Sláinte!

LeeSee mentioned that she enjoyed a Monster® Energy drink every morning, which made me recall a beverage I'd enjoyed at a bar during the Monster® promotional days. Back then, they were trying to get bartenders to come up with cocktails that used their product—like Red Bull® had done so successfully— and as these things go, their efforts had mixed results. I recall the drink I had for one reason:

• one half can(s) Monster Energy Drink


• 1 oz Tanqueray No 10 Gin


• 1.25 oz Orange Curacao


• 1.50 oz Sweet and Sour Mix

It had a catchy name: Monster Under the Bed Masturbating Watching a 10-Year Old Sleep.

The Monster® people found it too hard to order, too wordy or some other reason beyond my comprehension, because they haven't promoted it much. It boggles the mind: who doesn't enjoy a refreshing, gin-based libation.

Anyway, the next time I order one, I'll think of LeeSee.

My Favorite is No. 1703. (That Cat Has Got Mad Skilz, as the Kids say)

Just a reminder that the world is full of goofballs (and that I really need to go to Rio).

Seriously, how can a world populated with these people be such a fucked up place? Oh, wait…

Here It is, Your Moment of Post-Racial Tranquility

Note to Republicans: Racist “humor,” the Internet, and political ambitions don’t mix. Audra Shay, vice chairman of the Young Republicans and the leading candidate to be elected its chairman on Saturday, is now the latest in a growing list of GOP officials learning this lesson the hard way, based on pictures of a now-deleted Facebook page obtained by The Daily Beast.

On Wednesday, Shay—a 38-year-old Army veteran, mother, and event planner from Louisiana who has been endorsed by her governor, Bobby Jindal—was holding court on her Facebook page, initiating a political conversation by posting that “WalMart just signed a death warrant” by “endorsing Obama’s healthcare plan.” At 1:52, a friend named listed as Eric S. Piker, but whose personal page says his actual name is Eric Pike, wrote “It’s the government making us commies… can’t even smoke in my damn car… whats next they going to issue toilet paper once a month… tell us how to wipe our asses…”

Two minutes later, Piker posted again saying “Obama Bin Lauden [sic] is the new terrorist… Muslim is on there side [sic]… need to take this country back from all of these mad coons… and illegals.…

Eight minutes after that, at 2:02, Shay weighed in on Piker’s comments: “You tell em Eric! lol.”


First, “38-years-old?” Really? How long do you get to be a Young Republican? Until you get your AARP card? Next thing you're going to tell me is Cheney's a member of the Hitler Youth.

Second, “mad coons?” I hate to get all politically correct on your ass, Pike, but we prefer Coons of Fury. It's 2009; move forward with the nation, simpleton.

In Lieu of Flowers, the Family Asks that Well-Wishers Simply Bad Touch the Child Closest to Them

So finally we have something firm on Michael Jackson.

On Tuesday morning a motorcade will go from Forest Lawn Mortuary in L.A. to the Staples Center complex in downtown Los Angeles where the public memorial will be held.

We're told the family still hasn't decided whether the memorial will be at the Staples Center or the smaller Nokia Theatre. A decision on that is expected shortly.


Am I the only one hoping the pallbearers moonwalk the casket into the grave? Really? Just Me? Okay.

I May Be Related to Leon Wilkes

Text Messages Sent Between Harriet Tubman, a.k.a. Moses, and Leon Wilkes, a Running-Away Slave
by Ashley Sharpe

LW: where r U?
HT: u hav 2 b able 2 keep up no matter what 4 this 2 work.
LW: stubbed my toe. tried to tell u to w8.
HT: smh.
LW: it is severe. :’-(

LW: r we free yet?
HT: not yet.

LW: i think i need 2 go back.
HT: ain’t no going back. rmbr wut i told u?
LW: but i need 2 go back. think i 4got my wallet. :-(
HT: if u try 2 go back, I hav bullet wit ur name on it.
LW: if they catch me will be castr8ed. prefer ur bullet.
HT: dont give up now. thnk about ur freedom.
LW: ur right. when im free 1st thing i want is educ8ion and unencumbered opportunity for meritocratic advancement, free from the yoke of racial prejudice and discrimin8ion.
HT: no.
LW: k. then i settle 4 my unborn kids 2 hav that.
HT: no.
LW: then i take a chzbrgr n french fries.
HT: i know a place.
LW: k.

LW: how much longer til we get 2 the st8ion?
HT: st8ion????
LW: the train st8ion.
HT: we Rn’t going 2 no train st8ion!
LW: but u said we’d take the underground railrd.
HT: ur feet r the train, the ground is the railrd. lol. jk. ;-)
LW: lol. so there IS a train. :-D
HT: no. we r runnin.
LW: but my stubbed toe? plus I left my sneakers.
HT: what size?
LW: 9.
HT: i have xtra pair in my gym bag.
LW: do they have added insole support? I tend 2 overpron8.
HT: yes.
LW: k.

LW: Harriet, r we free yet?
HT: no. pls stop asking.


Imagine Leon asking Harriet if they can stop for a bathroom break at the pause in every conversation and you'll have a pretty good idea of what's it's like to travel with me and a near perfect explanation of why the Loman family home is in North Carolina, not Canada.

Rest in Peace, Billy Mays. You Will Be Missed (especially after this)

America,

Do you like the taste of sopping wet nethers? Of course, you do, but who has the time?

You've tried juicing. You've tried milking. You've tried sucking and licking, but no matter what you try, you still can't get enough juice to slake your thirst.

And what do you do with all that leftover woman? Cuddle? No, thank you.

How many times have you felt the seismic tremors, dropped your love derrick into the seam—expecting a gusher, finding only a seep—and come away thirsty? How many times, sitting there afterwards, engaged in small talk with the detritus, your face glistening like a glazed doughnut, have you thought, “There must be a better way?”

Well, now, there is. Introducing TWAT:

Twenty-two yummy ounces of all the stuff you love and none of the one hundred-plus pounds of the stuff you don't. TWAT gives you all of the flavor and none of the mess.

There are no awkward conversations, no half-ass excuses about early morning meetings, no money left on the dresser. Just pop the easy-opening top, drink your fill, and toss the can into the recycling bin. It's that easy.

The only walk of shame in your future is the walk of shame you'll have carrying three cases of TWAT from the 7-11 to your apartment in your parents' basement.

And for those of you with a taste for the man goo, don't think we've left you out. Order now, and for absolutely no additional costs, we will throw in a banana. You're welcome.

Thankfully, We Don't Have Hardees in These Parts

Biscuit-cles? Really, Hardees?

Okay, I'll have an order. But that sauce had better be good.

I'm Going to Need Some Bacon Grease, Some Kleenex®, and a Little Time Alone

The other day the guys from BaconToday.com contacted me in search for some barbecue bacon recipes. Of course I have plenty of great uses for bacon in a barbecue pit, but the longer I thought about it, the more I wanted to step it up a notch and clog a few arteries for those guys. Behold, BACON EXPLOSION!!!

To kick off the construction of this pork medley you’ll need to create a 5×5 bacon weave.… The next step is to add some barbecue seasoning on top of your bacon weave. Being the barbeque addict that I am, I whipped up a batch of Burnt Finger BBQ’s competition pork rub for this special occasion.… Now that you’re pork is well seasoned, it’s time to add more pork. Take two pounds of Italian sausage and layer it directly on top of your bacon weave.…

Next up is bacon layer number two. Take the remaining bacon slices and fry them up the same way you would for breakfast (or lunch, or dinner, or a midnight snack). If you like soft bacon, make it soft. If you like crunchy bacon, make it crunchy. If you like your bacon burnt to hell so the smoke detectors go off, then burn it to hell so the smoke detectors go off. These pieces are going to be a major part of the inner flavor of our sausage fatty, so cook them your favorite way.…

Since this is a barbeque recipe, we need to add another layer of barbeque flavor. Take your favorite sauce and drizzle it all over the top of the bacon pieces.… Now comes the fun part. Very carefully separate the front edge of the sausage layer from the bacon weave and begin rolling backwards. You want to include all layers EXCEPT the bacon weave in your roll. Try and keep the sausage as tight as possible and be sure to release any air pockets that may have formed.… To complete the construction process, roll the sausage forward completely wrapping it in the bacon weave. Make sure it sits with the seam facing downward to help keep it all sealed up.…

Slice the Bacon Explosion into quarter to half inch rounds to serve. If your roll was good and tight, you should now see a nice bacon pinwheel pattern throughout the sausage. Obviously pork is best served by itself, but if you feel the need to make this meat monster into a sandwich, try placing a couple Bacon Explosion slices on a warm Pillsbury’s Grands Biscuit. You’ll reach pork Nirvana in no time flat!


Holy crap! That may just be the fisting of food porn.

I Don't Think that Ad Is Working

It's a new print ad in Absolut's banal (and sometimes baldly opportunistic) “In An Absolut World” campaign, this one for their lemon-flavored Citron vodka. Well, I'm going to bring it up here because you can bet your last bottle of precious hooch it was brought up at their ad agency TBWA\Chiat\Day:

IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING VAGINA

“Sir, the obstetrician says the vodka is crowning now, so your martini should be right up.”

“Great. I've been waiting nine months for this.”

“So, which will it be? Twist? Olive? …

“Placenta.”

“Placenta. Excellent choice. Coming right up.”

Do I Spit or Swallow? It's Burger King, Jackass. Who Doesn't Spit BK Out?

Fill your desire for something long, juicy and flame-grilled with the NEW BK SUPER SEVEN INCHER. Yearn for more after you taste the mind-blowing burger that comes with a single beef patty, topped with American cheese, crispy onions and the A-1® Thick and Hearty Steak Sauce.



Hell, you put crispy onions and mayonnaise on anything, and I'll blow it—for $6.25.

That's right: You have to pay me $6.25. I'm a whore, not a slut. (Why? What Have You Heard?)

Ultimate Soft Bum: I'll be the Judge of That

Loo roll makers, Andrex, are launching shea butter infused knickers for the ultimate soft butt. They'll be working with Liz McClarnon to launch the collection of silk undies that have a fabric panel on the back that's impregnated with derriere softening shea. The good news is that the knickers cost £10 from 6th June at www.andrexsheabutter.com - a tenner is more than reasonable for designer silkies and even better, £5 from each purchase goes to the cancer support charity, Look Good…Feel Better.


You wouldn't think that a marketing campaign that ties skid marked-tinted panties and toilet paper together would be successful, which is why no one asks you anything anymore. As is so often the case these days, you couldn't be more wrong. What do I mean? Well, let's just say that, if my confirmation e-mail is to be believed, in 3-5 business, I'll have enough knickers to last me a fortnight.

I mean, it's impregnated with derriere-softening shea. SHEA, people! Nothing has held this much promise since Jockey and Johnson&Johnson teamed up to produce those briefs that gave your ass hair a perm. My love cushion was suppose to look like two, conked-out Cab Calloways. Sadly, no “heidy, heidy, heidy, ho!” was ever had in my back forty. That was then. This time… I mean, when has Shea butter ever let anyone down?

Loving Post-Racial America, although I Have to Confess It Looks Oddly Familiar

Newscoma posted details of a racist email sent from Sherri Goforth, legislative aid for Sen. Diane Black (R-Gallatin). The email depicts the Presidents of the United States with President Barack Obama as a pair of eyes in a black background.

I spoke with Sherri Goforth minutes ago to confirm she sent this email. She confirmed she had sent it and also said she had received a letter of reprimand from her superiors but said she will stay on the job.

When I asked her if she understood the controversial nature of the photo, Goforth would only say she felt very bad about accidentally sending it to the wrong list. When I gave her a second chance to address the controversial nature of the email, she again repeated that she only felt bad about sending it to the wrong list of people.

“I went on the wrong email and I inadvertently hit the wrong button,” Goforth told NIT. “I’m very sick about it, and it’s one of those things I can’t change or take back.”


Yes, because sending it to the wrong e-mail list is the real offense, here.

Apropos of nothing, how's that African American membership drive going, Republican Party?

“Aphrodite Kallipygos (of the beautiful buttock) lifting her robe and gazing down at her buttocks.”* I Do That, Too. Sadly, No Statue, Yet

Here are the 100 most beautiful words in English. How do we know we have the most beautiful? They were chosen by Dr. Goodword (Robert Beard), who has been making dictionaries, creating word lists, and writing poetry for 40 years. For five years he wrote the Word of the Day at yourDictionary.com and since 2004 he has been writing the series, So, What's the Good Word? here at alphaDictionary. Below is a select list of his favorite poetical words that he used in his poetry—or wishes he had.

These words were collected over the years with the help of visitors to this website like you, subscribers to our daily “Good Word,” and the word colloquium at the alphaDictionary Alpha Agora. They have been carefully researched and written up in small essays designed to increase the beauty of our conversations. Beyond that, these essays reveal how the words used by English-speakers provide insights into who we are and where we come from.


“Fluke” is not a beautiful word. Now, “Callipygean,” that's a beautiful word, particularly when the alternative spelling is used.

* Picture and caption from here.