“You're So Vain. I Bet You Think Those Orgasm Were Real. Don't You? Don't You?”

Afternoon Delight with James Taylor

by Wayne Gladstone

Hello, I'm James Taylor, and welcome to Afternoon Delight—the show that's all about you and your sex-fetish inquiries. As you know, each week I'm joined by a guest host, selected from an endless pool of talented 1970s singer songwriters, and together we do our best to address your fetishistic concerns. Whether your gag ball got stuck somewhere it didn't belong or you're just looking for an inside line on a pair of assless chaps, we can help.

My co-host will join us in a minute, but first let's take a caller:

Caller: Hi, James. Big fan. It's an honor. O.K. Here's my question: My wife and I have been married for 25 years and enjoy a good amount of role play. But last week, during a hot wax nipple session, she distinctly ignored my safe word. Since then, I just haven't felt safe being submissive. Am I wrong? And, Oh! My safe word is “Sweet Baby James.” You rule!

James Taylor:Well, thank you, caller. I always love to hear when my music has found a place into the hearts of lovers and their dirty sex play. Let me say that ignoring a submissive's safe word is never cool. I remember once in '77, I was backstage at a Cat Stevens concert with a groupie and my favorite vaginal speculum. I was just about to increase the dilation a click, when she cried out, “Banapple Gas!” But I didn't stop. I thought she was shouting out a song request for Cat. You see, by a horrible coincidence “Banapple Gas” was also her safe word, and I'd forgotten. Which is understandable because I was mainlining heroin at the time. Anyway, not long after, Cat rode the “Peace Train” out for an encore, and all was forgiven. But that doesn't change what I did. Safe words are sacred, man. You keep your nipples to yourself until you get that straight with your lady. …


Ah, “You keep your nipples to yourself” takes me back to my kindergarten days. Good times, good times.