What I'll Be Watching Tomorrow

AVC: Have you thought about what you'd do if you weren't cops?

TJ: I've done the math, and I think that I might make slightly more on unemployment than I make as a law-enforcement officer. So I would just spend time at the library on the Google, and, ya know, learn things.

JD: I would like to get into something that I would be proud to tell people about—like softcore pornography on the Internet.

TJ: Oh, that's what I meant too.

JD: I think we would probably both be in softcore pornography, and I think there's a lot of openings. Well, I've got my standards.

TJ: Triple penetration ain't for me. . . .

AVC: Well, we have some law-enforcement queries: Say you're in a high-speed chase on a city street, in hot pursuit, and on the immediate approaching road, there's a stack of dozens and dozens of boxes.

JD: Are they filled with babies?

AVC: Not babies. . . . Now, you can maintain your course and keep an eye on things, or you can go through the boxes. What do you do?

TJ: Are the cameras on?

AVC: Yes.

TJ: Then you go through the boxes. . . .

AVC: Okay, another one: You're undercover with a gang, and in order to prove your loyalty, you have to bust a cap in a cop. Who on the staff would you choose?

JD: Obviously, there would never be a situation where we would have to take it that far. By that point, we could have made a bust, and if we hadn't, it'd be Trudy Wiegel—and I think it would be with extreme prejudice. . . .

AVC: Another one: A woman discovers a large stash of child pornography on her husband's computer. What does she do?

JD: The worst crime there is in the world, other than kiddy-porn, which is a terrible one, is ignorance. There should be a death penalty for ignorance. If you live in America, and you don't know how to clean out your web history, then you are guilty as charged with being ignorant, and you might as well go to the gulag for all I care.

TJ: Like you get extra time for hate crimes, you should get "dumb time." There should be dumb time. An extra 10 years.

JD: All the Macs have private browsing—just go to private browsing.

TJ: It's so easy.

JD: Here's something: If you watch other law-enforcement programs, you would think we catch people all the time. But nothing could be further from the truth. Fifty percent of murders are unsolved, and in Nevada, that goes up to more like 70-75.

TJ: A lot of them don't even get reported.

JD: Once in a while, we'll find a head or a foot. We didn't even know we were looking for somebody.

TJ: All these shows where they scrape up the evidence all meticulously, and then send it to a lab, and there's 70 people workin' in a NASA operation—

JD: "Let's get the atom-smasher workin' so we can separate the bullshit."

TJ: We've got one guy, Steve, stoned to the gills.

I believe this is what they call a guilty pleasure.