By the Way, Every Bowel Movement at the Loman House Is Fêted in the Same Way

A leading Nigerian comic actor arrested on suspicion of ingesting drugs to smuggle to Europe was on Friday freed on bail after 25 closely monitored bowel movements produced nothing suspicious.Babatude Omidina, known by his stage name Baba Suwe, was arrested last month at Lagos's international airport where he had been due to take a flight to France.But after 24 days in detention during which his bowel movements were earnestly followed by authorities and the media, an apologetic High Court judge in Lagos ordered his release.

As far as standards of justice go—reasonable doubt, preponderance of evidence, strict scrutiny, “because I said so,” etc.—an un-askance bowel movement has got to be the most rigorous.

 Seriously, his bowel movements didn't produce anything suspicious? I can't imagine. Nothing leaves my body that isn't a little suspicious, and if it's been shat, you don't need a judge, a medical examiner, or a posse of deputies to confirm it: it's definitely shady.

True, it won't be drug-mule shady, but you wouldn't want it to babysit your kids.

I digress.

 The point is by going to the bowel standard, Nigerian opened a huge justice gap on Western civilization. The world is watching America.