Academic Shortcomings that Can't Be Explained by Ebonics

Walt Whitman is 90 stories tall, and his adventures are legendary. With his blue Ox, Emily Dickenson, Walt Whitman traveled across young America and helped the nation grow into the angry powerhouse it is today. He dropped his might axe, forming the Grand Canyon; the apple cores he would spit from his mighty mouth planted apple trees all across the coutry, and the stomp of his mighty boot caused the stock market to crash. He and his friend Huck Finn, traveled down the Mississippi and freed the slaves. Walt Whitman believed that the only good Chinaman was a dead Chinaman, so he went to Tiananmen Square and gave them all candy. Except instead of candy he killed them.

When he gets to college, this kid should think about a major in American folklore, assuming, of course, this isn't a huge Internet lie, which it almost certainly is.