Hello, God, Are You There? It's Me, Chelsea.

Over the years, I’ve been deeply moved by the people who’ve told me they wished they could feel inspired and hopeful about America the way people did when my father was president. –Caroline Kennedy in The New York Times, Jan. 27, 2008

Over the years, I've been deeply within earshot when people have mentioned that they wish my father would put his shirt back on. This sense is even more profound today, the day after the annual neighborhood-wide golf tournament. That is indirectly related to why I am supporting a presidential candidate for our Hill View Neighborhood Watch from my immediate family: my dad.

My reasons are patriotic, political, and fear-inspired, and the last one far outweighs either of the first two. All my life, people have told me that my father just farted, that they had to change tables because the smell was so unsavory. And the people who were lucky enough not to be seated near him have complained about his terribly obscene baseball hat logos. I meet people who were born long after my dad moved to this town, yet who still ask me about the time he literally removed his pants and urinated all over Frank Janson's cat after an unsatisfactory haircut. …

Most of us would prefer to base our voting decision on looks. However, the candidates' physical appearances are similar. They all have brown hair and are roughly around five foot ten. So qualities of brute strength, quickness to rage, and a foul mouth play a larger role than usual.

My dad has demonstrated these qualities, a lot. …

My dad is running a strange and uninspired campaign. He has cussed at great length about the lack of faith in his life, and also pointed out that he can't read. And when it comes to judgment, my dad is alarmingly racist.

I want a Neighborhood Watch president who understands that his responsibility is not to shout profanities at the Packers game; who holds himself, and those around them, as well-rested on something less than 14 hours of sleep a night; who appeals to those who do not necessarily hate work in all its forms; and who can lift our spirits by succeeding in not killing any kittens on that particular day. Instead, I am endorsing a president like my dad.

I have never had a dad who did anything a good dad should do. But for the first time, I believe I have found the man who could be president of Hill View Neighborhood Watch—not just for me, but because my dad will actually take a shit on my pillow if you guys don't vote for him.

Based on that last part, I'd say the man is channeling his inner-Hillary, but that's only because I'm not above a cheap shot.