Cookies and Milk? So Passé and Culturally Incorrect. What Santa Wants Is Condoms and Lube. So Be Nice.

“It's not that I didn't believe in Santa Claus. It's just that you've shattered my image somehow….”

In Burlington, North Carolina in 1990, a group of decent, Christian, hard-working folks who called themselves the Truth Tabernacle Church held a trial featuring the well-known elf Santa Claus as defendant.

They charged Mr. Claus, represented in court by a stuffed dummy, with all sorts of high crimes and misdemeanors. They charged him with paganism. They charged him with perjury for claiming to be Saint Nicholas. They even charged him with encouraging child abuse by appearing in whiskey ads. Worse yet, they found him guilty on all counts, for basically being a jolly old elf—i.e., a pagan god trying to steal Christmas from Christ. …

I sort of think the fundies have it right for once. Santa not only has an unsavory pagan ancestry but a rather criminal family history all around. Let me Illuminize you …

As it turns out, Satyr Claus is the reason for the season.