I'll Have What He's Having

Tinky Winky, the teen years

What I'm Watching: Patrick Duffy and the Crab

Patrick: So what, Meredith had to choose between that one guy and Dr. McHottie? …

The Crab: [exasperated] Yes! It's ridiculous. She could've had them both at the same time, you know, had a little ménage action going.

Patrick: When have you ever been with two women?

The Crab: Nineteen ninety-four. First-season wrap party for a little show I like to call Friends, me, Courtney, and the wardrobe girl.

Patrick: You're telling me you had a threesome with Courtney Cox…

The Crab: Uh huh.

Patrick: …and the wardrobe girl.

The Crab: And her name was Bettina. Jealous?

Patrick: No. More “surprised.”

The Crab: Look, Patrick, I know you're into this whole marriage thing, but you've got to loosen up, man. It's The Aughties.

Patrick: Not everyone is interested in that.

The Crab: Are you telling me that if you were single and I showed up at your door with Courtney Cox, you wouldn't jump on board, make a little Courtney sandwich?

Patrick: No, I don't think so.

The Crab: You don't find her attractive?

Patrick: No, she's very pretty.

The Crab: [pause for realization] Oh. I see.

Patrick: It would be a little awkward, yes.

The Crab: Wow.

Patrick: I'm not trying to hurt your feelings.

The Crab: You're repelled by me.


In Patrick's defense, not everyone is into a Devil's Three-way. A certain level of awkwardness is inherent, which is why one is never proposed, only fallen into.

Anyway, that exchange, alone, would have been enough to make Patrick Duffy & The Crab my favorite web series, but then, in the American Idol episode The Crab gave one of my favorite line readings ever when he discussed the Idol age limit, and that sealed it.





They're all worth a few minutes, so watch them when you get a chance.

You're welcome.

Three Dudes Shaking Their Weights. That's Got to Be More Awkward than Satisfying

If there were any benefits to this workout, I would have been the most ripped thirteen-year-old in the history of masturbation humankind, because I was doing that exercise a lot back then—a lot—much more than the stated “six minutes a day.”

Had I been able to limit myself to six minutes a day, who knows what would have been possible for me? Any suggestion would be speculative, but I would have certainly had the time to unlock the mysteries of cold fusion, isolate the weakness of the common cold, count the licks to Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. It's hard to imagine what accomplishments would have been out of my reach had I reached for my Shake Weight only six minutes per day.

Science is the poorer.

The Ghost of Michael Jackson Is a Vengeful Ghost. He Will Teach You to Desecrate His Memory with Punk-Ass Moves. Smite Him, Michael. Smite Him Hard

Thank you.

Putting the Black in Blaxploitation since 1971

You know how I've been waiting months to see this movie? Well, it's playing in select cities. Guess which city was selected?

I'm going to see it after work. Jealous?

Don't worry. I'll bring you back a tee shirt.

Oddly, Their Usual Tagline Is “The Magic Is in the Hole”

Voodoo Doughnut owner Tres Shannon doesn’t understand why Bitch magazine declined from running his store’s new clothing ad in their publication. According to him, the only thing that might be controversial about the ad is the fact that the woman, whose underpants-clad privates are being depicted in the ad, is unshaven. “It’s just pubic hair,” says Shannon. “I thought Bitch would be happy the woman isn’t plucked and shaved, but all natural like a real woman.”


But is that the way to go when you want to sell doughnuts? I'm not sure it is. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's the opposite of what you should be going for. No says the best part of the doughnut is the coif—for good reason, which you're, obviously, forgetting. Bitch did you a favor by refusing that ad.

It wouldn't have worked on anyone, but me, and as badly as I want a doughnut right now, you would never have been able to recoup the cost of the ad with me alone, and I could eat a lot of doughnuts right now.

I Feel You, Little, Plastic Guy. On Any Given Day, That's What Life Is Like for Me, Too

Now, for your amusement, street art. It's even more amusing to me because I have good friends in Winston-Salem, NC and Washington DC, two of the featured cities.

I'm not saying they had anything to do with this. I'm just saying you're not fooling me with that blue sleeping bag, Law Guy. We've been camping together too many times for me to fall for that. (Plus, isn't that just around the block from your office?)

Vulvas of Color Representing, Yo! Hollar!

Celebrate your own beauty.

Each piece is an original, one of a kind hand sculpted image of its owner to remind her that regardless of what the world and the people in it may tell her: she is beautiful.

After purchasing you can e-mail 2-3 photos of your Yoni to: VulvaLoveLovely. Please include chain choice: Antique copper or gunmetal (shown in the final photo) in the 'message to seller' section at checkout.
The pendant on this necklace will measure about 1.6" x 1" and will be hung on a 17.5" chain. Each pendant will be coated in a protective satin glaze.

If you are not comfortable sending pictures you also have to option of sending me a description of your Yoni.

In your description please include:

• The shape of your inner and outer labia


• colors


• how much or how little your inner labia extend out from your outer labia


• how well hidden your clitoris is, is it heavily hooded or can you see it fairly easily?

*If no photo or description is sent you will receive one of our beautiful flesh-toned Vulva pendants*


I'm sure if I thought about it, I'd be able to figure out why this strikes as wrong—so very wrong—but I don't want to think about. I just want to let the wonder of it all flow over me.

Let's hope nothing untoward gets trapped in my gaping maw.

P.S. Hmm, Christmas is just around the bend. Hey, FM, if you want one of these for Yuletide 2009 (or even your birthday), you'd better get those pictures in the mail tout de suite.

I Thought You'd Want to Know

Created by The Oatmeal

And Now Arguing for the Pro Side of the Argument, Jungle Fever Sufferer* Strom Thurmond. What's Wrong, Strom. Death Got Your Tongue?

A Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, says it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.

“I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”…

Bardwell said he has discussed the topic with blacks and whites, along with witnessing some interracial marriages. He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such relationships, and neither does white society, he said.

“There is a problem with both groups accepting a child from such a marriage,” Bardwell said. “I think those children suffer and I won't help put them through it.”

The president of the United States was unavailable for comment.


* Oh, Strommy, you devil!

Thank You, Japan. When I Need It, You Bring It—Hard

The best way to escape a fart? Sidestep it.

Here comes the science.