No Offense to Their Legal Team, but Had They Used The Law Offices of Satan, Belial, and Beelzebub, They Would've Fared Better

Last week, archaeologists working in the caves near Qumran, where the Dead Sea Scrolls were found half a century ago, discovered a redlined re-draft of the contract. By comparing this early version of the Covenant to the one that ultimately made its way into Exodus, scholars now surmise the Israelites not only wrestled with their God on many of the issues, but most likely had lawyers present, as well.

A partial translation follows:

This Covenant (“Covenant”) is entered into as of this day, the first day of the third month after the Exodus from Egypt, between Yahweh (hereinafter referred to as “Party of the First Part,” and legally defined as “The Lord, God”) and the People of Israel (hereinafter referred to as “Party of the Second Part,” and legally defined as “The Chosen People”).

NOW, THEREFORE, IT IS AGREED BY AND BETWEEN THE PARTIES HERETO:

1. The Party of the Second Part hereby waives the right to enter into any Covenant with another God, including, but not limited to: Dharmic deities, pantheistic and henotheistic Gods, or any God that would be so frivolous as to play dice with the universe.

2. The Party of the Second Part may not produce or distribute a sculpted image, idol, or icon, in whole or in part, of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth, without the prior written consent of a consulting firm that specializes in branding or brand strategy pre-approved by the Party of the First Part (n.b., Ogilvy & Mather; see Exhibit A for complete list).

3. The Party of the Second Part shall not swear falsely by the name of the Party of the First Part except under the following two (2) proviso(s):

i) You lose your dry cleaning claim ticket (e.g., “God damnit!”)
ii) You strike your thumb with a hammer (e.g., God fucking damnit!”)

That's it! See? This is why the righteous should never be allowed to negotiate for the sinful: They have little imagination in areas where the damned's imagination and actions flower.