrong—but I don't want to think about. I just want to let the wonder of it all flow over me.

Let's hope nothing untoward gets trapped in my gaping maw.

P.S. Hmm, Christmas is just around the bend. Hey, FM, if you want one of these for Yuletide 2009 (or even your birthday), you'd better get those pictures in the mail tout de suite.