How about “And You Are…?”

This morning, I stumbled across a list that Men's Health had released, titled, "30 Hottest Things To Say To A Naked Woman." I was all ready to write a scathing response, until my boyfriend intervened.

“You can't make fun of Men's Health again,” he frowned, “It's too easy.…”

Alas, my boyfriend is right: this list is too easy to pick apart. And yet I can't help it! The list is filled with slightly creepy, calculated phrases that are akin to similar lists that pop up in women's magazines, wherein we are instructed to send our boyfriends or girlfriends texts saying “Was in such a rush! 4got 2 wear a bra” and other embarrassing “OMG nobody says that shit” phrases of the sort. So perhaps, dear commenters, we should try to help the crew of Men's Health by suggesting better lines, or at the very least, let them know which lines to avoid. Any suggestions?

I don't have anything to add to the hot list, but I do have several things I'd like to suggest for a complementary list:

Top Five Things a Guy Who Gets His Hot Lines from Men's Health Is More Likely to Say to a Naked Woman

1. Pardon me if it is rude for asking, but did you have that penis last night?


2. Thanks. Your money's on the table.


3. That? That's the smell of dried semen, smegma, and shame. Yeah, it doesn't come out.


4. Why does my tongue tastes scabby?


5. Please be alive. Please be alive. Please be alive.

That's probably not helping, though, is it? Oh, well, that's one more thing to work on in the new year.