“This Is an Affront to the Lord! Nooooo! Noooo! Ohhhhh! Oh, I See What You're Driving at.”

Lois: Meg, I still cannot believe what you and Doug did last night.

Meg: Mom, you don't understand. Doug and I are abstinent, but if we have sex in the ear, it doesn't count. We're still pure in the eyes of the Lord.

Lois: Meg, when I was your age, my parents tried to feed me the same nonsense about premarital sex. You're lying to yourself.

Meg: Well, I don't care what you think. Doug and I are part of the Opal Ring Crusade, and this is how we choose to express our love.

Lois: Meg, (a), ear sex is just unnatural, and, (b) — how do I say this? — vaginal intercourse is … It's just tops. It's the bees' knees, Meg. Aah, when you rattle it around just right … OH MY GOD! I mean, do you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I use to take the old, dirt road on purpose? Meg! Meg?

In high school, some of my Christian friends tried to convince me to join them in taking a stand against teenage promiscuity. I was almost as open-minded then as I am now, so, of course, I gave them a listen and told them I'd try anything once; but, when I asked if they made Abstinence Cock Rings, I think we all knew my time amongst the Pure was going to be short lived.

Oh, but what a time I had! You know that thing they say about girls saving themselves for marriage and oral sex? It's totally true.

* This post dedicated to Reenee and her stand against Abstinence-Only Programs. You go, girl!