In Case of Rapture, Can I Have Your Dog?

We know that you, a good-hearted, God-fearing person, have spent an appropriate amount of time preparing yourself and your soul for the upcoming rapture. But how much planning have you done for your earthly household in the time that follows? . . . you will be long gone—but what of your pets? Unfortunately, they will not be going to heaven with you, despite what popular animated films would have us believe. . . .

The task before you, then, is to provide for your dog or cat once you have gone and the earth has descended into a cesspool of sin and chaos. As anyone who has owned a companion animal knows, fresh drinking water is essential to a pet’s survival. This will not change. . . . In time, your pet will learn to distinguish potable rainwater from the unpleasant downpouring of blood. Preparing early by moving your family and home close to a natural upwelling of fresh water will only cause problems later, as it will unduly bring your pet into contact with the damned hordes, who will flock to springs and other “power spots” for their pagan bacchanalia. . . .

Your dog or cat will also need to eat. . . . However, make sure you do not leave any chocolate lying around, as 1) it is poisonous to both dogs and cats, and 2) it tends to attract damned hordes.

. . . once Christ’s followers have left the earth, we can assume that gay marriage will be rampant. This will inevitably lead to human-animal marriage. It would be prudent to keep a hyacinth flower tucked behind the left ear of your dog or cat to tell potential suitors that he or she is “taken.”

Or you can just ask me to look out for them (although I find it hard to believe anyone who would abandon their dog to go to heaven has more than a Loman's chance of ever seeing god). Since I'll be down here driving your car, sleeping in your marital bed, having drunken satyr sex on your church's altar with your un-Raptured daughter (wearing goat-hair chaps, pumping all her un-Christian wet places with my engorged horn, using positions propriety kept out of the Kama Sutra, you know, satyr sex), it's the least I can do.