Pree-Sent…Arms! Well, Not So Much Arms, but If You've Got an Erection or an Swollen Clitoris You're Not Using, …

At the Happy Ass Ranch, there was work to be done.

Timber Kirwan was slipping out of his shorts and into a pair of pants behind a black Toyota Tundra. Nearby, “burners” were arriving and setting up booths. The Pink Pussy Palace was coming into being.

It was time for Kirwin to get started on his geodome. Pulling up his pants, he spotted a guy in the bushes. Wearing what looked to be SWAT gear and a ski mask, the mystery man was squatting with a gun. Apparently, Kirwan surmised, the impromptu theatrics so typical of the Apogaea festival had commenced.

“Show me your hands,” the bush guy ordered.

“No, show me your hands,” Kirwan played along.

And then, quite suddenly, …


Unless this is your first visit—in which case, take off your coat, pour yourself a drink, stay awhile—you know that things took a decidedly less flirty turn for the worse for the overly optimistic (and clearly horny) Timber. So, tonight, in his honor, as you are preparing to unfurl your freak flag, spill a little Astroglide on the floor beneath your sex swing for a fellow traveler.

Deny it all you want, but anyone who sees a man in the bushes wearing SWAT gear and a ski mask and takes “Show me your hands” for a pickup line has definitely had his passport stamped for Loman country. The least you can do is spill a little on the side for the brother not with us.

I, personally, believe he deserves more, and if I can find 20 others, he's going to get the 21 Genital salute his life on the Wild Side has earned him.