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This is Extreme Biography: Santa Claus

Our story broke when we found this footage of a drunken sleigh accident.
Santa: I use to love Christmas. Now, all I get is “I want. I want. I want.” There's no magic anymore, so I'm canceling the whole damn thing, seriously. I'm just going to spend a day at home whacking off. …

Voice over: It turns out Santa has many appetites.…

Female Elf: (as Santa) “Ho, ho, ho. Sit on my Yule log. Everybody knows Santa's got a sweet candy cane and a gigantic sack. Let's put mistletoe over camel toe and this'll blow.” (as self) I'd rather fuck a yeti.…

Santa: (in his sleigh, making the rounds) Rudolph! Find me some chubby chasers with a daddy complex.


You know I'm not given to exaggeration, so you can believe me when I say this is the best holiday special since The Little Hummer Boy.