Excuse Me. I've Got to Go Shotgun a Can of High Fructose Corn Syrup

When I was a kid, I was like Colbert. I only ate fruit that came in “loop” or “pebble” form. The sugar high that resulted once made my brothers and me parachute off the roof of our split-level home, using my parents king-size sheet as said parachute. Like the Cookie Monster, “me had crazy times back in the 70's and 80's.”

(Had we used a California King flat sheet, we probably would have made it.)