"Why, You're Not the Usual Di-Lithium Crystal Boy!" [Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow]

Hello, I'm George Takei.

Recently, I've been troubled to hear comments made by former NBA ALL STAR Tim Hardaway, who said

"I hate Gay people. Let it be known I don't like Gay people. I'm homophobic."

As a Gay man and a human being, I was shocked and saddened.

But I want you to know, Tim, on behalf of Gay people, everywhere, that despite your ugly words, we don't hate you. As a matter of fact, we like you.

We like you very much.

[cue porn music]

We particularly like your large, powerful calves, your smooth, chocolaty head, glazed in man sweat.

I'll keep my eye on you, and let it be known, that one day, when you least expect it, I will have sex with you.

I love sweaty basketball players.

And I want you to know, George, on behalf of black men, everywhere, that despite the ugly words that so often spring from our surprisingly, but deeply homophobic community, we don't hate you, either. As a matter of fact, we like you.

We like you so much that we're willing to lube up Tim Hardaway, dress him in nothing but a red Star Trek shirt, and let you play "Hide the Phaser" with him until both of your faces are set on Stunned by the Post-Coital Glow. Call it a peace offering. Film it, release it as Gay porn, go nuts.

But first, we've got to know. It's the chocolaty heads, covered in man dew, that makes you like us so much, isn't it? I thought so.

Ah, hell, George, you've been such a good sport, why not take these guys, too? Just tell us where to send them.