And to Celebrate the Occasion, Rick's Lounge Let All Black Men with Diplomas Touch the Girls (Two-Drink Minimum, Sadly, Was Still Enforced)

FOXWORTH, MS—Despite obeying the posted speed limit and having all inspection, registration, and insurance documentation up to date, Sen. Barack Obama's campaign bus was stopped for nearly four hours by Marion County deputy sheriff Dewey Clutter while en route to a Jackson, MS speech, sources reported Tuesday.

According to those on board the bus—including various journalists, members of the Secret Service, and Obama campaign staffers—several minutes passed before Clutter exited his cruiser. Witness statements all mention hearing the sheriff's jackbooted footsteps along the gravel roadside as he slowly approached the vehicle's passenger side. These reports also assert that, prior to reaching the front of the campaign bus, the sheriff paused momentarily to smash the right rear taillight of the bus before dragging his still-drawn baton along the entire length of the vehicle.

"Where's the fire, son?" Clutter, 42, was overheard saying to the Illinois senator and 2008 Democratic presidential nominee. "Driving like that in these parts, what with a busted taillight and all, fella like you liable to get hisself into a whole mess a trouble."

Obama protested briefly before Clutter interrupted the graduate of Columbia University and Harvard Law School, brusquely informing the senator that he could "detain [Obama's] uppity ass for 48 hours without charging [him] with shit."

"Huh. Illinois," Clutter said while scrutinizing Obama's driver's license from behind a pair of mirrored aviator sunglasses. "You a long way from home, ain't ya?"

"Now Barry, someone 'bout your height, 'bout your skin color knocked over a Piggly Wiggly up in New Hebron just a coupla hours ago," Clutter continued. "But you wouldn't know nothin' 'bout that, now would you?"

Clutter then turned to Obama's wife, Michelle, looked her up and down, and wiped his mouth with a handkerchief.


Obama was in my hometown of Fayetteville, yesterday. While there, in addition to police harassment, the presidential candidate most likely got a new tattoo, a check cashed, and his ass kicked for thinking he was better than everyone else—because he got that college degree and all. Since it was a Sunday, he probably also got a lap dance, a venereal disease, a snake bite, and a knife wound that won't heal for a while (especially if he doesn't stop playing with it), but only if he went to church. No one needs to know about the 60-inch HD television he got for $5, the new campaign bus (and all he had to do was agree to take over the payments), and the best barbecue sandwich he's ever tasted (from a place that isn't really a restaurant, although you can exchange food for money there if you flash your lights in the driveway twice and order like you know what you're doing). You can't get out of Fayetteville without doing that stuff.

To quote the Rev. Billy, two wrongs don't make a right except in Fayetteville on a Saturday night. Man, I miss home.