Okay, I Was Reading McSweeney's Today: What Can I Say? I Was Drunk, I Needed the Money

There's something vaguely Space Age-y about 7-Eleven's new frozen dairy dessert StirCrazy. It's the first soft-serve ice-cream-like product that can be kept in the freezer case. ... This means that people who used to work for NASA dehydrating ice-cream sandwiches and turning tangerines into Tang are now working for 7-Eleven....

I figured there was some scary, new lab-invented additive in this stuff to keep it unnaturally soft, but a quick scan of the ingredients revealed only scary, familiar lab-invented additives (though the sheer number of them was impressive). Intrigued, I bought the cookies-and-cream flavor (other option: cookie dough). Ingeniously, the crushed Oreos are separated from the vanilla 'ice cream' by a thin layer of frozen chocolate. Less ingeniously, the cup is just a little too small to easily stir everything up without losing some of those precious cookie bits and/or inadequately distributing them. This is a problem because the 'ice cream' is so blindingly sweet that you need the cookies to temper it. That's right—the cookies serve as a de-sweetening agent...

Guess who's going to 7-11?

Should I lapse into a diabetic coma, everything you need to know is listed on my Health Alert message bracelet. The operator will give you some initial lip -- the EMTs swore they wouldn't come for me again after the Great Suzie Q-a-thon of '04, but I have it on fairly good authority that they have to -- so don't be dissuaded. Hmm, now that I think about it, don't give them my name -- and use my neighbor's address.

Thanking you while I can, Biff.