Welcome to Oz, E. Forbes Smiley III!

An established map dealer pled guilty on June 22 to stealing 97 antique maps, valued at over $3,000,000, from renowned libraries in the U.S. and England, including eight maps from Harvard’s Houghton Library.

E. Forbes Smiley III’s practice of visiting libraries, cutting maps out of rare books, and selling them to dealers around the world came to an end when he dropped an Exacto knife blade in Yale’s Beinecke Library last June.

When I saw the headline for this story, "Map Dealer Admits to 97 Thefts," my reaction was, "For the love of Magellan, just give the nerd the maps. Consider it reparations for creating a society in which he can never get laid." My reaction changed after I read the first paragraph, especially the adjectival clause "valued at over $3,000,000."

"$3,000,000.00"?! Fuck me.

Speaking of fucking, good luck in federal prison, E. Forbes Smiley III. I have a feeling, that when Lights Out rolls around and your cellmate's all drunk and horny and feeling a need for something warm and tight, even your reputation as the world's foremost map thief isn't going to be enough to protect you from his kisses and advances.

Hopefully, your training has given you the skill set necessary to appreciate anything, and that'll allow you to develop an appreciation for the love tickle of a prison bodybuilder and the smell of jailhouse wine on the breath of a suitor.

I know I'm rooting for you.