Actually, If I Had to Put a Song on a Condom, I'd Pick Cracker's “Ain't Gonna Suck Itself”

Sixteen years ago, after watching too many MC Hammer videos, Paul Lyons decided to patent the skeaziest thing he could think of (imagine taking that guy from Dual Action Cleanse infomercial's face and turning it into an equivalently sleezy product): A condom that plays music with every thrust.

(No, this is not that crappy Ukranian knockoff.) Yes, Paul Lyons can proudly tell the world he owns a patent for "a chip-controlled piezoelectric sound transducer which plays a melody or voiced message when during intercourse the contacts of the sound-playing unit are closed and the transducer is activated." It's all about free love—you can record whatever music or sound you want, be it "Danger Zone" or "Thriller." I shudder at the possibilities.


In a previous job, I knew a pious woman whose contributions to any conversation involved re-tellings of her religious experiences or amusing anecdotes that happened to her at Bible Camp. She was attractive and innocent and sexy because of that, because—god help me—thoughts of defiling pure things turn me on.

Anyway, one day she told us about a song her youth pastor taught her as a little girl that went like this:

Give me oil in my lamp keep it burnin' burnin' burnin'
Give me oil in my lamp I pray....Hallelujah!
Give me oil in my lamp keep it burnin' burnin' burnin'
Keep it burnin' til the break of day.

Because “oil,” “lamp,” and “burnin' burnin' burnin'…til the break of day,” became double entendres in my dirty mind, I took more pleasure in her performance than any normal person would and ended up having to pretend to drink coffee to hide my pervy glee at her remembrance/gospel erotica—a strategy that totally backfired when she showed the office the dance her pastor taught her to do for the second verse:

Put the unction in my junction make it function, function, function…

I spent the next half hour cleaning up spewed coffee and calming my excited parts.

I shudder to think what would happen if I could get that song on a condom, but, I'm pretty sure it would involve shuddering.