The House of Cards that Dare Not Speak Its Name (from GoodiebagTV)

Have you ever noticed how a couple young male friends will arrange themselves on a bus? They'll sit across from one another. They'll sit behind one another. They'll sit with a seat between them. They'll go to great lengths to not actually sit side by side.

I know what you're thinking. These guys are idiots. These guys are homophobes. What possibly could we learn from them. They're more savvy than you think.

They know “Heterosexuality is a house of cards that can collapse at any time.”

So, with that in mind:

Maintaining and Protecting Your Heterosexual House of Cards

There's one acronym you've got to remember today and that's

WANGZ

WANGZ stands for We Are Not Gay Zone. That is the buffer of heterosexuality that young men maintain around themselves.

Now, the WANGZ serves two purposes: Firstly,

WANGZ Function #1—To minimize or eliminate eye contact

Eye contact creates intimacy, and intimacy between men—that's kind of gay. …

Secondly,

WANGZ Function #2—Maintains a two foot buffer between faces.

When male faces get closer than that, inadvertent man-on-man action might occur.

These two rules serve one larger, unifying purpose:

Don't make out with your buddy.

Guys, I can't stress this enough. When it comes to displaying your heterosexuality, you gotta' make out with your buddy as little as possible. It should be very rare. …

Also at your disposal is the handy psychological technique known as sublimation:

sublimation
n.
1. To modify or divert an impulse into a more socially acceptable activity. …

Lastly, some heterosexual men might find a need to call their buddy “Sugar” or “Darling.” … In their place, try substituting the word “dude.” … But be mindful:

True Fact
You can measure a man's gayness by how often he uses the word “dude.”

So if you call your friend “dude” more than 20 times per meeting, just stop pretending.


For those of you who are confused, let me clarify: “as little as possible” does not mean “wherever you're drunk.”