Vote for the Pirate. It's Important

What you see is what you get. I am the only drunken Pirate seeking office in this great nation. What a sad testimonial to our political system when a degenerate like me, feels like the most honest candidate on the ballot. I am not talking the chrome plated crap my opponents throw out. I am talking about deep from the heart honesty. This pirate believes that holding public office demands real sacrifice. Every aspect of my personal life must be laid to the blade and exposed. My medical history. My financial history. My employment history. My family history out in the open for your scrutiny. It is my offer to you. It will be my way of showing real sacrifice to serve you. We as voters have not asked enough of candidates. For the $150,000 annual salary, candidates should be subjected to intense public scrutiny.

The result will bring a more honest open type of person to the race. You will see the false Christians and smarmy trained monkeys recede to the shit-holes they crawled from. This challenge is not to be taken lightly. Can the American voter accept a flawed person or even down right ugly one to represent them? Every day I fight the urge to drink, debauch women out of wed-lock and beat people on the street. One urge I do not have is to sell myself to the highest bidder. . . .

I would have your wife right in front of you. I would smoke the last of your glaucoma medication. Then I will surely drink your liquor cabinet dry. However, know this my friend. I will never break an oath to uphold the public trust. My affidavit will be signed in my own blood. A Pirates crimson mark, with real binding effects into my after life. Laugh if you will then ask yourself if you could do it.

• Have your wife in front of you: [check]
• Smoke the last of your glaucoma medicine [if I could get that in a brownie, check]
• Surely drink your liquor cabinet dry [is that wrong? I mean, check]
• Break an oath to uphold the public trust [well, yeah, probably -- check -- I'm a weak man with many, many boundary issues: Reason #38568 Why You'll Never See My Name on a ballot]

For a minute there, I was considering running for office. The way he framed the requirements made it sound like fun.