Envy, Thy Name Is Loman

A HOUSEWIFE has inherited a rare Shakespeare book from a long-lost cousin which could fetch millions at auction. ...The First Folio of Comedies, Histories & Tragedies is one of only six in private hands and experts describe it as the most important book in the English language.

My mom showed me her will. I get her lucky Zippo (if I can pry it from her cold, dead hands) and any cigarettes left in her private reserve, an embarrassment of riches, to be sure.

That's what makes it hard not to pity that poor housewife and her silly book, but, as you can see, I was raised by a caring, loving woman. I'm up to the challenge.