"In This Ring, I Have Filled My Underwear Nessie Super Energy Pill"

The Gentleman's Secret

Satisfaction guaranteed!

These rings have a secret compartment with enough space to store lots of different things...

What's your poison?

Guys, seriously, I hate to break it to you, but if you're wearing one of those rings, particularly if you're wearing one of those rings on your pinkie, you won't need the secret compartment or your "poison," because -- trust me here -- you won't be getting laid. Your poison'll be just like that condom you carried in your wallet in high school, the one that sat in there un-used for so long it made an impression -- or "Virgin Loop" -- on the side of your bi-fold: yeah, that one.

Listen. You don't need the ring. If you're married, your wife knows you're handicapped, you know, down there. And if you're spending money on some pretty young thing, well, Flaccid Fred, be honest. Seeing you pop a boner pill isn't going to kill the mood for her. (Your toupee did that, silly.) All she cares about is your money and the things it will buy her. Spend lavishly and she won't care if you have to medicate or splint and plaster your old roll. So just leave the mood rings alone.

Acknowledge your age. Be open about who you are in bed. In other words, keep the Viagra bedside, where you can reach it when you need to.

Treat it like your defibrillator, and you should be fine.