And the Neighbors Will Only Shake Their Heads and Say, “He Needed Killin'”

What’s in a name? Politics, if you ask proud new father Mark Ciptak of Elizabethton, Tenn. …

“I don’t have a million dollars,” Ciptak said.

So he chose to endorse his favorite candidates for president and vice president by naming his daughter after the Republican ticket.

“I decided to actually name her Sarah McCain Palin,” he said. “I’m totally McCain all the way.”

A blood bank employee for the American Red Cross, Ciptak said he chose the name to show his support and to encourage others to vote.

But Sarah McCain Palin is not the name Ciptak and his wife, Layla, originally agreed upon.

“I sort of secretively went behind her back and changed the paperwork,” Ciptak said.

Ava Grace was the name originally chosen by the couple. …

Ciptak said he had no regrets at the time.

“The very next day, though, I did feel bad, my conscience set in,” he said.

Although the stroke of conscience failed to override his decision, he did admit to one concession.

“I was actually gonna name the baby John McCain, even as the girl, but I thought that was maybe too overboard,” he said. “I decided to actually name her Sarah McCain Palin, figuring hopefully I would get two weeks in the doghouse rather than two months.”


Did you hear something? No? Probably not, what with the glare of publicity and the din of the media attention. But, dude, I swear I just heard the sound of a No. 10 can of mouth-breather stomping whoop-ass being opened. Yep, there's no doubt about it. Your wife is coming to kick your ass.

Thank god for Sarah McCain Palin, then. Because if I know Tennessee women who marry human skid marks like I think I do, the first thing you can expect from your better half is for her to kick those “Sneaking behind My Wife's Back”-sized pebbles you call testes so far into your thoracic cavity that you won't see them again until they come dribbling out of the new asshole she's going to tear you. (Start checking your stool with a fine sieve next February, maybe, next March.) They won't be much use to you after the journey as far as reproduction is concerned, so, as I said, thank god you already have the one child.

A wife, though? Oh, yeah, dude, you've lost her.