Coke Bleh: It's the Wrong Thing

So where does Blāk fit into the ongoing Cola Cold War? A press release on Coke's website kind of gives you a sense of what they were going for with this monstrosity.

Coca-Cola Blāk is not just a flavor extension. It is a blend of unique Coke refreshment with the true essence of coffee and has a rich smooth texture and has a coffee-like froth when poured. We believe we have created a new category of soft drink — an adult product in a carbonated beverage — and a whole new drinking experience.

Had its unscrupulous author been on the level, the release might have read like this:

Coca-Cola Blāk is not just a flavor extension. It is a blend of rancid, off-brand cola with the true essence of gas-station cappucinos and has a flat, cloying texture and has a sticky flatness when poured. We believe we have created a new category of soft drink — a category that truly warrants the label 'shit-tastic.'

And that would be overstating its appeal.

On the bright side, it does seem, the Coca-Cola Bottling Company has been getting my mail: "It use to be about the coke, man. It use to be about the coke!"

So try again, white lab-coated Coke guy, and this time -- if I may -- might I point you in the right direction? It'll only take me two words to do so. Are you ready? Here goes, two words: Coke Meth. Trust me. You won't be able to keep it on the shelves.