America: 2 Days Since We Were Last a Disgusting Shithole. Whoops. Reset the Clock.

Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's
Andrea Bennett: President Obama announced today he will drastically scale back his agenda for America after a visit to a Denny's restaurant in Manassas, Va, caused him to “completely re-think what our nation is capable of achieving.” In a press conference this afternoon, the president said,

“What I saw at Denny's made me realize how much I have overestimated the American people. Before we reclaim global leadership, we must first stop eating six sausages and a pound of eggs covered in syrup for breakfast, and we must stop leaving the house in sweat pants.”

…And we have White House Deputy Press Secretary Todd Grant joining us right now. Mr. Grant give us a sense of how big these post-Denny's policy changes will be.

Todd Grant: Well, Andrea, the president was deeply unsettled by his experience at Denny's, so it's safe to say his changes will be sweeping. They're all laid out in his Realistic Hope for America. It basically replaces the president's previous agenda with goals he thinks are now more within the grasp of the American public, such as not slapping your children in public, not calling your waitress a “cunt,” and not smoking while eating your Moons over My-Hammy. …

Andrea Bennett: Surely, he's going to face criticism for abandoning his previous plan.

Todd Grant: Andrea, I was with the president when he went inside the Denny's. Those plans were never going to happen. But the president hasn't abandoned his principles. It's true he's no longer calling for 1 million hybrids by 2015, but he is calling on Americans to think about walking to the liquor store down the block instead of driving. We believe America can do it.…


In the end, this—not a blow job—will be his undoing, this hopeful and optimistic nature of his. It's sad, really, because, clearly it's not his fault.

Something happened to him in his childhood to make him believe that there is good in everyone, and something happened to him in adulthood to make him want to act as a catalyst to coax it out of them and make this a better country—which is quite tragic. Un-afflicted by those shortcomings, I can see clearly every flaw in his ambitious plans, all 270 million naturalized and native-born of them. This embarrassingly gifted man has tied his dreams to the USS America, and that ship is sinking fast.

I tried to tell him, but he's no longer accepting my e-mails. They're being bounced back for some reaosn. More's the pity.