They're like Lays Potato Chips

A hard-partying Wall Street trader and his ex-girlfriend are in court over an allegedly broken $100,000 promise to keep on the straight and narrow.

In recently filed court papers, Elisa Kwon accuses her former beau Greg Calvino, 45, of reneg ing on a pledge he had made to not "use drugs, stay out late, frequent strippers or prosti tutes." The 30-something Kwon insists Calvino had vowed that if he ever did any of those things again, she could cash a $100,000 check he had made out to her.

Dude, take a little advice from a man who's going to give it to you anyway.

One, if you're stupid enough to give a $100,000.00 check to a woman and permit her to cash it with your blessing if you engage in any form of sin, be smart enough to put a Stop Payment order on the check before the ink dries. I'm serious, because we, both, know, you're going to sin again. At least, this way, you'll be practicing safe sinning, financially speaking, anyway.

Two, your ex- has crazy eyes. If you're going to date women with crazy eyes -- why are they so damn attractive? -- you've got to prepare for this kind of thing. They happen a lot.

In fact, given the typical behavior of a woman with crazy eyes, you should count your blessings, really. I mean, she didn't set your house on fire, shoot your dog, give your car to a street gang, cut off your penis, or publish those pictures of you wearing that thing or doing that taboo while wearing that thing. (You know what I'm talking about. Oh yes, you do). You got off easy. Thank the lord and move on, seriously, because, dude, like crazy eyes, that money's gone.

Unlike the money, though, crazy eyes will be back. Remember those blessings I told you to count. If you still want them, sleep with one eye open. You'll thank me afterwards. You'll thank the man who can't say, no, to a woman with crazy eyes.

Man, I miss my dog.