Say It with Me: "Superior. Society."

Japan's ever-inventive sex industry's latest innovation is an adaptation of the facial -- a mud pack for the penis, according to Spa!

The service involves using a hotel sink or face-washing basin and filling it with warm water and wine. This is aimed at improving the circulation. Instead of inserting the face, however, the client places their bottom in the bowl, allowing the penis and anus to be soaked in the suds of their sommelier.

Spa! notes that the washing is performed by at least one woman, who The Aromani insists must be in her 20s or 30s at the oldest.

Once the basic basin service has finished, the genitals are swathed in a chunk of mud supposed to cleanse the skin. Once they are completely covered, the woman (or women) providing the service, then show their handiwork, so to speak, until the client reaches climax, or what Spa! calls the "ascent to Heaven."

The Aromani's boss says the service began with the motto of "providing health and beauty to the willy and anus."

No offense to the technique and expertise of our Pacific Rim neighbors, but providing health and beauty to my willy and anus is out of reach even for them. I'm nothing if not fair, though. If they want a challenge, I'm more than willing to give them a shot at turning my genitals and dumper Eliza Doolittles into Miss Congeniality.

So, whenever you can get your team over here, Aromani, I'm ready for my ascent to Heaven.

For the sake of full disclosure, you should probably tell your staff to bring their hard hats and Bento boxes with them when they come, because I've seen where they're going, and, frankly, they've got a hard day at the office ahead of them. Expect over-time. We're separating the sex workers from the girls, here.

Welcome to Loman Country.