See? This Is Why When the Shit Hits the Fan and the Press Is Calling, You Give the Phone to Your Mom. Mom Will Defend You Against Any Charge

A Perth Amboy middle school teacher has been arrested on charges she engaged in a long-running sexual relationship with a 13-year-old student, authorities said yesterday.

Amy Burke, 32, who has taught physical education and health at McGinnis Middle School for nearly a decade, first had sexual contact with the boy in March, Middlesex County Assistant Prosecutor Andrea Carter said. The relationship continued at least through the summer, Carter said. . . .

"I'm beside myself," the woman's father, Michael Haskins, said when reached at the family's Elmwood Avenue home yesterday.

Haskins said he learned of the arrest yesterday morning and had not spoken with his daughter since. He said he was unaware of any relationship and had not seen the student Burke is accused of molesting.

Asked if he believed his daughter was capable of having sex with a student, he responded, "Anything's possible."

Okay, let's go over this again, because, obviously, some of you aren't paying attention. Listen up, this time.

Whenever you're in deep do'h! -- particularly when the d'oh! is with the Law -- let your mother do the talking. Your mother will defend you against anything, blindly, irrationally, faithfully, no matter the evidence, no matter the charge. You're her baby. And her baby could never do whatever her baby is being accused of. Your dad, on the other hand, is going to wait to hear the evidence, weigh the facts. If you let your dad talk, you're screwed.

Dad sees you as an adult, an adult who's as flawed as the next, equally as capable of doing something heinous as anyone else. That's not good. If you let him speak to anyone, Dad is going to get you "Life without parole."

Mom is going to get you "reasonable doubt" -- or, barring that, a steady supply of cigarettes. That's why mom is Plan A, Your Go-To Girl, God's Gift to the Guilty (and that, my friend, unfortunately, is you). Go with mom.

Now, can you see where Amy Burke went wrong (I mean, besides screwing a minor)?