Hey! You with the Tofurkey! The Texas State Fair Says, “Suck It, Bitch”

Last year, Chicken Fried Bacon and a Fried Banana Split took top honors at the annual Big Tex Choice Awards to pick the best new foods at the State Fair of Texas.

This year, the competition is equally innovative (and similarly deep-fried).

• Deep Fried Butter could push the grease-o-meter to a new high. “100 percent pure butter is whipped 'til light and fluffy, then specially sweetened with a choice of several flavors.” It is then surrounded by a “special dough” and quick-fried.


Fried Coca-Cola, take a hike. Texas Fried Pecan Pie, oh, please. Fried Peanut Butter Cup Macaroon, I can't believe they didn't laugh you out of the competition. You, everyone of you, disgust me.

All you did with your clever entries was disguise what you were really frying up for the Longhorn state's Sans-a-belt and stirrup-pantsed grazers. You were cowards, afraid to be true to the mission, which is why you lost.

The creators of Deep Fried Butter, on the other hand, did what most successful entrepreneurs do: they cut out the middleman. Instead of breading and frying a fat-delivery system, they just breaded and fried fat.

Pure.

Genius.

For thinking outside the cardiac unit, they should win the prize.

They've already won my wheezing heart.