"Who Are You Going to Believe? Me? Or That Lying Sheep?"

Deputy Douglas and I arrivedon scene at about 1647 hours and were met out front of the residence by two white males. One of those subjects identified himself as Alan Goats. Alan told Deputy Douglas and I that he was at a neighbor's house down the street when he received a call from his daughter who was home alone. She told him that a strange man came to the front door and knocked several times. She did not answer . . . . He then entered into fenced corral where his sheep are kept and grabbed onto one of the sheep. He dragged the sheep into the small barn and closed the door. His daughter was worried and wanted her father to come home. Alan thought it might have been one of his friends named Roger, but Christina said that it wasn't him. Alan responded home and as he was pulling into their backyard driveway one of his friends, Randy Mirtello, pulled behind him. . . .

Alan said that both he and Randy went over to the barn. Alan was in the lead and opened the barn door. He was startled when he saw his neighbor of 12 years, LeRoy Johnson, in the shed bent over his sheep with his pants down. LeRoy said to Alan, "YOU CAUGHT ME ALAN, I TRIED TO FUCK YOUR SHEEP.

The real victim here isn't the sheep, not even close. To find the real victim, let's recap: the 13-year-old daughter calls her dad to say a strange man has grabbed a sheep and taken it out to the barn to do who-knows-what, although she obviously suspects that it's to do you-know-what. Her dad, with just that information to go on, responds, "Is it Roger?" Now, you can cry for the sheep -- please do -- just so long as you save a few tears for the real victim in this case, and the real victim, here, is, clearly, Roger.

That poor bastard is now on record with the county as the friend voted most likely to take one of your sheep out to the barn for a mounting and stuffing.

That doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for some of the others involved, the father, in particular. Next time he gets a call like that from his daughter -- and, sadly, we all know, there will be a next time -- he'll have to go down the list: "Is it Roger? Okay, well, then, is it LeRoy?"

And no one should have two friends on that list.