“You? Gay? No! I Mean, How…? If You're Gay, Who Amongst Us Can Count Himself Straight? My World Is Upside Down.” *

Despite the fact that everyone he meets obviously assumes he is gay, 34-year-old Toledo-area homosexual Jeremy Schuitt still thinks he's in the closet, local sources reported Tuesday.

A graphic designer who secretly frequents Cruisers, a local dance club, Schuitt has told only four people about his homosexuality. However, nearly all of his friends, co-workers and relatives are well aware of it, as is the clerk at the neighborhood Starbucks where Schuitt orders a “double mocha ‘capp’ in [a] paper [cup]” every day before work. …

Schuitt's invention of “Jacqueline”—his French-Canadian fiancée currently touring Canada with the Montreal Ballet—is just one of the many cover stories Schuitt has created to hide his homosexuality from those in whom he cannot confide.

Unbeknownst to Schuitt, every one of his efforts has been unsuccessful. Even those friends who have not accidentally found Manhole Magazine's 1998 Boy-Toy Revue video Schuitt keeps hidden behind his entertainment center have noted the other tell-tale signs of homosexuality around his apartment, such his extensive collection of pierrot figurines and coordinated futon cover and curtain set.

Progressive and open-minded, Schuitt's friends have fully accepted his closeted status and have tried to create a comfortable environment for his sexual denial. But despite their open-mindedness, many of these friends were shocked and uncomfortable upon discovering that Schuitt was not yet “out.”

“Of course, I've always respected his right to privacy regarding that very personal decision,” friend Erin Chance said. “But there's no doubt about it“he's gay. Not just a little gay, really gay.”


The funny part is that as ham-fisted and inexpert as their straight acts are that's as nuanced and spot on as your performance of Surprised Friend has to be when they finally come out to you.

The last time it happened to me, I was not at my best (think Shatner in T.J. Hooker, just a little too unctuous for the material), so the scene's ending was a little anti-climatic:

“You knew, didn't you?
“Little bit, yeah.”

*In my defense, we had had a few beers before he told me, and beer tends to fuel my sarcastic side.