“Better than Mango?” Mango?! That's Crazy Talk, and I Will Not Allow Heresy of that Kind on My Blog

“Extraordinary Breastfeeding” is a documentary that aired in England a few years ago and focused on the country's discomfort with breastfeeding. Issues raised in the film included the right to breastfeed in public, breastfeeding adopted children, and at what age children should be weaned off breast milk. (The average age around the world is four years old, and the World Health Organization recommends that children be breastfed until they are at least two and a half years old.) One woman in the documentary, Veronica, believes that children should decide for themselves when they want to stop. Her daughter is about to turn eight, still breastfeeds, and has absolutely no plans of stopping. …

Voice-over: Bethany and Eliza Robertson have been breast-fed for many years, and Eliza is still breast-feeding at seven.

Mom: You can see from Eliza lying here, they take up a lot of space. And it's not quite the same as a little infant tucked away in your arm. But, you know, clearly, they get as much pleasure and as much comfort as a newborn does.

And one of the really nice things as children grow older is that they can verbalise their experience and tell you how much they enjoy it.

Bethany: I remember it tasting really, really sweet.

Voice-over: Her eldest sister Bethany was breast fed until she was five and still has fond memories.

Bethany: Better than anything in the world. Better than a mango even. I'd rather have lots of breast milk than a million melons. …

Mom: They won't breast-feed forever. It's just that simple. They will not breast-feed when they go to college or get married. …

Go to college? Get married? Seriously, you think those are the proper boundaries? Really?

I don't blame the kids. Who amongst us hasn't pouted, shouted, begged, or cried for a woman to give us access to her breasts? Who wouldn't do that now? (Show of hands.) Luckily, that rarely works: women, generally, don't give in to that nonsense. They just say, no.

Mom, you've got to grow a pair, cowgirl up, as it were. That kid is too fucking big to be breast-feeding. Seriously. When the kid is big enough to enjoy a post-meal cigarette and reflect on the teat-y goodness of the libation — “Sweet as treacle, but with a grassy undertone that lingers on the palate between gulps. It's not as good as the '07 (my god, what could be?), but mom knows what she's doing: that's damn fine titty ” — it's time to wean.