Roy Blunt Dubbed It a Result of the Fuck Up Gene

There's no way to explain, exactly, what possesses someone to stare down at a glass of moonshine - pure corn liquor made in an illegal still - and decide to put it in his body. But, two years ago, I did just that for the first time.

A friend of mine, a giant native Tennessean who never had much trouble drinking his own weight in the hard stuff, had turned 21 a few months earlier. A friend of ours - another Tennessean - brought him a large mason jar of clear liquid to mark the occasion.

'Is that what I think it is?' he asked.

'It's from my granddaddy's still,' she said. 'Don't worry - they test it.'

'Test it?' he said.

'Yeah,' she said. 'They put a little bit in the lid there and set it on fire. If it turns green, it's fine. If it turns blue it'll kill you.'...

'Um...I really don't know...' I whined.

'Oh come on,' he said. 'We're gonna do this. We've got to.'

I've lost arguments to friends who were using the same compelling reasoning. In the light of day, the logic doesn't hold up, but if you're a male, you know, these arguments never occur in the light of day and if you're a male you also know, there is nothing more powerful between friends than "We've got to do this."

I don't know if I can explain it, but I'll try.

Men are stupid.

Wow, that was easier than I thought.

No, really, women develop strong far-reaching relationships through the use of developed communication skills. Men develop life-long bonds with near strangers by engaging in acts of derring-do and unbridled stupidity because a close friend threw down the gauntlet of "We've got to do this."

Honestly, that's how your dad really got his slight limp. It's not a football injury; he never played football.

That's how your brother got his scar. (Fell down on his way to choir practice? Please.)

If your boyfriend has a tattoo with a women's name on his arm, it's not his grandmother's name on his father's side. (Her name is Ethel, not Esmeralda.) More than likely, he was in Tijuana with some friends, and someone said, "We've got to do this." Tequila shots, tattoos and penicillin followed.

That's why he and his buddies get quiet when you come in the room. That's why when you ask them what's so funny, they say, "Nuthin'." That's guy talk for "We had to do it."