What Would Fecus Do? "WWFD Bracelets Now Available Where All Great Scams Are Sold (and Walmart)

Since I was taking a nap it was Jon’s responsibility to retrieve The Spawn from her crib when she woke up but the whimpering startled me. I rolled out of bed and stumbled half-awake into her room to see what appendage she might have stuck in the crib, but there was no stuckage to be seen, no. Instead, she sat upright on her knees, her hands covered in what looked like pasta sauce, her forehead smeared with war paint.

I picked her up under her arms and held her at least a foot away from my body. And then the smell hit me LIKE AN AX IN THE FACE. I managed to turn her body away from mine and then I saw it, the Pasta Poop, an explosion of meatballs and sauce out the top of her diaper splattered up like the spray of a fountain into the back of her hair. I glanced at the crib and noticed two plum-sized turds sitting like menacing eight balls in the middle of her blanket.

“JON! JON!” I could barely breathe. “YOU HAVE GOT TO SEE THIS. OH. MY. GOD.”

...

“POOP!”

You would have thought that neither of us had ever seen poop in our lives. The mess, it was like we were witnessing the depths of Hell and both of us in that moment were scared straight back into religion.

See, I would have gone in the other direction:

"Oh, god, why hast thou forsaken us?! What have we done?! Tell us, Great Feces, what we can do to return to your good Graces? Who must we smite with these unholy meatballs of shit to earn Salvation?"

That's just me. But given that I stopped feeling god's love when Reagan got elected, you should consider the source.