And Then the Lord Say-th, “Bring Out the Gimp!” And the Gimp Was Brought-eth Out – Biff 3:17

An Alabama minister who died in June of “accidental mechanical asphyxia” was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask, according to an autopsy report. Investigators determined that Rev. Gary Aldridge's death was not caused by foul play and that the 51-year-old pastor of Montgomery's Thorington Road Baptist Church was alone in his home at the time he died (while apparently in the midst of some autoerotic undertaking). While the Montgomery Advertiser, which first obtained the autopsy records, reported on Aldridge's two wet suits, the family newspaper chose not to mention what police discovered inside the minister's rubber briefs. Aldridge served as the church's pastor for 16 years. Immediately following his death, church officials issued a press release asking community members to “please refrain from speculation” about what led to Aldridge's demise, adding that, “we will begin the healing process under the strong arm of our Savior, Jesus Christ.”

According to the autopsy report, this is what the police discovered:

“The decedent is clothed in a diving wet suit, a face mask which has a single vent for breathing, a rubberized head mask having an opening for the mouth and eyes, a second rubberized suit with suspenders, rubberized male underwear, hands and feet have diving gloves and slippers. There are numerous straps and cords restraining the decedent. There is a leather belt about the midriff. There is a series of ligatures extending from the hands and feet. The hands are bound behind the back. The feet are tied to the hands. There are nylon ligatures holding these in place with leather straps about the wrists and ankles. There are plastic cords also tied about the hands and feet with a single plastic cord extending up to the head and surrounding the lower neck. There is a dildo in the anus covered with a condom. …

“Chest: The chest is unremarkable.
Abdomen: The abdomen is unremarkable.
External Genitalia: The genitalia are normal adult male external genitalia. …
Back and Anus: The back and anus are unremarkable.”

I don't know what's worse, dying in the act of autoerotic asphyxiation or having the coroner write in your autopsy, “The back and anus are unremarkable.” I'm thinking a person involved in this sort of activity should be prepared for an eventuality like this—working out, grooming his ass mane, etc.—so that if he's ever found dead with a dildo (what's with the condom?) in his ass, his ass would be so magnificent the dildo would be the last thing anyone noticed. And by comparison, it would be deemed “unremarkable.” Admittedly, I might be projecting, here.

That said, I feel I'm in the majority in one regard. When I ask myself what would Jebus do? I come up with “Leave that dildo where it is.” And I don't think I'm alone. I feel a part of the multitude.

Can I get an “Amen?”