"Not Cool! Not Cool! Choppin' Off Wee-Wees Is Not Cool!"

The murder of a tramp was successfully solved in Russia’s southern port city of Novorossiisk after police discovered the victim’s penis on the person of the murderer. ...

According to the agency, police discovered the dead body of a man in a garage block. The dead man was naked and his penis had been cut off. ...

Shortly afterwards the police detained the suspected killer — a young man who was also homeless. The victim’s penis was found on his person and is being used as the main piece of evidence against him.

"'J'accuse!' the penis screamed through the old fatigue pants. 'There, sits he, the man who severed me from my world of bliss, collected me from my kingly perch within my master's fly, and shoved my head into his lint-lined pocket roughly, like a once proud and ejaculating roll of Certs. I call him "butcher!" I dub him "Thief"!" I piss at him, "Killer!""

Or that's how my screenplay "The Tell-Tale Prick" was going to end Act III. It would've been like that moment in A Few Good Men, when Jack Nicholson unloads -- totally mesmerizing -- and future scholars would've discussed the penis the way current scholars discuss the dagger in MacBeth: circumcised or natural, bloody or clean, real or imagined." It was going to be beautiful.

And then reality beat me to market with its version. Oh, well, ...

Back to the drawing board.