I Don't Even Want to Know What the Mother Is Covered In

In a bizarre string of events Tuesday morning, two young boys were found abandoned in a car in Salem and then several hours later, police arrested their father after he was caught sleeping in an SUV parked inside a garage just one block away.

Here, in the Pacific Northwest, almost every news story begins with the phrase, “In a bizarre string of events . . .” and ends with someone half-naked and covered in goo, so forgive me if I'm not shocked — SHOCKED! — to read this.