Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Work Faster Peasants. I Need My New iPhone

Tech Talk Host Caitlin Owens: In fairness, would you guys like to complain about an American product?

Chinese Peasant Laborer Shu Chow: Let's see, what does America make? Does diabetes count as product, because if not, we'll have to get back to you.

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Shh, Mountain Goats. You had me at “Mistreat your altar boys long enough and this is what you get.” You had me at... Actually, you had me from the opening line, and made me write, “So true” in the margins of my monitor with Wite-Out after the Precipice verse (yeah, that's not coming out), because the truth is, if you want to rob me of my CD money, appeal to the 16-year-old cutter in me. (Seriously, ask Robert Smith: my tears and blood probably paid for at least one of his manors and keeps him in eyeliner and lipstick to this day.)

Monday, September 24, 2012

Ganesh is the Kind of God Who Will Fist a Deity and Have the Decency to Give Him a Reach-Around

WASHINGTON—Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex act of considerable depravity, no one was murdered, beaten, or had their lives threatened, sources reported Thursday. The image of the Hebrew prophet Moses high-fiving Jesus Christ as both are having their erect penises vigorously masturbated by Ganesha, all while the Hindu deity anally penetrates Buddha with his fist, reportedly went online at 6:45 p.m. EDT, after which not a single bomb threat was made against the organization responsible, nor did the person who created the cartoon go home fearing for his life in any way. Though some members of the Jewish, Christian, Hindu, and Buddhist faiths were reportedly offended by the image, sources confirmed that upon seeing it, they simply shook their heads, rolled their eyes, and continued on with their day.
I knew Buddha was a freak. There was something about his smile that told me he was a fellow traveler.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

And Why Not? No One Reads the Corrections Anyway

C.W. Nevius' column about Most Holy Redeemer banning drag queen performers incorrectly stated that entertainer Peaches Christ appeared at an event at the church's hall with a dildo shaped like a crucifix. He did not appear at the event, nor does he use the prop.
Obviously, this retraction was written by an intern. A full-fledged professional would have left some ambiguity in the material, publishing a more nuanced correction of what was printed:

“C.W. Nevius' column about Most Holy Redeemer banning drag queen performers incorrectly stated that entertainer Peaches Christ appeared at an event at the church's hall with a dildo shaped like a crucifix. He did not appear at the event, but if he did—which we've established he did not—he did not he use a dildo shaped like crucifix as a prop. He used it like a dildo—or he would have had he been there, which he almost certainly was not.”

See the difference.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Thanks, Get Your War On.

“I met this chick down here, smoking hot—Sara Palin's body and Ayn Rand's haircut.…”

“Why do you do this, man?”

“Because I'm a stone freak who loves liberty and getting that ass.”

26 pounds, 32,000 Calories: That's Not Excess, but It's a Start

Excess, yeah that's what we do best
Yo, I was on a sugar low, feelin' slow, needed more
But now I'm feelin' them grooves, straight up rockin' these moves
And when I shake my hips like this, I bet your daddy disapproves

Oh yeah! Alright! We're gonna Party Bear tonight!
Oh yeah! Alright! We're gonna shake it up with the Party Bear tonight!

Once, as an undergrad, we filled a watermelon with Everclear. The Everclear ate the meat of the watermelon, so when we cracked it open, most of the liquor spilled out on to the floor. That would have been a red flag for most, but whatever message contained in the "It ate dissolved the insides of the last thing it was put into" message was lost on us. We drank whatever we could salvage from the meatless rind. Having since burned those brain cells out of existence, I can't tell you much about the taste, but I can tell you that after a few drinks, I'd lost the power of speech. Good time, good times.

I can only image what we would have paired with one of these. Since my friend's and my degrees were brought to us by the letters "G" and "T," I'd like to think it would have been something classy, like gin or cognac or something, but frankly, even at my advanced age, I'm looking at that chubby, little bastard with his distended hollow belly and I'm thinking that would go well with cheap tequila, if for no other reason, because I think he would look cute in that little detachable sombrero.

And I'm sure I'd taste the rainbow, afterward. No pain, no gain.

Yun is Mandarin for Loman

The evening began jovially enough when Mr Yun, the owner of a noodle shop in the central Chinese city of Xi'an, invited his family to celebrate Qixi, China's Valentine's Day, with a singing session at a local karaoke parlour.

But by 11pm, there was discord in the room. Mr Yun's four-year-old son was hogging the microphone and his parents were indulging him.

Two of the boy's uncles began chastising Mr Yun and his wife for having raised a spoilt child; a “Little Emperor”, as the Chinese say.

According to the Xi'an police, the argument became heated to the point where the two uncles began pushing, and then punching, Mr Yun.

Finally, Mr Yun's nephew, who also worked in the noodle shop, ran back to the restaurant and fetched a meat cleaver.

The man, named as Mr Hui, hacked the two uncles to death, inflicting at least ten wounds on each uncle. He has since been arrested.
Honestly, I don't see how this is news. It's expected behavior in my family. Whenever we get together, you just know push will come to shove, shove will come to cut, and cut will come to shoot. Rain falls, suns shine, and Lomans kill each other at family gatherings. Nothing to see here. Move along.

It's all the more tragic because like the tenure battles in the academy, the fights are so fierce, because the stakes are so small. Seriously, my uncle pulled a knife one of our cousins at a funeral because the cousin borrowed twenty dollars from him in the '60s and the cousin had been ducking him ever since. (You read that correctly: my family brings knives to funerals.)

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Under Romney Care, All Abortions Come with Transvaginal Ultrasounds and All Prescriptions for Whore Birth Control Pills Come with a Stoning

Paul Ryan’s acceptance speech at the Republican convention contained several false claims and misleading statements. Delegates cheered as the vice presidential nominee:

  • Accused President Obama’s health care law of funneling money away from Medicare “at the expense of the elderly.” In fact, Medicare’s chief actuary says the law “substantially improves” the system’s finances, and Ryan himself has embraced the same savings.

  • Accused Obama of doing “exactly nothing” about recommendations of a bipartisan deficit commission — which Ryan himself helped scuttle.

  • Claimed the American people were “cut out” of stimulus spending. Actually, more than a quarter of all stimulus dollars went for tax relief for workers.

  • Faulted Obama for failing to deliver a 2008 campaign promise to keep a Wisconsin plant open. It closed less than a month before Obama took office.

  • Blamed Obama for the loss of a AAA credit rating for the U.S. Actually, Standard & Poor’s blamed the downgrade on the uncompromising stands of both Republicans and Democrats.

  • And when he wasn’t attacking Obama, Ryan was puffing up the record of his running mate, Mitt Romney, on taxes and unemployment.
    That's all pretty bad—and the article goes into disheartening detail on how bad it is really is—but it can't distract me from the look in Ryan's daughter's eyes. I mean, she's already got the dead, vacant stare of a porn star two to three years her senior, which leads me to believe one thing: she's seen her dad's health care plan.

    Thursday, August 23, 2012

    Actually, My Brothers Nicknamed Me “Tar Baby.” There Has Never Been a Day I Have Not Been Aware of My Blackness

    Lots of folks have asked me, “Baruch, what's it like to be the first Jewish president of Harvard Law Revue?” Oi! This has gone a bit too far. It's true that my background is a bit convoluted, but let me try my luck at clarifying these matters once and for all. I was born in Oslo, Norway, the son of a Volvo factory worker and part-time ice-fisherman. My mother was a backup singer for Abba. They were good folks. As you folks all know, I am extraordinarily mature, and at the age of fifteen I went off to California to enroll at Accidental College. After a couple of years, I decided to go to Colombia, but when offered a position as a judge in Bogota, I fled to Chicago. There I discovered I was black, and I have remained so ever since.
    I remember the day I discovered I was black, too, Baroque. I wasn't alone at the time. I was fortunate that some skinheads were there, who had discovered I was black first. I caught on quickly shortly afterward. Although denying the obvious by burying one's head in the sand can keep one securely oblivious to most unpleasantness, nothing pierces the veil of cluelessness like a curb stomping, and my blackness came to me like a blow to the head. Good times, good times.

    I wonder what the guys are up to now.

    Tuesday, August 14, 2012

    Alas, My Ass Is Too Dainty for a Public Toilet Seat

    I only go to the classiest places, the kind that have bathrooms that make you feel like you have to wipe with your pinkie sticking out — ooh, la, la.

    Sunday, August 12, 2012

    They Charged Her with Driving Under the Influence of Menses

    Getting pulled over for rolling through a stop sign is whack. But getting pulled over, having a gun pointed in your face, and then being strip searched on the side of the road in front of your two children for rolling through a stop sign is, well, really whack and probably an excessive use of force.

    At least. that's what a new lawsuit in the Sunshine State is claiming.

    Last July, Leila Tarantino claims that she was pulled over by an officer with the Citrus County Sheriff's Department. In the suit, Tarantino says she came to a full stop and should have never been pulled over in the first place.

    A passing cop pulled a u-turn, flashed the lights, and rolled up behind her. Tarantino claims that the cop immediately drew his weapon, pulled her from the car, and refused to explain why he pulled her over. Tarantino's two young children watched all of this unfold from inside her car.

    The cop then placed Tarantino in the back of the squad car, where she allegedly sat for two hours. When backup arrived, Tarantino was strip searched on the side of the road, where passing motorists could see everything.

    Then, in a gruesome twist, a female officer “forcibly removed” a tampon from Tarantino.…

    The lawsuit does not name the cops involved but notes that there were five male officers and one female officer.

    According to the court filing, cops released Tarantino with a citation, but kept the tampon.

    The only explanation I can think of for why the female officer forcibly removed the tampon from Tarantino is that the state of Florida has only one tampon and it was the officer's turn to use it.

    Don't look at me like that. This is Florida. It's possible.

    Friday, August 03, 2012

    Hey, Isn't that Conga Line Guy the Cowboy from the Village People?

    Tell the players, make it understood
    It ain't no good if there's too much wood.
    Make sure you know before you go
    The dance floor-bro-hoe ratio.
    5-to-1 is a rodeo.
    Tell Steve and Mark its time to go.
    Wait outside all night to find
    Twenty dudes in a conga line.

    Too many dicks on the dance floor.
    Easy to fix!
    Too many dicks on the dance floor.
    Spread out the dicks!

    Too many men,
    Too many boys,
    Too many misters,
    Not enough sisters,
    Too much time on too many hands,
    Not enough ladies, too many mans.

    This would be the Washington state song, but because Brett and Jermaine are from New Zealand and because a conspiracy of xenophobes determine how these things play out, it isn't. So, when the occasion presents itself, we've got to sing "Washington, My Home."

    What does that song teach us? Not the proper bro-to-ho ratio, not the plural of man. (All this time I thought it was “men.” Thanks NC public schooling). No, it tells us this: "This is my country; God gave it to me; I will protect it, Ever keep it free." Useless drivel.

    I weep for my adopted state, mostly, for the children. No one ever stops to think how something like this affects the children.