When Did Ass Fucking Become Gay? Oh, Competitive Ass Fucking. Thanks for Clearing that Up

Bryan Safi: Is Johnny Weir too gay for figure skating? Wait. Is that even possible.…

Figure skating is the gayest sport of all time. In fact, let's take a look at where it falls on our official sports sexuality spectrum. On the hetero- extreme, there's football, then hockey, then baseball, then tennis, croquet, wrestling, ascot-tying, scented candle-making, competitive ass fucking, figure skating.

The sport is gay. Deal with it.


Honest to god, if it weren't for Johnny Weir, I wouldn't have watched a minute of Olympic figure skating, but after I saw Johnny wearing that outfit with the merry window corset, epaulets, and tassel for his short program , looking very much like Frankenfurter on ice, two thoughts went through my mind: one, why can't tomorrow be Halloween? and, two, I am never changing this channel.

So he didn't medal in figure skating. Big Deal. Injustices like that can happen when you leave the outcome of sporting events to judges. There's nothing I can do to rectify that, but I can try to alleviate the sting of the loss.

To that end, starting today, Johnny Weir is the Truth*'s Man of the Week.



Just let me know where to send the trophy, Johnny.