"Click Here for My Recipe on Jailhouse Commode Wine"

Excerpts from the latest prison missive from Martha Stewart,

...I am fine, really.... I have had time to think, time to write, time to exercise, time to not eat the bad food, and time to walk and contemplate the future. I've had my work here too. Cleaning has been my job--washing, scrubbing, sweeping, vacuuming, raking leaves, and much more. But like everyone else here, I would rather be doing all of this in my own home, and not here--away from family and friends.

I want to thank you again, and again, for your support and encouragement. You have been so terrific to me and to everyone who stood by me. I appreciate everything you have done, your emails, your letters, and your kind, kind words. If it weren't for you (and the sex with the big winner of the nightly cigarettes-and-chocolates poker game--ooh, such a good thing), I surely would have taken my life by now. I would have dyed my sheets to match my hair color, using some tea and pen ink, tied one end into a tasteful hangman's noose and the other to my tawdry light fixture, and leapt off my assigned chair before my skin could crawl at the touch of the sheet's cheap material and shoddy craftsmanship--seriously. So again, thank you.

And Happy Holidays,

Martha*

*Due to space limitations, editing was necessary and license was taken to present the real truth of her message in this medium. No inmates were hurt in the editing.