Sometimes, You've Got to Give the Devil His Due

Roman Catholic couples are being encouraged to pray together before they have sex.

A book published by a prominent Church group invites those setting out on married life to recite the specially-composed Prayer Before Making Love.

It is aimed at “purifying their intentions” so that the act is not about selfishness or hedonism.…


I don't mean to look askance at their efforts, but, seriously, if the woman in that picture is on her knees in my bedroom, my intentions couldn't be purified with boiling holy water and a Rosary conducted on specially crafted anal beads, pulled from my bum.

Don't believe me? Okay, I was hoping I wouldn't have to share this, but since seeing that picture of Goody Two Shoes up there, all I can think about is the sex scene in Deliverance: “You're about to get on your knees and pray, and let's hope you pray real good.” What chance does the power of prayer have against thoughts as impure as that? And before you answer, you should know that, now, I am thinking about how much fun it would be to make her squeal like a pig. Your turn: purify that with prayer.

Really, prayer shouldn't concern itself with purity; it should concern itself with expressing gratitude or begging for mercy, like “Please, god, don't let this be the last rubber” or “For what I am about to receive, let me be truly grateful,” or, possibly, “Good bread, good meat, good god, let's eat,” in which case bread and meat would, hopefully, be metaphors. Prayer in any other form would just be a waste of time.

Besides, the prayer they came up with? A real boner killer.