"I'm Just a Country Lawyer. I Don't Know Much about Prisoner Abuse, but If It's Anything Like Cheerleading, and I Hear It Is, How Bad Could It Be?

A lawyer defending Specialist Charles Graner, who is accused of being a ringleader in the Abu Ghraid prisoner abuse scandal, agued that piling naked prisoners in pyramids was a valid form of prisoner control. "Don't cheerleaders all over American form pyramids six to eight times a year. Is that torture?" said Guy Womack, Sergeant Graner's lawyer, in opening arguments to the ten-member military jury at the reservist's court martial. ...

The prosecution showed some of those pictures in their opening argument, including one of naked Iraqi men piled on each other and another of Ms. England holding a crawling naked Iraqi man on a leash. Mr. Womack said that using a tether was a valid method of controlling detainees. "You're keeping control of them. A tether is a valid control to be used in corrections," he said.

Okay, to all of you caught abusing prisoners, either, here or abroad, a helpful word: If during your trial, your lawyer starts spinning folksy explanations for the atrocities you did, like some Meth-ed up Matlock, take some time and find out what the Astroglide-to-cigarette exchange rate is in the prison near you; learn to enjoy the touch of a man; get to know what makes a stronger, more violent con than you happy. You're going to need to know that stuff, because if the best your attorney can come up with is a cheerleader defense, you are going down like a porn star.

You might as well develop a taste for it.