You Don't Have to Wear a Uniform to be a Hero

Meet Jose Cruz. In the long history of American jurisprudence, the West Virginia man may be the first defendant to ever be charged with passing gas in the face of a law enforcement officer. Cruz, 34, was driving with his car's headlights off Monday night when he was pulled over by West Charleston cops, who noted that Cruz appeared to be intoxicated. After failing a series of field sobriety tests, Cruz was arrested and transported to police headquarters, where he allegedly committed another offense, according to a September 23 criminal complaint (a copy of which you can find here). While being fingerprinted, Cruz allegedly “lifted his leg and passed gas loudly on Ptlm. Parsons. The defendant then fanned the air with his hand in front of his rear onto” the cop. “The gas,” the complaint notes, “was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Ptlm. Parsons.” In addition to the DUI count, Cruz was also charged with battery on a police officer for the farting incident. In a TSG interview, Cruz said that while he “farted multiple times,” it “wasn't directly in [the cop's] face.” Asked if he fanned the fetid air toward the officer, Cruz admitted that he did, but said it was in retaliation for the cop insisting he take a breath test while he was having an asthma attack. “I said, ‘Here, put that in your Breathalyzer,’” he recalled.


I am a layman, ignorant in the ways of the law, so pardon me if these assault charges sound like bullshit. I mean, according to the criminal complaint, for the crime of battery to have occurred, physical contact must have been involved:

If any person unlawfully and intentionally makes physical contact of an insulting or provoking nature with a police officer, conservation officer, county correctional officer or state correctional officer acting in his her official capacity or unlawfully and intentionally causes physical harm to a police officer, conservation officer, county correctional officer or state correctional officer acting in such capacity.

Unless Mr. Cruz gas took corporeal form, this cop is full of shit, and should be cited for filing a false report. That's not going to happen.

Until a day comes when travesties of justice, like this one, are rare, my heroes will be the guys on the gaseous side of the thin brown blue line.

Apropos of nothing, where do you think I should get my tattoo of Jose Cruz (and, yes, on my ass would be too obvious).